ChildhoodI can't say that I remember too much. We lived on a farm in Tennessee. Me, my sister, mother and my dad. I remember some good moments and mostly bad ones. I was the really small girl who was goofy and too hyper for her own good. I never did get along well with the "in" crowd but I always managed to find friends. When I was 6 my mother, in the middle of the night, took me and my sister and drove to IL. This is where the story gets really hazy. I know that there was a lot of drinking and fights and accusations. And at sometime or another I testified in court. But my parents were found unfit to keep me and so like some used possession I was shipped off to live with my grandmother. Why were they unfit? Well, my mother was an alcholic. If my family is reading this I don't care. She was and you know it. When she drank she was terrible to be around. And she was very controlling. She became violent sometimes and tried to kill my dad. I remember a couple of times when she didn't have custody of me, she tried to kill my sister with a knife. And once, on Christas, she tried to kill me. This isn't like, she would threaten us, she would attack us and try to finish the job with her hands or with some weapon. She said that she didn't care if she went to jail. The next day she would call and say that she loved us like nothing happened. The family claims that she used to do crack a lot. But I am not sure. My father. Well, I'm not sure if it's true or not and I hate to say it because I feel really insecure with you reading this. Judging me. Apparently he did some things sexually that he shouldn't have with my sister(who is 8 years older than me) and I. My sister is not his child, she was born from the man my mother was with before my father. But as I said, I don't know if this was true. But this whole thing led to a lot of counseling and psychiatrists trying to tell me what happened and what's wrong with me. But this whole thing led to a weird relationship between me and the guys I date. My mother was a controller and so am I. I need control over my relationships. But I try to act like I don't. I try to act like I am giving the control to the guy. And I have this insecurity that the guy is going to leave me. And I truly try to prepare myself for it. It seems as if everyone leaves me or will leave me. So I try to protect my heart anyway that I can. And my grandmother always tries to tell me that men are evil. That all any of them want is sex. So, it scares me off sometimes to even hold a guys hand. Everything she's told me has made me feel cheap and dirty. But I don't do anything. I am a virgin and plan on staying one until I get married. But she swears that I sleep around. I hate when she accuses me of things. Sometimes I try to sit down and let her see the true me. But then she tells me of how it's the devil talking and Satan is using me and I crawl back into that little hole she placed me in when the papers were signed. That's all I am. A cheap possession. Worthless. Meaningless.
Gradeschool went and came with many different schools and many different friends. None of which lasted by the way. But, During that time something happened that I will never forget. It was when we were living in our apartment and my sister was forced to take me out. Me, her and her bestfriend went to this park where we met up with some of her other "friends". Which led to us going back to their house to hang out. Well, that's where it happend. I sat there as I witnessed my sister raped. They had 2 people there to watch me and make sure that I didn't run off. But I finally just got up and ran for the door. I don't remember anything after that. Why couldn't I ever block out that memory...
Middle school.This is where I finally snapped. I don't know why. I had just taken so much stress that I didn't feel like I could handle anymore. So, I ended up in a mental ward. I met some people that I really like there. The only bad part was family therapy. When my granmother came and we had to sit there with the psychiatrist. She told her all these lies about me. And I sat there and I blew up. I couldn't control myself. I just wanted to die. I never thought of killing her. Only myself. It was my means of escape. Fresh out of the nut house to a new school. This one being Catholic where I finished off my 7th and 8th grade. These were the worst two years of my life. I got messed with everyday because of my fascination with Wicca. I wound up going home to my room crying. I never let anyone know it was bothering me. Not even my grandmother knew there was a problem. But, they also messed with me because of my race. My mom is black and my dad is white. So, I heard all the names. But what really hurt was on graduation day. We were sitting there waiting to walk out and my mom passed with her boyfriend,who is white, and she waved. One of my classmates whispered some racial comment about them relating to me and it just ruined my day. I still have a strong repulsion just thinking about anything to do with that school
HighschoolFreshman year sucked. Some of the people from my Catholic gradeschool were there and kept the rumor alive about the witch thing. I joined like every club possible. But, I still didn't seem to fit. And during the spring musical I was sexually harrased by this senior. But there was no one to tell. No one did anything because he did this to other girls and they said to leave it alone since he's graduating. I've seen him since then and he's another that repulses me. Sophmore year was better. I found a bestfriend who seems like it might work. I was still in almost all of the same clubs and I kept myself pretty much out of trouble. The witch rumor only came up a couple of times. It still hurts but not as much. But I still can't and I never will fit in. This is now the summer after my Sophmore year and I plan on going into this with the feeling that I will still be me, and the popular people will still be them, and we will still not get along, and this will never change. Years later and hundreds of dollars for psychiatry spent. I am more messed up now than I ever was before. Everywhere I go there are the popular people. I'm just looking for goths around here. I am still suicidal. This year I would always carry a razorblade around. And whenever my grandmother starting calling me names and telling me how worthless I am I would go upstairs and cut myself. Well, one day not too long ago I wa upset at my boyfriends house and automatically I sat down and cut myself. Only this time, I went too far. I hit a vein and blood was everywhere. To make matters worse, I went into shock. I almost died. After that I threw away my razors. If I ever get ahold of one again I know that I would go back into the habit. Sometimes I hurt myself worse than other people do. I've told you so little and yet so much. And you've judged me and came to your own conclusions. So, now I will crawl back into my little hole and wait for my world to end. *Update* WEll, I snapped again a couple of months ago and I just walked out. So, my family goes psycho, calls the cops and has me drug out of Alisha's house at night where they then take me to the hospital and try to have me committed. It was so fucked up. THe had them test me to see if I was using drugs, or pregnant, b/c they're such assholes. And they told the doctor that they saw pictures of me kissing alisha on graves and other bullshit. my grams said that she feared for her life and that I'd threatened to kill her... Blah blah blah. I wasn't committed, but I was condemned. I am so sick of this shit. My sister goes through her phases too. She's lost all signs of sanity. Am I permanently damnaged? I think so. I act so harshly towards the people, and I use people, and I abuse myself in some ways. In the way I act. I cut myself again. I don't know why, but it felt good. I needed it, the way an alcoholic needs alcohol. Later.. * * *