1/4/00 Okay, so the world didn't end, but mine seemed to. My father decided not to see me for Christmas. For the first time in ten years he decided that the traffic would be too bad. Is that not a bunch of bs? Instead, he sent me some money and a card. ANd one of those really cheap cards. Like he didn't even put any thought into it at all. My holidays really really sucked. New years was the worst. My boyfriend and I had plans but he decided that I didn't mean as much and went out with his friends all night. Like just forget about me. I'm not important at all. I'm just a piece of shit on the side of the wall. I think I'm a little more important than that. So, I spent ringing in (or bringing in) my new year by sitting on the floor of my sister's house watching the president clinton spew crap out of his mouth with my cousin. To make matters worse my sister and I got into a fist fight for the first time that night. Ya, I had fun. Man, this guy wrote me who I haven't talked to in a while and he still wants to marry me. It's weird, I used to like him so much and now he just comes out of no where and changes everything around. I'm pretty sure that we'll always be just friends though. ANd my love in California is doing well. I'm glad to know that. Well, more shit for you later I guess. Oh, bty, I'm still looking for a relgion. Any ideas?

1/10/00 Well, this weekend really sucked. In the middle of cheering for a basketball game I learned that one of my friends died on the way home from school in a car crash. So this weekend I pretty much had to be consoled and consoled others. It just wasn't fun at all. My boyfriend and I got into some major disagreements. Things just feel so confusing. I don't even know how I feel towards him anymore. I don't know anything. I'm questioning my own mortality. I'm scared b/c my friends are talking about how each year bad things happen in threes and 2 things have already happened involving car crashes. I am so scared when I drive now. If every one just realizes how precious life is and how they should seize the day. Sounds corny I know. My grandmother lost her money today and started bitchin at me like I had stole it and searching my room. She found it a couple of minutes later and apologized but she hasn't tried to comfort me at all. She's been so non understanding and everything and it makes me sort of sick. I don't know anymore about anything. I just hope that I get to do the things that I would like to do before I die. I don't want to die right now.

1/11/00 Happy Birthday to my boyfriend Jason! He's 18 today so that's really cool! Anyway, last night was so fucked up. I went to his hockey game and it was so rigged. The ref was a complete idiot! Plus, the other team had "hockey cheerleaders" which was so gay. So, I got into it with them and my friend had to block me from them b/c I was going to kick all of their asses. So, it turned out pretty interesting. Then, I went home and tried to destress by baking a cake but that turned out so shitty. I sure as hell wouldn't eat it. Oh well. The wake is today so wish me strength if you care. Tell you more later. Oh ya, btw, I got an e mail inviting goths to go on a trip together to Europe this May. If anyone wants it e mail me.

1/31/00 I started kickboxing! It's so cool. My mom came down and stayed for awhile. She is such a bitch all they did was drink and bitch about me and how I'd be nicer to them if they were white b/c I'm so "racist" you know? Some guy name Jason e mailed me and I am very intruiged by him. We'll have to dive into that subject later I suppose. My boyfriend Jason is being a big prick. I actually hung up on him last night he pissed me off so much because I "choose not to choose a religion." WHy does he give a shit? He acts like I don't believe in God. And if I didn't who cares? It's my beliefs. I hate when I tell people that I don't have a religion and then they assume that I don't have beliefs. I am going to a concert soon. Yea! I can see all of my goth friends from the summer. I haven't talked to Steve from California lately. Oh, I want to make an apology. There is a girl who e mailed me this very long sweet e mail and I never wrote her back. I am so sorry! I really have trouble just getting on line. But, I apreciate the e mail very much!!!

2/2/00 Everything seems to be really "normal" today I guess. I've found that I've lost my ability to concetrate at school. Like, I really don't care anymore. I don't even know why. I am so burnt out I just want to take a trip far away! I feel bad for Lisha. Her life has been having its downs a lot lately and I really don't get a chance to be there anymore for her or even talk to her. Did I tell you that my sister and I aren't speaking anymore? She always seem jealous of me for some reason or another. I really don't care about her anymore either. Hey, does anyone know of some colleges with a good scene around them? Just curious since I'm in search of a plan so that I can get the hell out of here as soon as I turn 18. Well, more later.

2/3/00 Well, I'm actually starting to care about school a little more. Maybe because I actually got sleep for once last night. My schedule is so hectic! I'm not sure why I do this, but I think that it is a way for me to keep myself out of trouble. If all of my time is occupied then I can mechanically go about my "life". I've been thinking about so much lately. I've been wanting a razor. I know that it's wrong and bad for me but it seems like the only thing that ever really helped. I don't know what else to do! When I cut myself I HAD CONTROL! I was not at the mercy of others. They couldn't hurt me as much as I hurt myself and that was good. It was powerful and wonderful! And then I went too far and I got really scared. I saw the extent of my own mortality and now I am confused. I need something. What can I do? Every day I think about driving the car and going to buy one. I don't know. I am not ashamed of my scars. They have gotten me through life. People don't understand. They just stare and whisper but I can't handle things the way that they do. I'm not them!

