I wonder if he's thinking about me. I wonder what he's thinking about me. I wonder if he doesn't care and now that he's thinking rationally he decided it was a mistake. I wonder if I wonder too much.

2 people in the same room
thinking separate thoughts
wondering about each other
wondering if the other is wondering
and thinking probably not

"LAST NIGHT. LAST NIGHT" (later that day)
last night I watched a movie. last night I kissed a boy.
last night I slept in the arms of another. last night I was happy.
last night I had a wonderful time i was so happy and I didn't
want it to end. this morning I woke with hand on my back, smile
on my face, long dark lashes covering deep dark eyes looking out
at me. happiness and peace and contentment and wonderment.

"Today"
today today is different
today i haven't heard a word not one single note
of what i thought was to be
but i'll keep on hoping
if not oh well move on be free
why do i always end up throwing myself into those
things headfirst and feet in the air?

I dreamed this morning right before i woke that *** drove up in his car how did he get it fixed so fast and said hi and i was happy until i opened my eyes and saw i was still in bed. Alone.

This morning I had a terrible dream which I woke from to find the comfort of his arms only providing temporary relief. I dreamed *** found someone else, another lover, to fill an empty spot in his life. I found myself alone, overlooking a beautiful meadow filled with mulling people, laughing and happy, and I was by myself. I also dreamed that because of this I ended up not only alone inside, but with another I could never love. It scared me so badly that when I woke I felt dispaired and ready to accept our last happy night together.

"later on... don't know when... but later on..."
trust your foreboding feelings. i opened this page to see what i had forgotten I had written, that which has become an alternate reality. I was thinking, why are dreams so painful? Physical dreams of life...
and dreams of night...
wasn't exactly like love ran off with another but love did run off. i watched a play... La Triumphe d'Amour. Love love love love
He was working there and afterwards we parted ways. I wasn't about to burden him with my presence. i was thinking wouldn't it be nice to play hard to get? maybe he just thinks it's too fast, too much. i don't know. i feel silly and foolish and weak. i do not want love, i desire pain. my soul thrives on the sh*t. i make pain for myselfd. i push myself to the edge and hang with bleeding fingers, I think I almost had a nervous breakdown two days ago. i need to let go, i need to slow down, i need to stop.
  i need to be alone in solitude and be.

I don't get boys. Boys... So here's what's up... Sooo ***. Well, I dunno. I decided to go visit. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I needed to because of last night and I was just depressed. It was nice, hanging out... We talked and joked and watched a movie and went back to my room and he left. Just good-bye, no hug, nada. It makes me all jumbled inside... all weird. *sigh*
If he really likes me so much then why doesn't he just let me know what's going on. He keeps hinting little things that are really sexual... and then nothin.
Well, after all this I'm just going to do exactly what he said... "fuck it" cut yourself off emotionally and ignore it, push it down... play hard to get, that's what I'll do. See how he likes that. whatever

I wrote a poem in class
"alone"
how could you not love
how could you?
how can you live
with love in the past
and none in the future?
it make no sense
for yes
you may be happy
now
but what about tomorrow
will you be happy then
alone and unattached
alone and love-less
alone and happy
alone

he loves me not
he is un-emotionally attached
he is emotionally un-attached
he has no emotion or attachment
he's a really good liar

i feel so stupid
i am too needy
don't analyze yourself
he says
don't analyze yourself
he said
don't analyze myself?
i ask
don't ask
he says
what? i ask what he says
and then he leaves
me alone. don't analyze
that...
i say to myself.
what?

i understand. i was unemotional
i was emotionally disconnected. but i
wasn't alone and i wasn't even happy.
i wanted out i wanted hapiness i wanted love
but obviously i will never find it because there
is noone who understands noone who shares
noone who knows noone who cares

GOODNIGHT KISS GOODNIGHT KISS
"GOODBYE" HE SAID
"DON'T GO" SHE SAID
"I MUST. IT'S LATE"
"NOT THAT LATE. PLEASE STAY"
"I CAN'T. I HAVE TO LEAVE"
"FINE. LEAVE"
"ALRIGHT. GOODBYE"
"DON'T I GET A GOODNIGHT HUG?"
"YES. OF COURSE"
"THAT'S ALL?
"DO YOU WANT A GOODNIGHT KISS AS WELL?"
"MAYBE"
"FINE. ONE KISS"
THAT'S ALL?"
"LET ME PULL YOU INTO THE SHADOWS. THREE MORE KISSES."
"THANK YOU. THANK YOU"
"GOODNIGHT. GOODNIGHT"

