::more soup for your dark soul::

9/4/99 Ok, last night the football game was ok. My boyfriend Tom was there. But he couldn't stay for very long. He always has the cutest shirts. After the game my bestfriend and Sarah and I egged a couple of houses of people who just really deserved it. My family life still sucks. I want to get out of here but there's no legal way. So, another year to wait. I could never be friends with anyone who dated one of my ex's. Especially one that I cared for. There is no way. And I learned something today that I probably shouldn't have. I hate being nice to people sometimes. It seems like, I want to go to the parties and be included in other shit, but I usually end up just saying fuck it and I go back to some of my more anti social ways. Just fuck them all.

9/5/99 I've never been a very religious person. But, pretty secretly, I've always prayed that I would find someone who would help me find the path that I want to be on. Maybe now, in one of my lowest moments, my prayers have finally been answered. I've met someone who is very religious and who has a semi normal life. Someone who isn't fucked up in the head. Someone who actually likes me. Who's seen me low and been there for me. I hope that I'm right. I guess we'll see. It's just weird b/c usually it seems like people are fake. They are out to use you for something. But, he doesn't seem like that. *sighs*

9/9/99 I just had the scariest night of my life. I drove Alisha home and on the way back the tire blew out. I didn't have any shoes on so I walked 2 miles in the dark on the side of the highway to get to the nearest payphone at this gas station. On the way there this car of 3 bog guys stopped and asked if I needed a lift and I'm like no thanks. So I get to the phone and this lady is trying to talk me into letting her take me home. There was no way I was getting into her car. I called my house and my grandma wouldn't walk 3 blocks to my sister's house to come pick me up. So I had to collect call my bestfriend and her and her mom had to come get me. We had to put the donut on and on the way driving to put more air in it the car was smoking. To make it worse there was this car coming up behind me at like 70mph and I was doing like 35 and it swerved not to hit us. That scared me so much. The brakes were giving out and I had to press them all the way to the floor to get them to work. So I get home and my grandma bitches me out saying all I do is take my friends everyplace in the car and they aren't paying anything. Which is complete and utter bullshit. Plus, a new tire we can get for $20. And I was going to buy a lug wrench and a flashlight. We need a cell phone. Shit I was scared so freakin much walking by myself. I don't want to go to school tomorrow.

9/12/99 This weekend has been kick ass awesome. Friday night the game sucked. But, I met a really cool person. Let's just called him Mr. Dan. Or we can call him old Man dan. Who really cares. Anyway he has this awesome car and we hung out in the cemetery and got drunk. It was pretty cool. I had fun. I think that we pissed off Keisha. I'm not sure. Who knows. Saturday, Alisha and I went to the Loop. We got so much attention. I had all these guys hitting on me which got pretty annoying. So anyway, we were in 2 protests and we met a lot of interesting people. Later in the night we ended up going to some lame ass party. It was so stupid. But all in all it ended up a fun day and a fun weekend.

9/12/99 cont. So I was just thinking about what I want in a relationship. I want to find someone who:

• Lives close to me
• has a car
• would buy me things. Even if it's just lil things. Or make me stuff as a suprise to say that they were thinking of me.
• Would be completely devoted to me.
• He would have to be pretty openminded and accept whenever I change obsessions or styles or fixations or religions.

9/13/99 My English teacher is a stupid bitch. Too much homework. Anyway, practice went well today. There is this one frosh who seems really cool so I'll have to talk to her sometime. Why the hell hasn't my boyfriend called me? I want to talk to him but my phone bill can't take it! I need ideas for my site but I'm like braindead. And I need to start on all this fucking homework. I saw my friend Megan's site. She's satanic now. It's pretty interesting. Not the religion for me but I give it props. I don't down a person because of their religion. I'm all up for religious freedom. Damn it I am so lonely right now. Have you ever had someone but still felt really alone? That's how I feel. A person at my school confided in me today. It was really cool and pretty special. But my freakin locker wouldn't open. It was one of those days. Alisha had to open it for me almost every time. Oh well. Who really cares. Shit, I dont' know, I just felt like cussing because I can =P I want more awards for this site. I think it's pretty good. But like no one is signing my guestbook. Geeze, you think people could take a lil time. I bet you no one even reads this shit except for my friends. If you do then e mail me and tell me. Well, um otay later.