2/17/00 Today's Chuck's birthday. Well, I might call him. That will be weird. I got a diamond necklace from Jason for Valentine's Day! :) I added a new poem to the site. Gosh, this preppy mother fuckin white boy called me a badass today b/c he started shit with me and he thought that I'd back down but I don't. I am so sick of rich preppy assholes who think the world revolves around them. It doesn't. As soon as they die they are going to be food for the worms just like the rest of us

2/24/00 Well, Craven e mailed me and I am going to get a chance to write him back tonight incase he thinks that I forgot about him. I really didn't! I just have trouble getting online. But that will end when I get to college. Holly Chanel reappeared in my life which is awesome and I linked her site. Um, I've been super depressed again. You know how sometimes you want to fit in and then sometimes you wonder why you want to? Well, it's sort of like that. I don't know. It's just an ongoing thing with me. You know, I have a love hate relationship with myself. Well, later.

3/22/00 Long time no write to.. I went to Mt. Vernon this weekend. I had fun. There are some really cool girls there that I had met at some concerts that I had a lot of fun with. Shame on me though, I cut myself again. Not too deeply, but I needed to see how it felt. DId I need to see if I was real? I don't know. THere was a longing inside of me. I don't know any other way to deal with my problems! I had a dream, and there was this guy there that's been there before, and I know that he's real. He exists. ANd I want to find him. I love Jason but I don't think he's my soul mate. THere's someone out there. Maybe it's Craven :) or maybe it's someone that I've never met before. But I want to find him! I'm going to the Die Symphony concert April 22. That should be fun. Well, that's my immediate thought process.

4/10/00 If anyone is reading this who e mailed me the computers at school are messed up and won't let me get into hotmail. Sorry! I want to write Dan back to see if he wants to hang out next Saturday! And I can't e mail Craven! :( TTFN

4/14/00 I feel hollow and empty today! And I don't know why. Sometimes I just get this way and it's so shitty. I know that even cutting won't help. And everything seemed to be going okay. But now...

5/3/00 Long time no write to! Lo siento. Anyway. A lot of shit has happened. There was this whole thing that went wrong with Jason b/c of Matt. WHo is Matt you ask? I met him b/c of Krissana and after 2 weeks of knowing me he's in love with me! I don't know what to do. But 2 days ago it all blew up and I ended up losing and throwing and breaking a glass in my house and my grandma got all pissed off but I don't care. I was on the phone trying to work things out and she told me to get off but I said that it was important and she said that it wasn't important to her. She's such a bitch. I came home from prom Sat moring and there was a machine gun lying on my kitchen table! Later I asked her what that was about and she told me that it was none of my business but some friends had wanted to know if she wanted to buy a gun but she said no. If there's a freaking gun in my house I want to know. Apparently she's supposed to be buying one for my sister who tells me how much she hates my guts everytime she sees me now. It's like a ritual with her or something. I don't know what the fuck's going on. Jason and I are shaky, Matt's proclaiming his love for me, My Grandma's turning into some crazed psycho, and my sister hates my gutts. Just your typical household I guess. What am I supposed to do here? I leave tomorrow to go to Gatlinburg Tennessee for Show Choir so atleast I'll be away for awhile. I am so confused. I have to say that I do have a crush on Mat which is terrible and I feel awful but nothing's happened you know? I don't know what to do. I've told him that I think he's psycho but he's so sweet. Yesterday as soon as I got home he was knocking on my door. Like he was watching my house or something. And he promises me all these things. But honestly I think that he and Jason are up to something against me and I don't trust either of them right now which leaves me with no one to trust I'm so screwed. HELP!!!!

5/8/00 We got 2nd place at Gatlinburg! And then I came home. It seems to me that Matt is being more harm than help! I think that he is majorly screwing with my mind and honestly I don't want to deal with that. I hope that he reads this so that he knows that I don't want to talk to him for a long time. I hate when people lie to me by omitting the truth, and that's what he's done. He's never going to get the chance to go out with me! I'm through with him! And I'm sick of my grandmother calling me names! B/c I am not what she says. And on the point of being pisses off, my brother who hasn't seen me in 11 years couldn't take one day off to come see me at my competition! Like one day is too much to ask for. So I guess that he really doesn't give a shit about me, I'm not important enough to care about apparently. WEll, fuck him too. I'm so sick of being unimportant. For once in my life I'd like to matter.

5/9/00 Just more bad news on the home front. Why do I even bother to keep writing. Isn't it all just a broken record really? Lately I've been contemplating suicide again. But then I just try to tell myself that I only have one more year. It just seems too much to bear. and I wonder, why can't anyone set me free? WHy have I been chosen to suffer?

