"Taylor..." Mrs. Hanson choked, touching Taylor's back. I watched as Taylor pulled away and looked at me through tear stained eyes.
"I'm sorry.." I said softly, what was I suppose to say? It wasn't my fault, but I did understand how it felt to have...ugh, it was too painful to say.
"Excuse me." Taylor said, standing up and running out of the room. Zac jumped to his feet and followed his brother. ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Taylor slumped against the wall, outside the hospital.
"Taylor? Taylor?" Zac called, as he frantically looked around the area. He saw his brother and ran to his side. "Taylor..-"
"Zac, please, leave me alone!" Taylor retorted, hugging his legs to his chest and covering his face in the gap.
"I can't..don't shut me out!" Zac replied, sitting down next to Taylor. Taylor looked up at him.
"Don't shut you out? You pulled the tube out of her stomach, and pushed it into her kidney..it's your fault!" he cried, choking over tears. Zac's mouth gapped to a perfect 0, and he didn't stop tears of shock and sadness from falling from his eyes.
"I didn't do it on purpose, I was mad...", he paused and gagged, "it was my fault." he realized. Taylor nodded, stood up, and ran back toward the hospital, but not in it... ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
I blinked back some blurred tears, as I rubbed Isaac's back. For some reason, doing that made me wonder. I wondered what Amanda's life was like, and how will it change. I wondered if Taylor got to say good-bye, or "I Love You", or if she knew to expect that..Had she prepared, Had she told anyone...what? Right then, I knew I wanted to experience life..from Amanda's view.
"Isaac..?" I whispered, to him softly.
"Hmm?" Isaac turned and glared at me, his eyes puffy and red, fluid rolling down in little tear drops, reflecting color and life in them.
"What was she like?" I asked, knowing I really needed to know. A part of my new she was sweet, but that was when she was 5, not 15.
"Um,...," he pondered, "she was beautiful, kind, caring, spirited, and loving..she really loved Taylor-" I cut him off,
"And everyone she knew." I said. I knew Amanda loved people, she was open- minded and never let herself be pulled down. She always held her head up high, even after the death of her mother, father, and stepmother. And after Kristi was raped, and after Duncan raped her, and after the move, and even through this, she never went down. Isaac nodded.
"She can hear us, you know." he said. I laughed, choking back some tears.
"Yeah, I know," I paused, glancing at her pale, yet still beautiful and spirited face, "She's laughing at us, saying 'Don't cry, I'm here...I'm not leaving..' I know she is. She's calling Taylor, she telling herself to open her eyes and to pull away from the free place she's in... I know she is!" I said. I knew she was. I could tell, I didn't know how, but I knew Amanda was like that. I knew she was laughing through her own tears, telling us to get up and go home, go back to the normal lives we lead. She would say nothing was wrong, and that she fine, so we wouldn't worry. I knew, deep down, that she didn't think I should be here, holding people I never got to know. Closing my eyes, I looked away and pushed the thought out of my mind. Isaac smiled
"Yeah, she is." he laughed, and touched my hand, "Thanks, that makes me feel alot better." he said. I smiled, and held his hand.
"Me too." ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
I turned the corner on my way home, 3 hours later, the hospital candy striping time was over, and I wasn't welcomed much by Taylor to remain there. I didn't bother to fight it, because I knew he didn't care much for me, and just thinking about how much he despises me brought tears to my eyes. I blinked back tears and saw a familiar face rollerblading toward me.
"Desie!" Shane laughed with a smile. I smiled back, even thought I wasn't happy.
"Hi babe." I replied, turning my head to shade any of my fallen tears. Shane leaned close and kissed my cheek. We've been going out since Christmas of '95, but yet I still wasn't ready to say "I love you." No matter how much I liked him. And his kiss' weren't helping me much either right now.
"What's up?" he asked, sliding his hand into mine. Weakly, after drying my face I looked at him.
"Amanda's in coma..." I trailed off, seeing the light die from his eyes. Both of us knew Amanda had a crush on him, and when I went away to Florida for a month, he even tried to get with her..but she turned him down. Those details were all blurry and faded now, and can't even remember why he said he went to her..but it doesn't matter.
"Funny..now what's really wrong?" Shane passed. The fact that I wasn't lying seemed to scare him, alot more than I thought it did! I directed my gaze direct with his.
"I'm not joking..something happened, and it went wrong. It could have killed her, but she passed out, and when we got to her..." I stopped, "Shane?" I asked, watching a few strains of water gleam off his cheeks.