Ps. Well, it seems that people who meet me online have a better understanding of me than people who know me in person. They just read this and take everything the wrong way. And I'm not going to get them to try to understand. It seems as if they never will. But that's otay. I'm getting the picture of how Megan thinks. Oh ya, my boyfriend still hasn't called or e mailed me. What's up with this? I just never seem to win with anything. Oh, did I tell you about the whole castle idea? Well, if I did then I'll tell you again. So, when I "grow up" *which doesn't seem likely to happen :P* I want to live in a castle where I can rule fair and justly over people. I want to wear long dresses like the medival style and I just want a sort of fantasy world. Ok, never going to happen. I know. But it's a great dream. Atleast take me away from all of this violence and this hate. There are too many bad vibes, too many bad memories, too many bad people. Ok, I'm thinking too deeply. Time for bed.

9/14/99 Sometimes it makes me sick when people seem to be concerned for me and what's going on in my life but they don't do shit about it. But, is there anything that anyone can do? Atleast that would effect me positively? Oh geeze life is so screwed up. My coach was being a tad bit crabby today. I finally got to talk to my boyfriend. But then my grams made me get off the phone. I am so sick of her. She's not even going to get the tires fixed until next month b/c she insists on getting new tires. I hate catching the bus. So, when my dad comes I am going to plead with him to get me my own car. I think that I deserve it with all of the shit I've been going through. It's my reward for staying alive through this whole mess. Get me out of here. I feel like a trapped animal, and there's nothing I can do. Nothing! But, ofcourse (puts on her mask) everything is ok. Whenever someone asks you how you are doing do you answer that you are fine b/c you know that they are asking that just as a formality? Why can't people really care? And when they do seem to care they never understand you, they take you the wrong way. I want to be understood. Maybe that's why I look so hard for the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Because I want someone to understand me and to stand by me. I want someone to protect me and to need me. I want so much and I get so little. I guess that's my destiny.

9/15/99 Well, school was pretty uneventful other than the fact that I had to walk through poison ivy for biology. And I had freakin shorts on for like the first time in a month! Just my luck. Anyway, my friend Tiff's boyfriend dumped her today so we hung out after work. We went over to one of her friend's houses and you wouldn't believe it. I met an ex from like a couple of years ago. I never really liked him. I mean, I guess he's a cool person and all but I'm just not attracted to him anymore. He used to be so much taller than me but now I'm almost his height. So, I used to be really short. =) Oh, I saw this guy I absolutely can not stand today while Tif and I were driving to her friend's house. It was really funny b/c he was walking and we were in a car and I guess he thought we were going to give him a ride but it's like nope, see ya loser! That part was really fun. Who cares if it was mean? One messed up part though was, I got home a lil after 10 and called my boyfriend and guess what, he's asleep! He's as bad as Alisha. No one's up this late anymore. Well, except for me. The weekend's almost here. Alcohol anyone?

9/16/99 Well, I found out today that a certain person on my squad is a backstabbing bitch. She's been talking about me behind my back b/c of stupid shit that I didn't even know was an issue. If you have something against me be woman enough to say it to my face. I would treat someone that way so that's how I expect to be treated! I'm going to talk to her tomorrow so we'll see what happens. Fuck the rest of the day, that was the main bullshit that happened.

