Welcome to My Diary

On this page I tell a little on how my life is going and how I've been doing.   You will read some of my thoughts and how I've been feeling over the past year or so.  It's very hard for me sometimes to write everything.  And I find it very hard to keep up on.  But I try.  I hope in someway this page may help some of you understand your own feelings.  Or at least help you see that your NOT alone!

August 11, 1999

This isn't easy for me to write.   This is the first time I have written anything on my page about myself sense I made the page.  I find I'm still having night mares.  I feel I have been so depressed lately.  I hate how I feel.  It's very hard to understand.  There are times I feel so happy and then I feel so down.  I cry a lot.  I sometimes wonder if this is normal?  I haven't gotten the help I think I really need.  I guess I'm scared!  It's not my home life that has me so down. Things couldn't get any better then they are. So why do I feel the way I do?  I know school will be starting soon, so that means my youngest, who is now 6 starts 1st grade, which leaves me home alone all day.  For a better part of 11 years my life has been to stay home and take care of my kids and the house. I'm afraid of the empty feeling I'm going to have being left alone all day.  It's so hard to write something I don't really understand myself.  I think for now this is enough.  I might add more at a later time.

Well here I am writing again.  Nothing seems to ever change.  I still feel so depressed and don’t know why!  I hate these feelings more then anything.  All I want is to feel good again.  I look at myself in the mirror and hate what I see.  I hate the fact that I have gained weight. I feel it’s a loosing battle.  I have such a wonderful husband and children.   So why do I feel the way I do?  I find myself cutting off from the out side world.  Not wanting to do anything with my life.  The feeling of wanting to die comes to mind a lot.  But I would never do anything to hurt myself.  It's just so hard to deal with these feelings sometimes.  They can be so over whelming, so hard to understand, and so hard to control.

Well it's been a little while sense I have written anything.   I have my ups and downs.  Everything is going Wonderful with my husband and I.   And with life in general.  I guess lately I haven't given much thought about things (my past that is.)  My hubby and I did talk one day and I told him how I was feelings about my past.  The hard part is I know he Is having a hard time understanding what I'm going through.  He is trying and is more then willing to help me.  He is so loving and caring.  I would give anything to some how get over these feelings I have from time to time.  But how?!?!  I know there is no easy answer.  Only time can heal all.  I do hope I'm right about time healing all.   I guess right now it doesn't seem like the time will ever come.

June 26, 2000

Wow!  Its been a REAL long time sense I have written.  Things have been going really good for me.  I haven't been as down lately.  And things with my hubby and I are absolutely wonderful!  He and I are feeling closer then ever.   I still have not gotten the help I may need.  But like I said,  things have been going really good.  I have been working on this web page a lot lately trying to up date a few things and work on fixing the page.  Some how angelfire messed up my page during a move or what ever they were doing to it.  Since I have been working on the page it has brought back some pain for me and some thoughts of the past.  I really do try hard not to think about things and just put it behind me.   I don't know if that is good or not?  Am I still holding it in if I don't talk about it?  Am I still hurting myself by not thinking about it?  Or is holding it in and not thinking about it a way to heal?  I'm not sure,  but what I do know is I have been feeling pretty good lately about my life with my family.

August 8, 2000

Well here I am again.  This time I haven't been doing so well.   I have been very depressed lately.  I usually only lasts about a week.  I feel this time its been about 2 weeks.  Lots of crying and snapping at everyone around me.  It's so hard to talk about things sometimes.  Because how do you talk about something when you don't even have the answers for?  I mean I don't know why I feel so down!  Which in itself can be just as upsetting not knowing why you feel the way you do then if you did know.  At least if I knew I could do something about it.  I am starting to feel somewhat better.  It's just so hard not knowing why I have some of the feelings I do have and what do I do about making them go away?   The one thing good is I do feel I am depressed.  Now I just need to figure out how to help my depression.  I'm not big into taking medicine.  But I'm not sure if I can go talk to someone either.  I will keep you posted on what I do.   Thanks for reading and for your helpful emails.

January 4 2001

Hello everyone.  Well with all the holidays I didn't have time to be depressed.  So things seem to be going pretty good for me right now.  I had a wonderful Christmas and New Year with my family and friends. So for now I really don't have much to say.  I will try to right soon. Again thank you for all the wonderful emails.

July 22, 2003

I haven't written in so long I felt I should up date you on how I've been doing.

I have been doing so much better. I battled with depression for so long and am pleased to say I have over come some of my feelings, enough that I can live a much more happier life then before.  It hasn't been easy to over come and I still find it a struggle at times just to be happy.  I have been trying to work on myself by losing weight and making a point that today is a new day. I see a huge difference in my family now that I have changed. They love the new and happy me. I just pray I can continue to improve on myself and never let myself get so down again.

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Song: Unbreak My Heart
By: Toni Braxton