5/28/01 Talked to my mother today. Bad experience, enough said. Work was okay. I tried to put in my two week notice and my boss wouldn't let me. He really doesn't want me to leave but I'm not making enough money there. I'm going to see about joining Americorps tomorrow. I don't have the self esteem to be a stripper. Talked to my dad, that was depressing. I've been really depressed and emotional lately. There's no scene in the area. Only a couple of days til I'm 18!
5/23/01 I have a new e mail address that works. I still don't know about the whole job thing for this summer. we'll see what comes up.
5/22/01 Things are going pretty well. We're planning a trip this summer to stop by Tennessee and see my dad and my niece and nephew who are like 10 and 9 and I've never seen them! And then we're going down to Louisiana. I talked to Dan today. Apparently he was in Germany for awhile. If he hadn't been out of the country, things might have gone differently in my life. I guess that everything worked out the way that it was supposed to. We're still really tight on money. I really want to do exotic dancing this summer but Ron doesn't want me to. I know that a lot of people don't find it tasteful or respectful but it makes good money and it's something that I could do you know? I know that some people would look down on me, fuck, a lot of people would look down on me, but I don't want my boyfriend busting his ass with two jobs and not being able to afford school books. I don't want to not contribute and I sure as hell don't want to stay where I'm working right now. We'll see. Besides, I really want to get my eyebrow pierced and I'm sure that it wouldn't be a problem if I was an exotic dancer.
5/20/01 It's graduation day. Am I excited? no. My mother and father are both going to be there. I'm not really looking forward to that. Maybe it will bring some closure. I can figure out if I'm going to get my money or not and figure out what is going to happen with the car. Ron won't be there, he has to work. I'm not upset, just disappointed. But we do need the money. Just a lil over two weeks and I'll be 18. That I'm excited about. My work got bought and isn't a corporation anymore, it's a franchise starting the 1st of June. I won't be working there too much longer anyway but I wonder what the new owners are like.
5/15/01 Things are okay I guess. They seem pretty fucked up right now. I still can't get into my hotmail account but I am signed up for icq. My # is 118107010 so talk to me damnit!
5/11/01 Ron saw the scars and he wasn't happy. He said that he doesn't want his future wife and future mother of his kids to do this. We talked a lot. This apartment is in such an awesome location b/c of the trail nearby and there are so many great places to walk. We had a good night. Although I'm still feeling pretty hopeless. I'm feeling somewhat better. He puts so much faith in God. I admire him for it and yet I'm sick of it. I'm not like that. It's my last exam day and then no more school.
5/10/01 I've realized just how pointless my life is lately. I believe that everything I've ever done is meaningless. I'm a horrible person who's never going to amount to anything. When things start to look up for me I fuck them up. I started cutting my arm again today. I want to die but I never go far enough. I'm trying though. I mean honestly, all of the hard work I've donw in my life for what? Why am I here? Why the fuck am I here? I've lost everything in my life. I've fucked everything up. I fucking hate myself.
5/2/01 A lot happened. I got kicked out Monday night and got told to move my stuff so I did. Shawn's family is so wonderful. they helped me and ron move all of my stuff and then yesterday we were really blessed. we got the apartment that we were hoping to get. so, yesterday we moved in. i was so tired b/c i haven't gotten much sleep lately so he moved most of the stuff while i slept. we still need to get some things but all in all we've set up shop. and becky is so wonderful. she talked to the guy at loyola and i may still be able to go. i have to call him today. plus, next week i will be signing up for air national guard. so much happened. i'm back friend's with alisha which is so wonderful. i had called her on monday and it was so good to talk to her when i really needed someone. i called sara that night and she pretty much turned into a bitch. but i didn't really expect too much out of that friendship anyway. so, we leave for chicago tomorrow for our competition but next week i will get the rest of our stuff settled in and then we'll just keep going from there.
4/28/01 Is it all worth it. All that we go through. Is there a meaning, a purpose. I just worked 13 hours today. I'm tired. That's going to be just about full time this week. I'll sleep now.
4/27/01 It's me again. People at work are so fake. I'm sick of fake people. I've been going through really bad boughts of depression but Ron is helping me so much by being there for me. I wanted to call Alisha tonight, but I reread her last e mail and remembered that she would be at prom. If she reads this, I want her to know that I can't get into my e mail from this computer or else I would write her. I'm almost out of school. I can't wait. Okay, all of the other random thoughts floating through my head right now are pretty pointless so I'm going to finish drinking my hard lemonade and get to sleep soon. :)
4/27/01 I'm not going to prom tonight. I didn't really want to. Instead I'm going to work. Life's been having its ups and downs lately. I've realized some things that I didn't want to see before. About the people that I talk to. For the most part they're really shallow. I miss some of my deeper conversations, but I won't get into why that can't be. There's always someone to mess up things like that.
