"That blasted Mario!" my husband, King Bowser Koopa, roared, pounding his fist on the table. "Now, now, dear," I soothed him, "you'll get him next time, don't worry." "You always say that, Lena. I never do, though, do I?" "Well....no....but you really should calm down. You're shaking the castle again." "Yeah,yeah," he grumbled. "What was that?" "Nothing." Now how can I make him calm down? I know! "Why don't I get you a martini, dear?" I asked him, getting up. Bowser's face brightened a bit. He even stopped hitting the table. "With a paper umbrella, don't forget." "Of course." Hurriedly I threw together the best martini I could muster. "Here you go, honey." I slipped the paper umbrella in and handed him the martini. "Thank you, my queen." "Your quite welcome, dear." We each looked at each other; goony smiles plastered on our faces. I suppose this is as good a time as any to explain to you my situation and who I am. My name is Lena Julianna Koopa. I have no idea who my parents are. I am the Queen of Bowser's Castle, and my husband's name is King Bowser Rex Koopa. He has no idea who his parents are either, so I guess you could say we are a pair! Bowser has been trying to capture and kill the famous(ugh)Mario Bros., Mario and Luigi. We hate them, obviously. I never have quite figured out why Bowser and I hate him so. I've asked Bowser before, and he always gets started, but then something interrupts him. I don't think he likes to talk about it much, so I've stopped asking him. I do wonder about it, though. Oh, well. "Hello, King Bowser," Wart, Bowser's second in command, said as he entered the room. "Oh, hi Wart," Bowser said promptly. "Greetings, Wart," I greeted him warmly. "Would you like a martini. Or perhaps a beer?" "A beer will do just fine," he said, sitting down at the end of the table, facing Bowser. Bowser always sits at the head of the table. I sit to the right of Bowser, and Wart is at the other end. "How's it going, Wart?" I heard Bowser ask as I went to the kitchen to get Wart's beer and mug. Then I brought out the drink. "There you go!" I said as I set his drink down in front of him. Wart looked up. "Thank you, Lena." "It's my pleasure." "So, have you caught Mario yet?" Wart asked Bowser, turning to him. "No, not yet. But I will, you can bet on it." I sat down at the right of Bowser ."Of course you are, dear," I said calmly. "He's in denial," I explained to Wart with a smile on my face. " I am not!" "Of course you aren't dear." I winked at Wart, and he smiled. "Now! Why don't we devise a plan to get that stupid Mario? Taking the princess doesn't seem to do much good. In fact, it does more bad then good. Well, actually-" "Okay, okay, I can take a hint. We should get a new strategy." "But what?" Now it was Wart's turn. "Well, I've been thinking," I said. "Why don't I use my powers of persuasion, my gorgeous looks, and seduce Mario?" "Hey, you've really got something there!" Bowser seemed pleased with me. "You can say that I kicked you out. Your single, desperate, and vulnerable. Mario takes advantage of those kind of people. He falls in love with you, and you lure him to the castle. You say you need to get your things, but you're too scared to go alone." Bowser was on a roll. The whole time Wart and I stared at him in disbelief. I hooted loudly. "I was only kidding, dear!" "You may only be kidding, but I'm serious!" Bowser retorted. "Now let's see....I know! Once you all enter the castle, you go up to your room and ask him to wait right outside the door. But then he falls down a trap door, where Wart and I await his arrival. Then we kill him!" "Hold on a sec, here!" I interrupted loudly. "I get to tell him that I hate his guts and would never love him in a million years. It was all just a trick. Then I help ya'll kill him! Or I at least get to slug him one." "I think it's a excellent plan, King Bowser," Wart commented, deviously rubbing hands together. "I know." "So when do I go over to Mario' s with my sap story?" "Tomorrow morning," Bowser said simply. "Tomorrow?" I asked. "Don't you think that's awfully soon? Won't he be able to tell it's a trick?" "Of course not. He's a Mario Bros., isn't