9/18/99 I hate my grandmother! She's a complete bitch who doesn't give a shit about me whatsoever. If she thinks that I'm the devil then why doesn't she just kick me out? She keeps threatening to. It's not like I don't have any place else to go. Or better yet, let me be emancipated. I want to get out of here so badly. And other people don't help. Everyone just makes it worse. But, there's nothing that they could do to help. Life is shitty. For crying out loud this is the second week that I haven't be able to see my boyfriend. I can't handle this. I need someone here to comfort me. And there's someone that I feel really close to but he lives all the way out in California. I know that I can't expect others to inconvience their lives for me. Who am I kidding? I don't know if I'm going to live through this year. I've been trying to focus on getting a scholarship and doing well in school but this is just too much. I have to get out of here. And I have to leave soon. And I hate my mother. In fact, she's not even my mom. I've disowned her. She's only good for money. Which she hardly ever gives me. What does she do for me? The only time I talk to her is when she calls to bitch me out. I don't see her, I even forget she exists. She keeps threatening me that she's going to kill me. She tells me how worthless I am, and how my dad is just a child molester and he is just nice to me because he wants to sleep with me, and that she never wanted to have me and she's sorry that she did. And if she ever happens to read this fine. I don't give a shit. Maybe I should say how the bitch has a fuckin porno site with her and her boyfriend. How's that for an example? She wants to talk about people maybe she should look at herself for a change. Get her nose out of grandmother's ass for a change to see what's really going on here. She lost me a long time ago and she can never get me back. I'm not me anymore. I've changed. And I can't be who I was, even if I wanted to. But what's the difference. I'll float through this existance the way others do. The law is so fucked up. The legal system is backwards. And this world is for the rich Abercrombie and Fitch wearing bitches. Not for me. Nothing is mine but the misery that I hold. And no one wants to share that anyway. Shattered rays of light fall in vain around me. Crawling, they are absorbed by the darkness of which they so helplessly tried to escape. We all get lost sometimes. Some, just more deeply than others.

PS. Well, we went to the Italian Fest tonight. That was pretty cool. Lisha and I were dancing to this swing music and the lead singer pointed me out. That was really cool. Then, the photographer of the group took a picture of me while I was dancing. So, we had a lot of guys hitting on us which was pretty funny b/c they were pretty much all drunk and ugly. Well, some kids called us freaks which I thought was completely hilarious. I don't know why, I just started laughing right then and there. I mean, I guess you just had to be there. I got a lot of compliments on my outfit. And there was this little girl who was like "Mommy look at her pretty lipstick." I met this girl with blue hair that was just really cool. The only goths there. Anyway, we're hanging out with her and her friend's next Friday at the Octoberfest. Isn't that stupid, they have the Octoberfest in September. But, oh well. We took some pictures so when we get them developed they'll be up here. Oh ya, some guys walked past and they looked at me and they were like "Aren't you that girl who was shaking her butt?" Silly me, I thought I was dancing. LOL Anyway, it was all pretty cool. Now I have to wake up early tomorrow to work! I don't wanna but I have to. :( Atleast it's money though. Well, I'm bored and stuff so, more later. Oh goody!