4/23/01 We found some apartments that look cool. we're calling today. i know that it seems so fast, but we're not traditional. when you know waht you want, go for it. should we instead hang out for a couple of months and then go on dates and then in 4-5 years get engaged. you know what i mean? things aren't too bad lately. everything for the most part has been going for the most part well. my brother wants to come to my graduation. he didn't tell me this, my father did. i haven't talked to my brother or seen him in 12 years and all of a sudden he wants to come up to see me? i don't know if i want him to be there. i don't know why he wants to see me. maybe i should just accept it and be happy but i'm so hurt by him that it's hard. i don't even really want to go to graduation i just want to get out of highschool. there's not too much longer left though. the poem on my guestbook is beautiful. ron's writing a song about me and part of the lyrics go "glitter goth you stole my heart". how cute is that?
4/19/01 obviously "kate" needs to get a life! If you need to devote part of your time trying to preach to me. I'm not hiding from the truth, but I'm also not going to dwell on things that are negative. you know of what i write and how i feel about things by my words but until you know me personally or live in my life you don't know me so why be so judgemental? why even bother to try to change how you assume I am? And thank you to one of the three for writing. It means a lot to me. I'm sorry that some things have gotten out of hand lately. and it means a lot to me to have you write. it also means a lot to me that li li sent me and easter card. i'm not a mean person or a bad person i'm just human. if people don't like what i say or how i act and it's not personally harming or affecting them or anyone they know then why do they bother to read my entries or try to change me? Kate you seem like a really insecure individual and if that's the case then reflect instead of trying to mess with my life.
4/18/01 It's amazing how people reactwhen things start going good for you. They're so used to you being down and when you finally have something they turn on you. You begin to realize who really cares about you. My life is going well, and i'm happy, and I'm peaceful, and I'm finally not running away from things. If people can't accept that, then that's up to them to decide. I don't have as much hatred towards certain people in my life anymore, and it's sad if they still need to try to destroy things. Why are people so hateful towards others? and why is our society so judgemental and self absorbed? i'm not normal because it doesn't exist. and i write here b/c i like to air my thoughts. attention is pretty irrelevant. so much is happening right now and i didn't plan on finding ron. i didn't plan on being with anyone. it was a miracle that it happened. everything happens for a reason. if people choose not to accept it then i have to wonder why they care so much to waste the energy with worrying about it or even thinking about it at all.
4/17/01 Hello again. Haven't been home all weekend. I'm giving Jason's stuff back asap. It's over but I'm not as distraught as I thought that I would be b/c I found someone. Or someone found me. And life is wonderful. I never imagined that I could be so happy but I am. I hope it lasts. We're getting a place together in a month and he cares so much. His name is Ron and he's in a really cool band and I've fallen!Special note to Suz (Ice Queen) I really miss talking to you too! As soon as me and Ron get our internet set up we'll be back to chatting away. Thanks with puttin up with all of this mess. I've just had so much happening lately. And it's almost graduation time so there's a lot of homework and i'm working 5 days a week and then there's everything else. If you want to see a pic of Ron go to The Cradles He's the lead singer/guitarist.
4/11/01 Greetings to everyone. I'm sorry that I haven't written. I've been deathly ill. I couldn't even drag myself out of my bed and i still got bitched at for some reason. i don't know what's going on with me and Jason. i know that ron's pissed at me but i don't care. I had a lot of fun friday. we all went out to the club and danced and i met this really cool guy but i'm sure that in the light of day he's an ass like the rest of them. i just don't care right now. I know for sure where i'm going to college : loyola university chicago! it's going to be awesome.
04/06/01 Happy 1 1/2 anniversarry that doesn't exist to me. Update: My life is messed up. My sister was being a bitch to me b/c she wanted to get her skanky butt in my back seat and no one rides in my back seat so now I am a racist bithc hwo shouldn't talk to her kids and should go practice my witchcraft and my grandmother agrees and yells at me too about how I'm too white and bitches about my music and I'm just saying two months from today and i'll be 18. Just two months if I can only hold onto my sanity for that long.I hate living there. I'm sick of constantly being put down. I haven't talked to Jason since we broke up. He wrote me this extremely personal and sweet e mail. He's finally beginning to realize some things about himself. He's on the right track but I'm not going to jump back into our relationship. I don't want any relationship right now. I just want to try to enjoy life, have fun. I bought Linkin Park's cd which isn't really dark but it's really good. I hope my friend Ron starts feeling better soon b/c he was really down last night. I wonder why my sister and grandmother hate me so much. what do they see in me that is really so terrible? I started smoking again. Bad habit i know, But I get so stressed out. So, is it better to smoke or cut my arm? It's like voting, you have to pick the lesser of two evils. sometimes three. anway, there's gotta be something/someone out there. why can't i be happy?