"It was that serious? Her stupid disease could kill her?" he said, his voice cracking. I placed my hands to his cheeks, and kissed him lightly on the lips.
"Baby, it can..and will in the end..but she's not leaving us, not here, not now." I told him. He smiled weakly.
"Promise?" he whispered. I laughed, and kissed him again.
"I promise." ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Taylor glanced through his teary eyes at Amanda. "What are you thinking?" he asked her, softly. Everyone had gone home, everyone except Taylor,..he vowed never to leave her side. Amanda laid still, but her brain waves went wild, and the sides of her mouth twitched as if she were trying to smile. Taylor..I love you. Amanda tried her hardest to say, but she knew it wasn't working. "Please..don't go..come back. Be with me,..please?" he whispered, kissing her limp hand. She's not leaving..she never will. Taylor's mind stated. Can you hear her? he asked back. Yes., I can. Taylor let out a sigh, and deep down inside his heart he knew part of him was talking to Amanda, he just couldn't hear her. Looking at her for a long moment, he closed his eyes, and laid against her legs, falling asleep moments later. Still crying in his sleep. ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
"She's cool, why haven't I ever called her?" Isaac asked his brother. Zac laughed weakly.
"I don't know..why don't you ask her!"
"What is your problem?" Ike questioned, shoving Zac hard in the shoulder. Zac pushed Isaac away.
"Piss off alright..leave me alone." he said, folding his hands and placing his head down, trying hide another stream of scared and sorry tears. Isaac touched Zac's back, and sighed.
"I'm sorry..it wasn't your fault. Don't blame yourself." he lied. Back, way back in his mind, he knew that it probably was Zac's fault, but he also knew it wasn't meant to be..not like this. Not this horrible. "You can't kill yourself like this Zac. It's not the right thing to do." he said, patting Zac's back and slumping back onto Taylor's bed.
"Wanna bet?" Zac muttered, obviously through tears.
"I'm serious. Don't..its not...healthy."
"No shit..but what do I do? I did it. I hated her, and I knew I wanted this to happen." Zac answered back. Isaac gasped quietly and looked at his brother.
"Excuse me?" was all he managed to say through his shock.
"I was jealous, I wanted to be the one she wanted at her side..I wanted to be the one that made her feel better..okay? And when I pulled away, I knew I pulled it out of place.., but did I care? No. Did I know it was going to hurt her that bad? No. OKay?" Zac choked, and tightened his grip around his pillow, his knuckles white. Isaac looked at his brother with big sad eyes.
"You were in love with Amanda?" he asked. Zac didn't answer. "Zac? Answer me..were you or were you not in love with her?"
"Drop it..just drop it." Zac finally answered, a few minutes later. What was Zac suppose to say? He wasn't exactly in love, but yet he did wish Amanda loved him the way she did Taylor, he was jealous, and he..for once..realized he didn't want Alyson, not then, not now. She just couldn't give him what he wanted. It was just impossible to look past. Ike got off the bed, and kneeled by Zac.
"Zac! I need to know...its important!" he whispered. Zac snorted.
"Alright..whatever. Important enough that you'd run to Taylor and tell him what I said? I don't think so this time. I'm not stupid." he said, getting up and walking quickly out of the room. Isaac crouched, staring open-mouthed at his brother's exit. ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
I picked up the ringing phone, "Hello?" I asked, brushing away more tears. I don't think I've ever cried so much in my entire life!
"Desiere?" a cute male voice asked.
"Yep." I replied.
"It's Zac..I need someone to talk too..and Isaac won't listen- oh by the way, he thinks you hot- so can we talk?" Zac said quickly. I was blown away for a moment. I had Isaac calling me hot, Zac pleading for me as a crying shoulder, but..there was one Hanson missing. Taylor.
"Um, yeah sure. Whats worrying you?" I said, quickly snapping out of my crying stage.
"We can't talk now..I need to be face to face. Its important, and I'm at a pay phone down the street. Can I come over?" he asked. I looked toward my kitchen.
"Um,..Shane is here, but he's leaving when he finds his roller blades, so okay." I replied. Shane walked in the room, his blades hanging over his shoulder.
"Hey, instead of leaving, why don't we go catch a movie?" he asked, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. I covered the mouth piece tightly.
"Its Aunt,..Lucy, and she needs to bring by some important papers for my dad..and she's bringing me dinner." I lied. I hated lying, especially to Shane. He kissed my cheek.
"Okay..catch you tomorrow." he whispered in my ear, kissing it softly before he turned and left.
