After years of writing and build-up of thoughts, I finally made the step to "talk". To actually seek out help from someone who knows more then I what to do. For a whole year I "talked", not telling everything, but figuring things out and trying to work things out, and my anxiety grew and subsided all at the same time. Needless to say this was the same year that the affair with *** occurred.

I had almost given up on myself, deciding I didn't want to pursue schooling any longer, and that my life with another person was basically impossible. I broke down one night. A phone conversation with *** turned ugly and I have not spoken to him since. That same night my fear anxiety came back, a combination of a scary movie I saw and the depression and pain I was going through with being alone.

Two weeks later I saw a doctor, a neurologist, whom I had made an appointment with a month before. He performed a general exam, looked me over, and told me my problem was not what I had thought. ADD runs in my family, and I assumed and had been told this was the cause of my problems. He said on the outside I looked perfectly healthy, but inside, physically and mentally, I was a mess. Duh! I just wanted to say... Then he told me something that changed my life. He sat me down and said I may not agree with him, and I could leave and never come back, but his ultimate diagnosis was OCD.

OCD, or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, is found in about one third of the adult American population in whatever form. The form which is most common is repetitive, washing, checking, counting, which I have hardly any problems. There are two other forms which are less common and overlooked, and for this reason I had a few months time to analyze myself, obsess over the possibilities! and come to the conclusion that I could just have some mild form. And then I discovered the other two, one is Responsibility Obsessing, for which you feel compelled to protect others, and the other is called Pure O. This is the obsessing without repetitive behaviors.

I've been researching, on my own, the forms of sexuality, love, and relationships that have occurred and are occurring throughout history. Love is an interesting subject, and I think about it often. I find myself desensitizing to it, just to escape it. But I have learned that Love is something with which I will always have a harder time than the "average" person. I found some great pages online which I want to share with otehrs, things that I think can help others understand themselves and people like me. It is because of my mental state that I carry things to the ultimate level and sometimes screw things up so badly. I want to apologize to all those I have hurt with my love and obsessing. I know I will never be forgiven totally for my actions, but I want them to understand, the love I have given, and the time I have spent trying to make things "right" and eventually killing all hopes of decent normality are not my fault alone. Yes, I did do them. I did hurt and push and cause pain. But it was because of this thing inside my head that wouldn't let me stop, that wouldn't let me be normal, that wouldn't let me let go until I fixed everything. So I am deeply and truly sorry. Hopefully, through the steps I am taking now, I can be more careful, and more aware, and most of all, let people know so that they can pull away before it is too late.

"Neurotics build castles in the sky, psychotics live in them, OCD'ers clean them, and psychiatrists collect the rent."

*I Think It Moved: The understanding and treatment of the obsessional doubt related to sexual orientation and relationship substantiation
*Guilt Beyond A Reasonable Doubt
*Thinking the Unthinkable
*Falling in love drives you mad
*Serotonin, OCD, and Love
*The brain in love: Science suggests we're neurologically wired to look for romance. But how to tell if it will last is another question.
*When People Become Obsessed With Other People
*Mensans and Their Obsessions (Humor)
*Love and Neurobiology: Not So Strange Bedfellows