5/22/00 Long time no write to again. Jason and I are still together. Guess what he wanted for graduation... a microwave! So I got him one. Those things are expensive. ANyway, Matt wasn't too incredibly in love with me b/c he found a girlfriend. It shouldn't make me jealous but it does. that's ok. i have some one. I don't know what's wrong with ALisha but things seem different between us. summer is rapidly approaching and I don't know who I will have to hang out with. I guess that just seems like a typical teenage problem, i just hate feeling alone and rejected. I joined a gym and i'm working out a lot. If I just stop eating so many cookies! My birthday is almost here! June 6th and I won't have a curfew and I can watch rated R movies! How cool is that. One more year and I'm out of here. Off to college I'll go. I want to go to Bradley University and do something in the Business department. I'm going to the Metallica concert. I can't wait for that. But, other than that, I just have work lined up for this summer. And I'm singin the National Anthem at the Championship baseball game at this park in August. THat's really freaky b/c last time i sang it I forgot the words! That was a screw up. this time i'll write them down. later...

7/6/00 Well, we went to the Metallica concert. I wasn't too impressed with Kid Rock. In fact, he really pissed me off b/c his show sucked so badly. Korn was awesome though. Okay, I'm going to relate to you a problem I'm having and maybe someone can help me out. I'm almost afraid to write this honestly b/c I guess it just doesn't seem like something that I should talk about. Well, I'm still w/ Jason. 9 months today. Things aren't much better on the home front, but I think that they never will be. I've been going through this self image screwed up thing. My mom told me that I looked fat a couple of weeks ago and I've been freaking out. I weigh 115 and I'm 5'4 but I feel like shit now. So I've been exercising every day, and I am going to start taking pills, it's crazy. This summer sucks. It's been nothing but work, work out, and hang out with Jason. That's all that I've done. Well, if anyone wants to respond feel free to. P.S. Thanks to all of the people with the positive comments out there.

5/12/00 My dad got me a car, and now my grandmother is trying to have it taken away. I don't know why she tries to fight me about everything. It seems like whenever something goes right in my life, something else has to go incredibly wrong. But that's life I guess. Jason and I had a really long talk the other night. I do love him very much and I can't even imagine life without him. I hope he knows how much I care, and he has nothing to worry about when it comes to me leaving him. He also doesn't have to worry about Craven. And I hope that he reads this! I am not letting him go, he's just going to have to put up with me until the day he dies because I've decided that I'm keeping him! My friend Jessica told me that I have to keep him b/c he owns one of the Doors cd's and she loves them. :) TTFN Let's cross our fingers, my dad's coming down monday to talk to my grandma about the car. I don't want to be there when they talk. I hope this all works out!!

12/10/00 WEll, it's almost the end of the year. It's been a long time since I've written and a lot has happend in my life. The important things are: Jason and I are still together, I'm still living with the bitch, Alisha and I are still best friends, and otherwise life pretty much sucks. I have a car but no job at the moment. I'm going to try to work on this page. ANd I'm looking forward to finishing this school year and leaving this hell hole!!!

Not too much is new. I'm just trying to get this site up and running and I'm waiting to talk to Craven. Matt is avoiding me I think. I don't know. Who does really?

12/13/00 It's been one of those days. It snowed 9 inches but somehow my car brought me over here (Jason's house but he's still in college and not here right now.) I helped someone push their car out of the snow and that was pretty much the highlight of my day. Matt's pissed of at me. I can't blame him but I will anyway. Everything that I do is wrong. Life can be so shitty. I hate the holidays. I was looking at stuff on the web and their are so many pretty people that it makes you look at yourself and think of all of your flaws. That's what I did. I resent Jason for things that aren't his fault. I don't know why. I'll never be satisfied with anything in life. I can't ever be happy. I'm waiting for someone to page me tonight but they won't. I don't feel well. This has not been a good life...

12/15/00 Well, everyone keeps asking me what's wrong. and I'm not quite sure what is. I know that I've decided to try to be happy. I'm making a veil tonight. Wish me luck. Matt's still not talking to me. I wish that we could just resolve things. Atleast let me apologize. I talked to Tom the other night. That was weird. Out of the blue he just started talking to me. But there are things in our conversation that I cant figure out. Jason's home. And I'm not as excited about seeing him as i suppose that I should be. Figure that one out.

12/20/00 Everything's worked out. Atleast between me and other people. Within myself is another story. I don't regret Saturday but I don't want to ever think about it again. And I'm sure that I've affected my life forever by one night of stupidity and attention craving. This holiday season is definantly not cheerful. Why is everyone so upset because I don't really talk anymore. What's so wrong about not wanting to fill the silence every second? Well, later.