By Kirsten
Copyright 1999
Lou slowly walked to the barn, tripping over her blanket several times before tossing it over her shoulder and adding determination to her stride. If Kid were watching from the window, she did not want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that she wasn't as mad as she outwardly appeared.
She wanted her performance to be a good display of storming away from their disagreement. And once she faced it, she realized that she wanted to perhaps make him suffer a little bit too. All the while keeping that edge of wonder in his mind as to what exactly she had meant by not being sure about the depth behind what she had said.
Lou knew that she never wanted to end the relationship with Kid in any terms whatsoever, but at the same time, she knew that she could not spend the rest of her life living in such a state of opposition and confusion. If they could not work on their relationship and make choices together, she would have to leave. Otherwise, Kid might as well chain her in a wooden crate and slip her food through the slats in the wood. It would be just as confining.
Pulling open the barn door, she carefully felt her way through the darkness and sought out the largest pile of hay that she could find. Setting her pillow down, she lay down, covered herself, and stared at the stars through the small hole in the roof above her.
The scent of sweet hay filled her nostrils and Lou took a deep breath, soaking in the relaxing sensation that the smell brought upon her. She listened to the even-paced breathing of the horses, and thought somewhat begrudgingly how unfair it was that they lived such simple lives.
Louise lifted her left hand and held it in the small amount of light that filled the room. She twirled her wedding ring with her thumb and thought back on the past 5 months of her married life. At first it had been so simple; they were in love, and nothing could defy the force behind it. It had almost become written law that they were invincible as long as they were together. No challenge was too great, and no hurdle was too high to leap.
But then, things started becoming more complicated and not as easy to defy with love alone. Kid stopped coming home every day from his increasingly lengthy rides to Colorado for the final express runs, and suddenly the word had been delivered that he was out of a job, they would have to move, and the rumor of war had faded into harsh reality. Their world had come plummeting down, and even their tiniest dreams seemed like chaff that had been mercilessly blown away by the wind…not ever to be seen or reconciled again. Never had they faced so many doubts, fears, or aimless hopes all at once.
Now, she stared at the gold band on her finger and wondered what it truly meant. Did she and Kid have any business getting married in the first place? Had they both made a mistake that did not show itself until now, purely out of selfishness because they did not want to wait any longer to be together? She couldn't be sure, nor could she bear the thought of it being an error in their lives…an error that was now irreversible.
Pulling it off carefully so as not to drop it, Lou held it up above her head. This ring was identical to the one that Kid also wore. But now, as it seemed to her, that gold and their adoration for each other were the only two things that matched identically in any way. Without that small piece of symbolism, what did they have? Dreams and fantasies with no hope of them ever becoming obtainable?
She lightly rubbed the precious item of jewelry in the palm of her hand, intensely noticing how light in weight it was, but yet how heavy the meaning had become when she said the simple words "I do." Louise could not even remember the thousands of passions that crossed her heart when the warmed metal rubbed across her finger for the first time as Kid tenderly placed it upon her finger.
She could only close her eyes and relive the memory of looking into Kid's eyes; the most compassionate eyes she had ever known, and how the world around them seemed to pause without interruptions. The absence of all other living souls presented the longest and most glorious two seconds of her life. It was just the two of them and a ring of promise for a beautiful future; certainly not one without trials, pain, fights, or tears, but a future that they would travel together no matter what circumstances might confront them.
It was then that she realized how from this point on their independence had changed and was now joined as one…forever. And alas forever, she had noted, was a very long time indeed.
Bringing herself back down to earth, Lou hastily realized her mistake and quickly slipped the ring back on her finger…feeling a pang of guilt as she remembered promising Kid never to take it off. Of course, she reminded herself, he had also promised her to take care of her, and he had thus far kept his word. So why was it that she blamed him for it? And why was it that she constantly found herself complicating even the simplest of situations?
Kid paced back and forth in the upstairs room, although never once hitting the center board that squeaked. A million emotions mixed in to one, though he was not quite sure which feeling meant what.