4/4/01 I broke up with jason last night. this time i'm not going to crawl back to him, unless he really does change and understand what's wrong between us. he has to learn that he can't just apologize and everything is okay. i'm not going to jump into another relationship for once, i'm going to try to stand on my own. my mom's being nicer, i don't know if it was because she was laid off or because of her new found love for exercise. either way, i'm glad she's being cool. sorry suz for not being able to write to you much but i do care about what's going on in your life!
4/2/01 I didn't go to Chicago this weekend, but some things did happen in my life. I took some things into perspective. But first I have to thank Ron. I would probably have been dead or in the hospital if I hadn't talked to him last night. I was so depressed and I was drinking heavily and I was about to walk out the door and into my car to go get a razor blade or run off the road. I didn't really care which happened, but I called him and he really helped. I'm glad that we're friends. But this weekend, Jason completely screwed me over, and then said that everything is my fault. I honestly believe that he thinks he's right. And his reason for not even taking a minute to page me is and I quote "I didn't come into town to see you, I came for a regatta." end quote. ANd I am so in love with him, and i love him so much, but I'm sick of this shit. This messes up my life, drives me to the edge and I give up hope, on my life, on my self, and I can't do it anymore. I won't. I'd rather be alone. Yes, I do feel it's better to be used than useless but this is going to far. I don't feel that I'm such a bad person, or girlfriend, and I'm going to die inside but I have to stick with my decision. It's over, for good, and I will be losing a lot but if I stay with him I'm going to kill myself. Honestly, I might do it anyway eventually, but I can't take it anymore. With him I just don't know. After the last time we split up, I changed. I realized how I had been taking him for granted and I came to appreciate him more and the things we had and shared but he seems to be indifferent. I'm not going to be with someone who knows that they can do whatever and I'll take it b/c I did take it but I can't. And if he tells me that I'm making the wrong choice and I'm going to regret it than fine, but he isn't even going to my prom b/c of his regatta. He can have his college life, and his future career and his family, but he won't have me. There's gotta be someone out there for me. I'm not looking, but eventually it will all turn out okay. After I talked to Ron last night, I had a dream. I was at the store buying stuff for college, and I was buying triangle shaped paper and I didn't know if it was right but I got it anyway. It turned out that I needed different paper, but I figured that I'd keep that paper anyway since I had already bought it and I'd get a notebook or something. I had bought a whole box of that paper I couldn't use, and when I was buying it I knew that it probably wouldn't work out, but there was that chance in my mind, and so I got it anyway. That's kind of like my relationship. It really made me think.
3/30/01 Tomorrow I'll be in Chicago. Yea! I'm really sick of my mom being in town. There are too many people over my house and they're assholes and it just really really sucks.
3/29/01 Well, I read the responses to my last journal entry, so since it actually seems to matter, I'll talk about what's going on. My mom's in town for a week. Which, to some may not seem like anything at all, but it is really a very hectic time. It's walking on eggshells. And then things with Jason are still pretty haywire, everyone's talking about prom and i'm not going b/c i don't really have anyone to go with and i can't really pay for it all by myself, i haven't been feeling well, i'm still not over the alisha turned into a bitch thing, i was disappointed with some things i hoped to happen with some people but never turned out the way that they were supposed to, i have a hell of a lot of people pissed at me b/c I stuck up for a friend that a lot of people have turned on, etc. etc. etc. you get the drift.
3/26/01 Everything is fucked up.
3/20/01 Happy first day of spring. A lil good news, I ran 5 miles in 40 mins and 50 secs. I was really happy. Work was good, I'm starting to get along with people there. I'm still sick of people at my school though, I can only hope that college will be better. I'm trying to meet more people around here into the scene. I've been kidding myself, trying to fit into groups that don't want me. I've been straying, but I'm fixing that mistake. Jason and I are okay. He's so stressed lately. I don't know. Renee and I are going to breakfast tomorrow. "Greg" has stopped e mailing me so, this is the last time I mention him.
3/19/01 It's me again. I thought that I had found the opportunity to be needed. But now I'm not so sure. I guess it's not meant for me. Why not? I'm so sick of being me.