he?" I giggled. Then I remembered something. "Oh! Oh my! Oh my goodness!" I suddenly exclaimed. "What is it?" Bowser and Wart asked, alarmed. "What about Luigi?" "Well, uhhh….. he can be called away on business. Yeah, that's it. Business," Bowser said. "Business? What kind of business does stupid Luigi tend to?" That's where Bowser paused. "Well," he said after a long moment, "he could just be going away on a vacation. Wart could call Luigi up and pretend to be the Mushroom King. Then, when Luigi arrives at, ummmm, the Bermuda Triangle, my Troopas will be waiting. Then they kill him, but leave him there, so no one will be able to find his body. Then Wart will beam the Troopas up, so they won't be forever lost. Any questions?" "Uh, yeah," I said sheepishly. "But just one," I added quickly. Bowser groaned. "What is it?" "When are we going to send Luigi away on his vacation?" Bowser glanced at Wart. "Noon-ish?" Wart nodded. "Sounds about right." "So why don't I go to Mario's Sunday?" I cut in. It was Friday, and I figured that it would take about a day for Luigi to get his butt out of the dinky mushroom they lived in and on the next flight to Bermuda. Then, suddenly, I thought of something. "Hey, honey?" "Yes, dear?" "There aren't any airports in the Bermuda Triangle, are there?" "I'm one step ahead of you. I'm going to put him on a Koopa Troopa plane, made possible in part by Apook Co. "Fantastic." "Yep," Bowser said, rubbing his hands together deviously, "this is gonna be excellent." The Next Morning, Noon-ish "Yes, Luigi? This is the Mushroom King." Wart paused, then continued. "Yes, I've been thinking. You need a vacation." Pause. "Of course!" Pause. "How does the Bermuda Triangle sound?" Pause. "Well, then. This will be something new." Pause. "Oh, well, Mario has to do some things for me, but I'll give him a vacation too,don't you worry." Pause. "Well, you can take your vacations separately. I'm sure Mario won't mind. Besides, it will give you a little time away from him. I mean, heck, you all spend all day together. So wadda ya say?" Pause. "Great! Your flight is set for 3:00 p.m. this afternoon. The way to the airport is you take a right on White Mushroom, go down Fungus Boulevard, keep going straight until you come to Peach Street, and then take the last left and you can't miss it. It's right there on Main Mushroom." Pause. "Great! Bye. Oh, and have a safe flight!" Wart hung up the telephone and turned to Bowser and I with an wicked smirk. "So, is it all set?" Bowser asked. "Yes, sir-ee," Wart replied merrily. Bowser shot him a look of disgust, and a snarled lip that meant he wouldn't stand for too much of this sickening joy. "Oh, uh sorry. I mean, yes sir." Bowser grunted, then turned to me. "Do you know what you're going to say and do tomorrow?" I took a deep breath. "I think so." "You're sure?" "Positive." I could of sworn that a look of regret and sorrow flickered across Bowser's face just then, like he didn't want me to go, but it happened so fast, I couldn't be sure. "Well, then. You're all set. Wart?" "Yes, King Bowser?" "Let's eat." That night, I paced about in Bowser and my quarters. The clock chimed midnight, and Bowser, Wart, and the rest of the castle was fast asleep. I, however, could not sleep a wink. I kept going over in my head exactly what I was going to say to Mario. I had decided to make it short and sweet. I was hoping to be able to go get my things on the same day I ran boo-hooing to him. The whole thought sickened me, and I finally grew restless and went to bed. The next morning I got up bright and early. I made breakfast for Bowser and Wart (something I rarely do) and explained to them that this was a "power breakfast", and that they needed the energy, since I was going to bring Mario over this evening. Then I got dressed, washed up, and headed for the Mushroom Kingdom. I knew that was were I would find Mario, thanks to some hidden cameras, made possible in part by Apook Co. Well, here I am, I thought. I took a deep breath, than began getting myself all worked up. Within minutes, I was hysterical. I knocked on the door, then waited, sobbing and hiccuping. Mario answered the