He replayed the conversation he and Lou had exchanged, but still, he had not made sense of it all. Would she so imprudently sacrifice everything that they had held dear just for the sake of not having a job?
No, that did not seem like Lou. She was never that flippant in her actions. That's why he knew that there was a much larger obstacle coming between them. And now, he realized, it was up to him to find the appeasing boundary between where his pride began, and her needs ended. Above anything else he desired what was best for her, even if it meant renouncing what he believed was best…at least within reason…
The morning sun rose brightly and anxiously, joyously signifying a brand new day. Lou rolled over away from the light, thinking resentfully that this was not a fresh morning in which she desired to be a part of. Her idea of the perfect morning was waking up to the sounds of Rachel singing softly in the kitchen, the warmth of Kid's breath on her neck as he held on to her tightly in his steadfast sleep.
She wanted to open her eyes and find that this was another one of those mornings, but Lou knew it would not be so…not today. Something had happened to her last night, an occurrence that she feared had changed life as she once knew it. No, she would never walk away from Kid, or her family in Rock Creek. But she had made a decision that she would do what she felt was right, and if Kid did not approve, he would have to be the one to leave.
Standing up and wishing away the stiffness in her back, she rose to her feet and took one last glance up at the hole above her. A small smile formed on her lips, and she wondered how many wives before her had used that same spot to contemplate the serious issues of life…away from their husband. Lou just hoped that they had been as successful in sorting as she felt she had been.
Kid was not sure when the precise moment was that he awoke from the chair by the window…he just knew he had been aroused at the perfect instant. Lou emerged from the barn coated in a thin layer of hay and he pulled himself upward to get a better look. She must have sensed his eyes on her because she glanced up, pausing in mid-stride.
Their eyes met and spoke volumes without words. He apologized for something that he knew nothing about, and she blinked back tears at his willingness to follow her to the ends of the earth. In a whisper that he could not hear, she called up to him, "I'll be right up, Kid. We need to talk."
Whether he read her lips or mind, he seemed to understand and stepped away from the window. She continued inside of the house and swallowed around the sick feeling that welled in her stomach. This would be it…the deciding factor in their relationship together. It would prove to her whether or not they had the understanding and communication needed to make their lives mesh into one.
She almost dreaded the outcome, wondering if she would be able to follow through with anything she had planned once he gazed at her with his ever-sparkling blue eyes and begged her to reconsider. Lou knew that if he asked her, she would fly to the moon with her own arms…but right now, she felt that such a move would almost be easier than what she was about to do. And she only wished that it were that simple…
Lou was thankful that Rachel had gone outside to take care of a few chores when she entered the house. She wasn't prepared to answer questions as to why she had slept in the barn instead of her warm bed. Lou knew that anything Rachel would have asked would have been out of concern, but she wasn't even sure if she understood enough to try and explain it to someone else.
Quietly, she walked up the stairs, her nails digging into the railing as she came closer to the bedroom door. She dreaded the expression that would be on Kid's face more than anything else. And once her hand reached out for the door handle, she hesitated.
Then, when a deep breath and burst of courage, she pushed it open and met up with her worst enemy…Kid's sorrowful face. His eyes were puffy as if he had been up all night, and the manner in which he posed himself upright on the bed sent an ache through her heart.
"Hi," he said insecurely, not even sure if she would talk to him.
Louise sat down on the bed opposite him and tucked one leg under herself. "Do you have a minute?" she asked.
He turned, somewhat surprised that she would ask, and how business-like she had made it sound. "Of course."
Refusing to be swayed by the urge to kiss him, beg for forgiveness, and go on as they had been for the past few months, she cleared her throat and pressed on. "Kid, I wasn't teasing with all that I said last night."
He nodded, "I know, Lou, but you…."
She held up her hand, silencing him instantly. "Just let me finish," she continued, "I did a lot of thinking last night and I realized that there is more to this than me getting a job. This has to do with our future as well. We have made our choices together; your decision to stay out of the war is one of them. And now that you're out of work, we need to once again solve it together. But you're not willing to let me be a part of it…and anything you do is going to affect me."