9/21/99 Well, I feel so absolutely terrible right now. I wish I had a razor because I know no other way of making myself feel better. We’ve been fighting again. I had to go pick up Tysie and Raufu from St. Elizabeth’s so I drove down there but I didn’t see them so I came back to the house to make sure she said there and I don’t remember why but she ended up throwing something at me and I was so surprised. So I said what the fuck are you throwing shit at me for? And I went to go pick tysie up and took her to Walgreen’s to get raufu’s medicine. So we came back and she asked grams if I could go to the hotel Thursday and tysie said she just snapped and grams made tysie take the car and said that I had to catch the bus and she was like “ya, and she has school off Friday and thinks that I don’t know and she’s trying to be sneaky” What the fuck is she talking about? Anyway, so I carried raufu to the car and came back in and when I walked in the door she called me a bitch and I asked her why she called me a bitch. I’m not sure what she answered and I remember that we got into it about something or other. Her calling me a devil worshipper and shit and then I’m like if you feel this way why don’t you get me emancipated and she’s like ok, you write up the papers and stuff and I’ll sign it. But she’s full of shit b/c there’s no way she’s going to sign it or go through with it and now she won’t let me on the phone b/c all of a sudden she just feels like talking on it. I have to leave here! I am crying so hard and shit that I can’t even concentrate enough to study. And I have this major test tomorrow but I have no will to study whatsoever. My sister just walked in the house I don’t know what she wants. Sometimes my sister pisses me off so much. She’s 24 but she’s so dependent on them. She acts like she wants to help me and then she turns her back saying that there’s nothing that she can do. Fuck her too. She doesn’t give a shit. I wish that my dad was back in the states. I hate life so much I just want to get away from here. I want to start a new life and forget that this “family” exists. I swear that they are my worst enemies. No one treats me worse. I think that my sister left. She didn’t even come up here to talk to me. I hope that she doesn’t use up all the fuckin gas that I just put in her the car. My “grandmother” keeps saying how disrespectful I am but I’m only like that to people who disrespect me. How can I feel better? I feel so terrible and so goddamn alone. I don’t know what to do. If I am violent then I get put in juvy, if I run away and get caught I get put in juvy, she won’t emancipate me, and everything is just so screwed up! I need to find someone to live with incase I can get emancipated. I think that I’m going to try to talk my dad into moving up here so that I can live with him. I’m pretty sure that my dad and I would get along pretty well. I’m shaking and I’m crying and I’m so cold and alone. Why do I always have to feel so alone? Why can’t there ever be anyone here who understands. Either people don’t care or they think that I’m just exaggerating. Or, they think that I’m just going through what everyone else goes through. Well, if I am, then I see why so many teenagers kill themselves. I would right now if I had a razor. What can I do to feel better? I just want someone right now to hold me in their arms and tell me that everything is going to be okay. Why can’t I just have someone here for me? What have I done? Do I really deserve this? I am so weak, I can’t handle this I just can’t. How can I go through this for another 2 years? It’s not possible! I’m going to snap and I know it. That’s another reason why I want to get out of here. I have such violent thoughts and one day I’m just not going to care what I do anymore. It seems inevitable. I guess I’m going to try to do some homework now. I can’t concentrate.

9/22/99 Well, I guess today was better than yesterday but it still wasn't great. I had to get a ride to school with my bestfriend. Now I'm like not even allowed in the car. Oh I'm so sad. It's not like I haven't been catching the bus for the past how many years now? A lot. Show choir practice wasn't too bad. There is one guy in there who I think is a major qt. I accidentally snapped on him today b/c of this stupid shit but we talked about it and worked things out. I had to snap on a lot of people today and I had so much trouble concentrating! Some people voted for me for homecoming court. If I even make it, that will be the funniest thing. A goth all dolled up. Oh I can think of something really creative for that. But, I'm pretty sure that I didn't make it. At my school it's just a big popularity thing. I wrote some new poems and I might type them on here tonight. Just three poems. The one that sounds like a nursery rhyme is completely symbolic. Everything stands for something and not necessarily what it says. Well, I'm gonna go now.

5/25/99 Well, Friday night sucked. Alisha and I hung out with Steve that I met online and some of my friends from around here. They just clashed. Anyway, I just didn’t have a fun night. And it didn’t help to come home and have my sister trying to persuade my grandmother and mother into putting me into a foster home. Alisha was even saying how my family treats me differently. It’s like they are all against me. Today, I got like 3 hours of sleep. I had to wake up at 7am to get to work on time and I worked an 8 hour shift, which wasn’t too bad. I like my job. But it was so tiring. Then, I had a game that I had to cheer for. We won. And afterwards I was alone. It really sucked b/c I felt really depressed so I was walking from the game and I heard the music from the festival downtown so I decided to walk down there and sit. Well, I ended up making a new friend. And guess what, he looks exactly like Kid Rock! It was so funny. His brother has a son that is so adorable. He’s going on 3 years old and they call him Forest. He had long blonde hair and he was just the most adorable little kid! Well, they made my night less depressing b/c they were really nice. The only thing is, I told them I was 17 when I’m not and I feel sort of bad for that so I don’t know if I should tell them the truth or not. I probably will end up telling them. Oh shoot, I forgot to say that I called Craven (Steve) from California Friday night. He has the coolest voice! He has this accent that is really adorable. I didn’t get to talk to him long though, but I wish that I had b/c we have very interesting conversations. Well, I am going to pass out from lack of sleep so I’ll wrap this up now. Oh ya, System of a Down’s cd is really good! I’m listening to it and I love the songs and their whole style in general. Otay, night and stuff.