door. "Lena?" Mario gasped. "What are you doing here?" "Oh, Mario!" I sobbed. "It's positively dreadful!" "What is?" Mario asked, alarmed. "Bowser threw me out! We had a terrible fight, and he doesn't want me anymore!" "He did? Well, are, are you alright?" Good, the punks falling for it, I thought. "No, no I'm not. I was hoping I could perhaps stay with you and the princess? I mean, I hate to impose, but my mother's out of town, and I don't have much more family. It would only be for a little while, just until he takes me back. I'm sure everything will be just fine in a few days." "Well, ummmmm, sure, I guess you could stay. You're sure it'll only be a few days? I mean, that seems awfully soon." I laughed nervously. "Well, Bowser's funny that way." "Hmmm……Well, come in." Mario waved me in, then shouted, "Princess!!! We have a visitor!" "We do?" Peach screeched happily. "Who is it?" I heard the pounding of footsteps, and thought, What an idiot. Royalty should never run, especially when guests are present. But I forget, she isn't really royalty anyway, just bratty fungus. "Who is it, Mario?" Peach raced into the room, then stopped short when she saw me. "What is she doing here?" I smiled weakly. "Hi." "Bowser kicked her out. She has nowhere to go, so she was hoping she could stay with us for a few days," Mario explained. Peach's face softened. "Oh, you poor thing! Oh, I am so sorry. Are you okay?" What a sap, I thought. "Oh, yes, thank you. But there is just one problem." "What's that?" Peach asked. "I need to get my things. Except I'm too scared too go back to the castle alone. I know that sounds silly, but it's true. And so I was wondering if perhaps Mario would go with me?" Mario looked startled. "Do what?" "If you would go back to Bowser's castle with me, just to get my things." When I saw the reluctance on Mario's face, I quickly added, "I mean, since you're such a strong, brave man, and I'm just weak,feeble,and alone." I gave him an innocent, scared look and a little smile. "Please?" Mario looked very proud and overwhelmed, and, since he's a complete idiot and thought I was telling the truth, he agreed. "Oh, thank you, Mario!" I hugged him and gave him my phoniest smile yet. Peach, on the other hand, looked like she was about to barf. If this weren't so important to Bowser, I might have, too. So off we went. When we arrived, the sun was setting, and Bowser's castle loomed before us. Mario was terrified, but I was as cool as ever. Well, except for a little nausea from being around Mario so much, but that was to be expected. "Well, here we are," Mario stammered. "You betcha. Let's go in." I pushed open the gates and trotted right up to the front door. Mario tagged behind. I waited on him to get to the door and stepped aside. "Be my guest." He gave me a weak smile and cautiously rang the door bell. It was opened almost instantly by a goomba. "Why, your majesty, what brings you back?" Goomba asked. (Don't worry, he knew the plan.) "Oh, I hope I didn't disturb anyone! I just simply must get my things. Is that alright?" "I guess so. After all, you are the Queen." Goomba stepped aside and led Mario and I up to the front door of my quarters. I winked at him, just to let him know that I was following the plan. Then, he departed. "Well, I suppose I'll just wait out here while you go get your things," Mario said uncomfortably. "Wait!" I put my hand on Mario's arm. "I just wanted to say that," I took my hand off and wiped the sappy little look off my face, "You are so stupid!" And with that, I pushed him into the wall, causing him to push a hidden button. With a "Woooaaaahhhhhh!" and a yelp, Mario fell to his doom. Suddenly Bowser and Wart appeared. "Hey, guys, we did it!" I squealed. Bowser and Wart raised their eyebrows at me. "Lena, are you feeling okay?" Bowser asked me. "Sure, of course. I'm fine," I replied, regaining composure. "Good," Wart said. "Well, Lena, Wart, we have finally beaten the impossible Mario and Luigi! How does it feel?" Wart and I smiled at each other, then in unison with Bowser shouted, "GREAT!" The End Bwa hah ha aha aha!!!!!!!!!!
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