Kid took a deep breath. "Lou, just because I don't want you to work doesn't mean that we can't make our decisions together."
"Oh but it does Kid. As long as we fight over such issues, it isn't going to pan out. I made up my mind last night, and that was that I am finding a job this week. If you can't handle my feelings and conclusion on this, well, you can do what you feel is right. I won't stop you. All I ask is that you understand where I am coming from," she finished as she stood to her feet and took a pair of clean clothes from the closet.
Kid watched her intently and shuddered when she pulled her gunbelt off of its hanger; something she had not done in months. "So, you've made up your mind," it was not a question, but rather a statement of observation.
She paused, knowing that this would be the clenching conclusion on the subject. Biting her lip she continued to gather a few of her belongings form the express days.
Kid slapped his leg and stood up. Watching her revert to her previous life as a "boy" sent chills down his spine and most definitely enraged him beyond the limits. "When we got married I promised to take care of you and do all that I could for you. I'm sorry that it wasn't enough, and if there was something I could do to change it, I would. If leaving and getting a job is what you need to do, I won't stand in your way."
Lou watched his outward countenance and knew that he meant every word of it. He looked back at her and she could think of nothing to say that would eliminate the pain she knew he shared with her on this incident. "I'm sorry, Kid. The time just wasn't right for us again, I guess."
He reached for his hat, placed it upon his head and grabbed the saddle bag which was always packed and ready for his runs. Opening the door, he turned to her once more…his eyes stricken with tears in one of the few times she had seen him on the verge of truly crying. "Will it ever be?" he replied, not waiting for her response before letting the door gently click shut behind him.
Lou sank to the floor and cupped her face in her hands. She wasn't sure which was worse; the realization that she had just lit a exploding fuse into a relationship that meant more to her than the world, or the fact that she had just plunged a knife through the heart of the one person she treasured more than any other…
The journey from Chicago was long and seemingly endless. Joseph had traveled for two days straight without sleep, and now it had finally caught up with him. Regardless of the fact that the stage jostled in every possible direction, he could hold his head up no longer and fell into a restless sleep. It wasn't until the driver came to a skidding halt a few hours later that he suddenly regretted having let himself drift off.
"Rock Creek. Next stop Marysville, Kansas. Stage leaves in thirty minutes!" The elder man cried out, in a tone that demonstrated years of experience.
Shuddering at the thought of venturing any further south than he already was, Joseph lowered himself from the stage and waited patiently for them to drop his bag from the top of the rack. He caught it and took a few seconds to survey his surroundings. The bank was directly across from the hotel…which was conveniently connected to the saloon. He found himself relieved that his stay would not be long, because he had a feeling that in such a place where alluring women walked the streets in broad daylight calling out in shrill voices at all hours, there would not be much hope of peaceful slumber.
He strode across the street, relieved that he had changed from his customary suit into something that fit the area more. A little research does pay off, he mused.
Straightening his leather vest, he entered the hotel to wash, clean up, and prepare for the adventure to begin.
Getting here had been the easy part. From here on in Joseph had to convince a woman to travel with he…a complete stranger…across the country in a mission for the Union and their president. It wasn't exactly the kind of news or request that one delivered to a young woman every day.
Joseph just hoped that his files had been up to date enough to make him sound somewhat intelligent. According to their last records, Louise had not been married, and for the sake of her would-be husband, he hoped that she still wasn't. This was going to be an embarkment upon which she would not be able to tell a living soul. Nor was it a mission that he could promise she would return in one piece from.
It was job that she could refuse, but only at the stake of her country, and her patriotism. Everything that she had worked for to this point in her life would not be in vain if she refused to offer all that she could. However, she would be doing her nation a great disservice if she did not at least attempt to help stop the crimes that were costing the lives of innocent people.
Yes, if it came down to it, he could find another woman to take her place. But as her past history had proved, she was a woman with determination, stamina, and the ability to look at death face on without so much as a flinch. In Joseph's opinion, she was the ideal and matchless person for the mission.
And, what better title or pay could she ask for than that of the president's elite personal trustees…a Pinkerton Detective.
On to Chapter Two