5/27/99 Tom hasn’t called me. I can’t remember the last time I talked to him. I guess he’s just been too busy to talk to me lately. At school today I was really not feeling well at all but I hate missing school and I’d really rather not be at home. I don’t really remember what happened at school other than for like the first time I don’t have any homework! I talked to “Kid Rock” today on the phone for like a couple of minutes. I called him b/c he doesn’t have my phone number. Well, now he’s eating chinese food with his friends and he wants me to call him back. So, I’ll call him in like another half an hour. Hopefully I get my Model Un resolution done on time tonight. I don’t feel like doing it but I always turn it in late and I want to have it done. Sounds like a fun night huh? People are already getting dates for the Christmas Ball which is like the big dance at our school. I just hope that someone asks me. I have someone that I would like to go with as a friend who’s a senior but I’m not sure if he’ll go with me or not. I have a good feeling that I need to ask him before someone else does though so hopefully I’ll work up the nerve somehow. Well, I’m still really pissed about not talking to Tom. I mean, it’s not that hard to pick up the phone and call and no I’m not calling him. It’s his turn. And our 1 month anniversarry is this Thursday. Whatever. I am not going to put up with this. It seems like I always have to go through shit with people. Well, with guys. I’m sure I’ll find someone someday though.

9/29/99 Tomorrow's my one month anniversarry with Tom. I found out that he has been trying to call me everyday but my grandmother hasn't been telling me and she's been deleting his number from the caller id. Anyway, Joe is pissing me off. It seems like no one around here ever has time for me anymore. I get so sick of living here. And I've been trying to figure out what would make me happy b/c I am not happy. I like living but I hate life! Yes, it's possible. I've come to that conclusion. And I'm sick of people at my school. I'm sick of immature guys. I'm just sick of everyone really. Especially of the whole mechanical system that I'm living in. Day in and day out it's this routine that never seems to change and I'm trapped in it. You have no rights when you're 16. Damn the system!

10/4/99 Everything is so weird. Well, they had me arrested and tried to have me sent into a mental ward but the people couldn't find anything wrong with me so they wouldn't lock me away. Now, she's makeing me change schools and leave everything and everyone I know and love. I don't knnow what to do, what to live for. The problem she has is being "goth". She's scared of what she does not understand. I've never done anything to harm her and here she is saying all these evil things about me and my friends and she expects me to come home and be all happy and do exactly what she says all the time? I am human. And whether I am goth or not has nothing to do with anything. When I cut my wrists I wasn't a self proclaimed goth and I didn't do it b/c of goths. It was stupid and I did it as a way of releiving anger and frustration. There's nothing wrong with my music. Contrary to her belief I am not a spawn of satan. (No offense to any satanic people intended.) I don't know anymore. I don't even believe that Tom really cares. And that doesn't seem to bother me entirely too much. I would like to talk to Jason to let him know that I'm alright but he probably doesn't care either. There never seems like there is anything that anyone can do and yet when I try to do something it's always thought of as stupid and illthought out. I had said that I was going to quit school if I don't go back to Althoff which I could legally do. But I know that I will probably just give in and go to West. I have no motivation anymore. No will to do well in school or to really live. I just exist in this nonexistant world. Or maybe I don't exist anymore at all. Does it really matter anymore? No, it doesn't.

10/18/99 Well, I had disappeared but here I am again. I guess that you just can't get rid of me. I'm back at Althoff. I guess it's good in the sense that I didn't have to completely start over. But things are different. Or maybe I'm different. My damn locker still won't open though. That hasn't changed. I don't know what happened to Tom. He just sort of disappeared out of my life. And maybe it's my fault. I haven't been able to call him or anything. But I think that he doesn't care. He has his perfect little rich house and his life just doesn't seem to include me anymore. But I don't mind too much. I've moved on. Atleast for now, until something else happens. Something always happens sooner or later. My life is always thrown into some sort of turmoil. My dad called yesterday. I told him that I get to go to Tennessee for show choir. Well, he didn't seem to really care. And it seems as if my brother and his family won't even take one day out of their schedules to come see me. I haven't seen him since I was six years old and the bastard doesn't even want to take one day out. Fuck family.