"Sorry, its all set, he's gone, make sure to come around the back." I said to Zac. He agreed, and we hung up. ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Zac covered his face, and his shoulder's shook softly. I knew he was holding back his sorrow. I leaned close and wrapped my arms around him. "It's alright..I promise." I whispered, my mouth on the side of his head. He turned and looked at me.
"Positive?" he whispered. That's two promises Desiere! Be careful, you could hurt one. My mind scolded. I pushed it away and smiled.
"I'm sure. Cross my heart," I drew an X cross my chest, "and sealed with a kiss." I kissed my fingers, and gave him a flirty smile. Alittle kiss wouldn't hurt?..would it? I asked myself, then instead of pressing my fingers to his lips, I held them to my heart. He smiled back.
"Thanks.." he looked directly into my eyes, "It's nice to know I have someone to turn too. I really can't thank you enough." he said. I laughed.
"C'mere." I said, bringing him into a hug. He laughed and then pulled away. "It's early..wanna go get somethin to eat?" I asked. Zac's eyes lit up, and a ear-to-ear grin fell across his face.
"Sure!" he said, waisting no time pulling me off my bed, and toward the door. I smiled as I got my keys and we walked toward my car. He is cute..but c'mon Des..he's just thirteen. Seriously..stick with Isaac. I told myself solemnly as I started the car, and pulled out of the driveway. ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Alyson dialed the number to Zac's house. No answer. "Are they still at the hospital?" she asked herself aloud. This is really sickening. I can't even see my boyfriend without him wanting to be with Amanda, and now this? Ugh! she told herself. Slamming down the phone, she leaned against the pay-phone. "When is he ever going to realize that Amanda doesn't want him..I do!?" she screamed, closing her eyes. Just then a never-gonna-fail plan came to mind. "That's it!" she whispered, turning on her heel and walking toward Zac's house. They may not be answering the phone, but they are home! She said to herself. ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
An hour later, I walked Zac into his bedroom, the one he shared with Mackenzie, Isaac and..Taylor. Ugh, don't think of him. Not now! I said to myself.
"I had a nice time, maybe next time you need to talk..we could go out for sundaes.." I joked. We just got back from Burger King, my personal favorite. Zac looked at me, and we sat, wordlessly, next to each other on Taylor's bed.
"Um.." Zac started, but I stopped him, pressing my two fingers to his lips.
"Shh..." I whispered. What the fudgeicles are you doing? My mind asked. "Quiet." I told him, bringing our lips together. We kissed for a few minutes, and I started to part my lips, preparing for hopefully a French-kiss. Zac parted his to, and when our tongues met-
"Surpris...." A brunette screamed, jumping out of their closet. Zac and I pulled apart, and we stared wide-eyed at this girl.
"Oh my god..Alyson." I gasped, jumping off the bed, reaching my arms toward her. She pulled from my grasp.
"Zac! How could you?" she screamed. Zac's face was white.
"I..I..Alyson.." he studdered, stepping forward, and touching her face. She slapped him away, looked at me, and then ran out of the room. "Alyson! Wait!" Zac called, running toward the door. Before he could quite reach the doorway, Alyson slammed the door in his face. He slammed his forehead against the door, and pounded on it with his fists. "Shit shit shit!" he groaned. I gulped and stepped to him, touching his shoulders.
"Zac?" I asked, turning him around. He silently faced me, and before I could realize what to actually say, my lips were connected to his again. I rolled my closed eyes in passion, and I cupped his face with my hands. Pulling away, breathlessly, I looked at him. "What do we do?" I gasped. He pushed afew strands of fallen hair behind my ear, and rested his hand just under my ear.
"I didn't love her.." he moaned softly, before kissing me again. This time, when I parted my lips, his tongue was my mouth faster than I could say 'please'. I turned myself around, and he pressed me up against the door. I broke from his lips, and bent my head back, enjoying the tingling left on my lips from his kiss. He pressed his lips down my face, over my neck, then back up, and rested softly on my ear. I moaned softly and kissed him on his shirt collar, as he pressed my head toward him. He's 13, your going to be 17 next month..what the hell are you foolin' around for? You can't take what you want from him..Isaac can give it to you..Zac's to young. My mind stated. Jerking my head, I pulled away from him.
"Zac...we can't. No..we can't." I told him, forcing myself to step away from him. He looked at me and nodded.
"Your right..I'm too young..your to old, it'll never work." he said. No! I fought back. Age ain't nothing but a number! I smiled.
