I know I've lost you completely. So, lemme catch you up. You stopped writing me. I guess I could write you again, not through email cause I know it either never gets to you, or I'll get that same response. And anyway, I promised myself I wouldn't do it. Cause all I wanted was a letter, one letter, to say something besides "call me". And I didn't get it. And I can't go back on my word because that will do two "main" things. First of all, I'll be giving in. I need to stay strong through things, because when you say if something doesn't happen, you will do something, you have to do it. If you give in, the other person wins. Next of all, it'll show you how desperate I am. I'm not desperate, right? I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm turning into a psychopath. But I know I'm not crazy. Just like I told my friend, if you can't have something, it can become an obsession. Not obsession in the way people normally think. But you can't have an obsession over something you can have, because that just doesn't happen.

I just don't want to let you know, I suppose, how much I really miss you. And I also don't want to let myself, because that always happens, and I let it happen, and then I realize what a retarded thing I've done, and things happen, and then I feel bad.

Now I'm getting off the subject again. Ok, let's back up a bit, again... Ladidah...

You stopped writing, and that was perfectly fine with me. But then your friend, you know who that is.. he stopped writing too. And I really miss his company. It was like he was the only person I sort of knew who understood me. Gosh, I feel like I have no friends. I do, I have a few now. But none who really understand me. And there are some things that I can't tell my friends, things like... you for example. Now, he doesn't write very often, and I can understand that. I should be pretty busy too cause I have so much work to do...

But I forgot about you. I mean, I didn't forget, I just got over you. You weren't important anymore. It was like the mystery was solved, and I didn't have to wonder anymore.

And I had more important things to worry about, like school and money, and my job, and travel, and all kinds of things. And the guys. Why oh why??? Why do they always want to be more than friends? Why can't I find someone to be Friends with? Whenever I try to be friendly with a guy they always want more.

Always... I feel like shooting myself sometimes. I want to move to a place where guys don't exist. The less the better. Oh, and then there's the guy who wants to be my "friend" and give me his car, and money... And just wants to be friends, whatever. Maybe if I stay in my room for the rest of my life, and never go out...

Would be boring but then again I have done it. Well, the dreams have been coming back. And I wish they would leave. It must only mean that the problem is not solved. So does that mean that I have to forget entirely? Cause I don't think I can do that. What should I do? You tell me.

*sigh* Oh well... I guess it's all up to me =6

So I leave you with guilt and sadness and whatever emotions I wish I could get rid of. Hope you know the answer cause I sure as hell don't!

ME