10/27/99 You wouldn't believe it. Well, I called Tom last night and apparently he's turned into a big bible thumper. He can't go out with me b/c I'm not Christian and it would be going against the bible. That's fine by me b/c I had already found a new boyfriend. I'm going out with Jason and I'm very happy. He's really not like Tom at all. I hope that he likes me as much as I like him. I can't really tell. When he's around his friends or at school he acts so much more different. But, I guess I should expect that. The home front is okay. I got into a big argument with her and so I went out running for awhile. Things always seem to be going great and then something fucked up happens. I don't know anymore. I miss talking to Craven so much. He helped to keep me sane. If you can call me sane. Well, most likely not. Thank you to all of the people who actually read this page. Someday I'll be able to get the hell away from here. But, until that day, I'll be sitting here typing away. I don't know, this seems so boring. Life seems so trivial. The people around here think that I'm too dark and they don't understand my music or my clothes or anything. I would like to find people to relate to but I guess we can't have everything that we want. Well, we can try.

11/1/99 Well, more things to type I guess. I'm sitting over Jason's house. I don't know what to think anymore about anything. I am so freakin scared that he's going to end up hurting me. I'm sure that he well, and I'm going into this with a bad attitude. So what, I never claimed to be the optimist. I was thinking about joining the wrestling team but it means that I would have to quit all of my other shit so I guess that I'll do it next year. Ya, lil old me wrestling. It could happen. I'm supposed to start counseling next week. Oh goody, another shrink I can make think that I am the next anti-christ! I wonder if they're going to put me on drugs. If I act really depressed I can get them to give me prozac and then sell it to little kids on the street corner! I never wrote that I swear. Anyway, incase Craven reads this I'm going to say that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I spent so much time when all you wanted was friendship and I have been looking towards marriage. You are a great person a great distance away that I fell head over heels for and I seriously just fell I guess. I'm sure you understand what I'm trying to say. Hey, if anyone lives in New York, only a year and a half and I'll be moving out there! I bet you can't wait! Well, gotta run, he's bitchin at me to go. Until next time...

11/3/99 I talked to my dad this weekend and he completely pissed me off.Everytime that he comes to visit he always brings me money, or presents, or takes me shopping. This has gone on for the past ten years. Now all of a sudden, he doesn't seem to understand why I expect money form him. That's all he is to me b/c that's all he's ever been. Why should he get pissed at me if that's how he raised me to be? It's not my fault. Is it?

11/15/99 Well, how's everyone? My mother came down this weekend. Yet again she sent me into a nervous breakdown. She makes me feel so freakin trashy and stupid. She's not my mother. Only legally. I've been reading my romance novels again. I mean, it's a way for me to go to a better world so unlike my own, but it makes my expectations rise higher than I can ever achieve. I still believe that I want to get married out of highschool. I need someone to be there with me when I move out on my own. It seems like there's no one to love me. Is anyone out there? I would like to know. I feel so vulnerable. I start counseling Wednesday but I don't need it. I'm not crazy. Well, if I am, I like how I am and I don't need some weirdo telling me what's wrong with me. I can figure it out for myself.

12/16/99 Well, I would say happy holidays but they are never very happy. I miss Craven. Okay so I have a boyfriend here but I still love Steve. Even if he is like 2000 miles away. Jason doesn't understand why I get depressed and why I can't be happy like he wants me to be. He tries to make things right but he can't. I care for him but there is something missing. Exams are coming up. I'm still at Althoff. I actually don't have to go to the psychiatrist. I never had any time to make an appointment so now I don't have to go. One good thing is that Slipknot is coming to concert in January so I'm going to see them I hope! I think that they are right up there with Cradle of Filth in my book. What is everyone doing to bring in the new millenium? If I get enough responses to that I'll make a page to say the top ten ways. I'm going to get so drunk I forget all my problems. (If that's possible.) Well, gotta go. Bye everyone.