9-19-01
one piece of paper, many lines of words, scattered and numbered for me to follow
1.i wonder
what mike 's doing
this weekend for his
birthday. i want to call
and i don't. i want to but
i know that he's going to
be upset in some way i suppose.
fear of teh unexpected unknown
keeps me from doing so. i guess
could call his cousin or talk to erin
but i feel like a traitor because i was the
reason this whole thing fell apart.
i wanted to run away. It was the
only thing i could do, but in running
away i commited a terrible unforgivable
sin to his heart...
i still want to call
maybe maybe not maybe
yes definitely i just want
him to be happy i just want
to know for sure.
2. and mina
sweet mina she
has the best
intentions but oh how
that bothers me it beats
me in the heaad over and over
and scares me so i doubt it will do as she says to make everything all better the
intimacy of the situation scares me. it's a world i haven't been part of in a long time and now that i'm more mature
and more sensitive i feel so different about it and so shy and just so scared
3.and of course then i think of how much
mike was so perfect, handsome in every way, fun, funny,
sociable, easy to
get along with,
caring and kind
and giving and understanding
and the most beautiful eyes
and lips and...
i miss all that but not the
fighting... the lonely distance and the fighting
between totally opposite strangers no longer in love with the present
4. i'm just not ready
and maybe i'm scared
that i might be,
or maybe i think i
am because my brain gets so soggy and
then when it gets up again
i realize what i've
done and forever
live in grief.
5. i know questioning
is bad and i am questioning
questioning everything but that
spark. i don't know where
it's coming from but it's there.
i keep thinking of all the things
that bother me and i wonder
why i'm still at this place
that i can't leave. is it in
his eyes? is it in his
tenderness? or is it
in me? what if
the only reasonn is
because i yearn
for comfort and
love and i have
found it and
even tho it's
wrong i
don't care
b/c it's
there...
6. stop questioning
he said
stop analyzing
he said
i will
i lied
please email me...