3/19/01 I'm really sick of people at my school being a bunch of assholes. I wonder when Cradle is going to announce their tour dates for the US. Hopefully soon. Jason is really stressed out lately which sucks but I understand. I was supposed to go out tonight but I'm way too tired. Not too much of interest has happened.
3/18/01 I saw Dogma last night. I didn't really like it. Work was really busy. Jason finally paged me at 1 am but I'm glad atleast that he did page me. Sara and I are going to Chicago on the 1st which will be so much fun. I can't wait to go. Greg still hasn't written me, so I guess that I won't find out who he is. Why do people act they way they do? And why is life the way it is? I hope things get better. I've realized that I don't have faith, I have hope, there's a difference. With faith, you believe that things will get better, with hope, you think that they might, and you want them to, but you're not saying that they will. I don't have faith, just hope.*I put new pictures up*
3/17/01 I had fun hanging out with Dan last night. We saw the movie Traffic and it's something I would definantly recommend. Jeff's being an asshole. "Greg" is ignoring me now. I don't know what's up with that. Work ws okay, our power went out for a couple of minutes last night which was pretty cool. I got my pic's developed so i'll have to put those up within the next couple of days.
3/16/01 I'm really glad that Suzanne and I are friends. I just wanted to share that. She's just such an awesome person. Anyway, I wrote a new poem today and put it up. I'm not as stressed today. I would still like to know who greg is though. These week I've ha 3/15/01 Here I am writing again. I don't know what the hell happend with Jeff today. I can't explain it and I probably shouldn't even talk about it but our friendship changed and I don't know what the hell is going on. As for Greg, I really want to get to know him but I'm not willing to do that if I don't know who he is. He definantly has my attention, admiration, and interest, but how long can he keep it? or does he even care?
3/15/01 What the hell is going on in my life? Everything is going crazy. I couldn't sleep last night. I'm so stressed today that my arms are even shaking. I bitched out a teacher. I can't handle this. I don't know whether to cry or scream. I just want to be held right now. I sure as hell don't want to go to work.
3/14/01 Okay, so this whole "greg" thing is getting kind of weird. but i'll quit trying to figure out who he is and just see what happens. for now anyway.i am annoyed with a lot of people and a lot of things. the whole death theme keeps playing through my head when i lie down to go to sleep and i almost cry and want to call someone but there's no one to call. maybe it's just b/c i'm not a person of faith. and i'm sick of school, and work, and missing my bestfriend. i love sara but it's not the same. nothings the same. but what can you expect. i don't feel like i have a purpose for being here, for being alive. i'm sick of never having enough money, or direction, and i'm just being bitchy so i'll go. Oh, I added new pictures.
3/13/01 Yes I'm writing again. Specifically to "greg". Thanks atleast for telling me Belleville but that doesn't help at all b/c I've met so many people. I can have patience though.
3/13/01 Happy Birthday to Corey! Anyway, I'm going to add more stuff to the Henry Rollins page today. Ice Queen, a new friend of mine, has a really good site. it's the last link on my links page. also, i really would like to know who you are "greg". atleast answer me this, where are you? more later
3/12/01 We won our competition! I was so extremely happy. That's about the only time I've been happy for the past couple of days. I had a terrible Friday b/c of shit with Jason. I don't have an outlet for my emotions anymore. Is it wrong for me to need someone to need me? or to have someone to need? I need him more than he needs me and I'm lost without that. By myself I am not whole. Does that make sense? I don't know what to do about things really. I just miss some things. I added more stuff to my site though. Hopefully I can keep updating it regularly. *Special not to "greg": I would really like to know who you are. I am extremely pleased with the attention and at the same time I don't feel worthy of it. If you could only satisfy this curiosity. Of this I ask.
3/9/01 Our show choir competition is tomorrow. the one that is really important to me that all of a sudden Jason is going to have to miss b/c his mommy decided that she wants some quality time. Also, it seems that I'm going to be looking for a prom date b/c he has a regatto that he doesn't think he'll be able to miss. so if anyone is interested i'm looking for a prom date! I love him but i'm sick of being second. I don't deserve it! I'm adding a Henry Rollins page b/c i've just fallen for his work. it should be up within a week. oh, and i'm looking for a roomate this summer if anyone is interested. it doesn't even have to be in illinois.