"Fuck age." I whispered, taking him and kissing him again. ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Alyson ran down the street, and when she reached her back yard, she fell in the grass and cried. How could he do that? How could she do that? Desiere, my best friend..how could she betray me like that? she cried to herself. Lifting her head up, she looked down the street, expecting Zac to be chasing after her. Well..he wasn't. No one was. "That's it. It's over." she muttered, standing up, and walking toward a pay phone next to the bus stop a few blocks away. She slipped a few quarters into the slot, and dialed a number. "Dad? It's Alyson,...I'm coming home!" she cried, tears streaming her face. ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Taylor opened his eyes and stared into Amanda's face. "Amanda. Wake up..please?" he asked. It was a month and two weeks later. Each day he asks her that, and each day no response comes back. She was pale, and each day they say she is slipping further and further away. But! There is a chance she can wake up..she needs to be stimulated. Slowly, he touched her cheek. "C'mon." he pleaded. Remember last Christmas? Amanda asked, knowing, though he couldn't hear her. Wasn't that fun. I wish I could live that all over again! she said. Tay felt a weird feeling in his stomach and the smell of pine came to him. "Huh?" he asked. "What does that mean?" Christmas..remember Christmas? A voice said to him. Taylor's eyes shot to Amanda. "Your thinking of Christmas at a time like this?" he asked, his left eyebrow raised high. He felt like laughing, but his body wouldn't let him. "The cheesecake..I can just smell it." he whispered. Amanda heart was smiling, and she knew what Taylor was saying. I miss Christmas..I miss being me. Amanda sent through their connection. "Oh Amanda..don't say that.." Taylor retorted. For some reason he felt himself get sick to his stomach, and every muscle in his thin body ached. He leaned forward, picked up Amanda's pale hand, and kissed her fingertips softly. Her eyelids fluttered, and her fingers moved softly. "Amanda?" Taylor asked. "Amanda..are you there? Amanda?" he asked, shaking her hand softly. She lingered for a moment, and groaned. "Dr. Gallant. Dr. Gallant..come quick!" Taylor cried, not bothering to move his eyes from hers. Dr. Gallant came into the room.."Ready? Smile.." she joked. ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
I turned my gaze toward the ringing phone. "Zac..get it." I said. Zac shook his head.
"It's probably not Alyson...so what's the use?" he retorted. I snickered, kissed his forehead, and picked up the phone.
"Hanson residence." I said. Taylor smiled.
"Who is this?" he asked. I sighed.
"It's..Desiere." I told him. He sighed pathetically.
"Put Zac on..its important." Taylor retorted, his tone dead serious. Chill's ran up my spine as I handed the phone to Zac. He reluctantly took it.
"Yeah?" he asked. No matter how much many times he plasted a smile, or acted bubbly, I knew I did something wrong. Terribly wrong. I still hadn't told Shane yet..I don't think I intend too. Each day I've been lying, saying I have something really important to do..yet I'm sitting on a couch trying to warm up to Zac. I felt horrible, but I wasn't really sure how to fix it all.
"She woke up! She's out.." he trailed off. "She wants you to come down." Taylor whispered, his voice shallow and soft. Zac pondered a moment. Is he actually jealous? he asked himself.
"Oh. That's great..really it is." he replied. What was he suppose to say? Wow. Isn't that awesome. I'll be right down.. " I heard him say. Sighing, I watched him hang up the phone, and head toward the door.
"Are you coming or what?" I rolled my eyes when I blinked so he wouldn't see, and we exited the house and started toward the hospital. ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Amanda squinted weakly, and looked at Zac and I as we entered the room.
"Zac..." she whispered, her eyes meeting mine.
"Desiere." I told her. She nodded in spite, and reached a hand out to Zac. Taylor turned to me, rolling his eyes, as he grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the room. "What the hell?" I whined, wrestling from his grasp.
"They want to be alone..okay?" Taylor sniffled. I looked at his distant eyes, noticing he wasn't the slightest bit happy about being out here..with me. I rested my weight on my left foot, and crossed my arms.
"What is your problem? Taylor, god!" I said, my gaze intensifying. He looked at me, his eyes not meeting mine.
"Excuse me?" he asked, his voice soft and cool. I motioned my hand to him like I didn't care.
"Your being such a bitch,..I didn't do anything to you.." I said,. my voice raising. He shoved his hands in his pockets, and turned red as he looked away.
<---- go to: ----->
*ever lonely*
**Hand In Hand**