3/4/01 I still have no clue who Greg is. Who are you? This is driving me insane! I think that it's cool to have someone like me though. On another note, I've added and changed some stuff about the page. Jason's home. Things are, for the most part, pretty good. I do love him though. I met these two chics at my work last night, Katy and Jennilee. Well, they're customers who come in there every weekend for this one waitress. They don't look like girls at all, they look like very feminine guys. Well, they're sisters, and I was crying b/c of Jason last night and they were talking to me and I sat down with them and Katie paid for my fries and I had a lot of fun. It was weird. And there's more but I don't know how safe it is to safe. I know that Katy's a lesbian and I think that she was flirting with me. I know that she was. She took my pager and tried to lick my arm. I guess that I'm used to hanging around with all types of people. They made me feel a lot better though.
3/2/01 Have you ever had a stalker? I just think it's amazing. The idea that someone thinks that you're so important that their life revolves around you.
3/1/01 Not too much has happened. My college interview went really well, I still haven't figured out who signed my guestbook, and jason's coming home this weekend! Yea. The poms that i coach are doing so well. I'm so proud of them. I have to get new pictures up on my site. I know I know. I havent had any time. Excuses. Anyway, enough babling.
2/26/01 I think that I decided what to do about the whole college thing. I am going to visit Loyola Chicago some weekend in March to see how I like it. And if I get accepted to Harvard in April I will have to visit it. My main issue there are the students. I want to know if I'll get along with them or not. It will be so far away from Jason. This is so hard! I went to a couple of parties this weekend. I'm actually starting to make more friends at school for some reason. Alisha and I are still aren't talking. I don't think that will ever improve. I don't know why things work out the way that they do. *Sigh* I'm sleepy and I have more fuckin homework to do. Oh, and who signed my guestbook as Greg? I still can't figure that one out. I'm sure that it's simple but I'm puzzeled.
2/23/01 Just the usual lately. jason sent me a really sweet e mail which made me feel so much better. My grandmother is being even more of a bitch lately. but if you read my latest poem that explains it all. i think that i called it you and me. and i had this girl e mail me who's pretty cool. it's interesting to find people who actually care out there. and by the way. Alisha, you are the one who dicked me over for that bitch. we were best friends for over two years and you had this sudden revelation for the better in 10 days. that's bullshit no matter what you say. you're the one who wrote the 3 page note and said that no matter what you're going to do whatever you fucking please. so it aint my fault. and i don't think that the world revolves around me, but i sure as hell aint going to dwell on the past either. i've moved on. get over it.
2/21/01 It's been a long time since I've written. Alot has happened, but that's with anyone's life I suppose. Things were going good for awhile. Jason and I were great and my grandmother and I were actually getting along. But last week I went to Nebraska to see Jason and I dumped him and Alisha and I aren't bestfriends anymore and my grandmother started being a major bitch again. Jason and I got back together, and I have a new bestfriend named "Sara" which is cool. My grandmother is still a bitch though. I'm going to start playing bass guitar. I've always wanted to be in a band. I have an interview for college next tuesday. I don't really want to go there though. I think that I would fit in at Loyola Chicago, but Jason goes to Creighton and that's so far away. I'm going up to Chicago to visit and see how much I like it. Everyone died this weekend. Someone I know shot himself in front of his house and two others died in a car accident. Two days ago it was 60 degress and now there's a snow storm. I've been thinking about death a lot more recently. Not about the act of dying, but about what happens next. ANd why? I don't know. THere's got to be a God or god or something out there and there has to be a purpose. But I know that if given the choice I don't want to come back to earth. There's too much pain and sorrow. I don't understand Jason at all right now. It's like, I feel if I make the wrong move or say the wrong thing we're going to shatter and then I'd shatter. But who cares. n hanging out with Dan last night. We saw the movie Traffic and it's something I would definantly recommend. Jeff's being an asshole. "Greg" is ignoring me now. I don't know what's up with that. Work ws okay, our power went out for a couple of minutes last night which was pretty cool. I got my pic's developed so i'll have to put those up within the next couple of days.
3/16/01 I'm really glad that Suzanne and I are friends. I just wanted to share that. She's just such an awesome person. Anyway, I wrote a new poem today and put it up. I'm not as stressed today. I would still like to know who greg is though. These week I've ha 3/15/01 Here I am writing again. I don't know what the hell happend with Jeff today. I can't explain it and I probably shouldn't even talk about it but our friendship changed and I don't know what the hell is going on. As for Greg, I really want to get to know him but I'm not willing to do that if I don't know who he is. He definantly has my attention, admiration, and interest, but how long can he keep it? or does he even care?
3/15/01 What the hell is going on in my life? Everything is going crazy. I couldn't sleep last night. I'm so stressed today that my arms are even shaking. I bitched out a teacher. I can't handle this. I don't know whether to cry or scream. I just want to be held right now. I sure as hell don't want to go to work.
3/14/01 Oka