Sharon's friends were maybe going out last night. They didn't but I thought it would be nice. My roommate said she was going too. Sooo I decided to call ***. He came over and we finally left at ten to twelve. We went to Scandal's and I had 2 beers and we looked through the karaoke book and talked and joked and ended up sitting in a booth together, just cuddling. It was nice, being there with someone, not feeling lonely and enjoying the night.
*** wanted to go early, around two, so we left and went back to my room and talked about silly things and school. He's such a child, in the way he speaks when he's being silly. It's odd but it really doesn't bother me all that much; sometimes it's kind of cute. He's so pretty, so handsome... his eyes, his hair, the way he smiles. He has beautiful eyes, dark thick lashes and a smile that dimples them. And he's so reactive. He's very touchy in flirtation and talk. I love the way he touches, running his fingers back and forth, lower, higher, closer, closer. Passion, that's what I feel in his smile and eyes and touch. I can feel a passion holding its reins back, struggling to stay tame, not knowing exactly how to exist in the real world. It's a passion that seems sooo... naive, so new and innocent, as if he's never used it before and isn't sure what to do with it.
I can tame it, I want to tame it, I want to mold it and play with it and push it around. I can tell he's so shy... the way he kisses, it's so innocent and unexperienced, searching. But his hands are playful. His hands are gentle but overpowering at times. He wants to use them, to take control... and I, I am going to show him the way.

I AM A GIRL
I AM AN ARTIST
I AM TOTALLY IN TOUCH WITH MY MOST INNER SOUL
I CANNOT LIE TO MYSELF
I CANNOT HIDE FROM MYSELF
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO CUT THIS CHAIN
TO SLASH AND DESTROY THE BOND WHICH HOLDS ME TOGETHER?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO DENY THE ONLY THING WHICH I AM MADE UP OF?
MY EMOTIONS ARE WHO I AM, WHERE I AM, WHAT I SEE, HOW I FEEL,
WHERE I GO, WHAT I SAY, WHO I LOVE AND CARE FOR
MY EMOTIONS ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF MY LIFE
WITHOUT THEM I WOULD NOT EXIST
TO CUT THEM FROM ME WOULD BE LIKE PULLING A BABE
SUCKLING AT HIS MOTHER'S BREAST AWAY FROM HER.
TO DO THIS WOULD BE TO MURDER ME
I WOULD DIE
SO I SHALL DIE
BUT NOT IN THAT WAY
IN THE WAY WHICH ONLY I KNOW HOW
THE ONLY WAY I CAN IS TO CUT MYSELF FROM YOU
FROM LOVE, FROM LUST, FROM LIFE AROUND ME
MY EMOTIONS MY SPIRIT SHALL BE MY ONLY FRIEND
THEY WILL CONSOLE ME WHEN YOU CANNOT
MY EMOTIONS GUIDED ME THROUGH EVERY HARD TIME IN MY LIFE
AND NOW SO THEY SHALL... GUIDE ME LOVE ME CRY WITH ME
CONSOLE ME
LOVE ME   FOR YOU CAN NOT----

I have a tangle inside me. A long weaving tangle that seems to have no end at some times, and at others there are many which I can grasp and feel and hold in my fist tight and strong and peacefully. I drive myself crazy searching through the tangle for an end, my fingers raw and numb and even bleeding. My stomach hurts and there's a choking fluttery feeling in my throat, in my chest.
And sometimes when I find that end, my hands feel better and I forget the pain. Maybe the pain is gone; maybe the pain is hidden by the happiness I feel. All I know is it feels good and I am happy and everything is perfect. Fleeting... but perfect.
eyes ears stroke strong arms kiss smooth stomach mouth breathe peaceful soft hair caress profile caring beautiful lips graceful funny unashamed strong joyful touch pleasant proud soft lovely tingle funny smile beautiful sexy happy peaceful smile true

Had a talk last night with Jeff. I know, I know. I know he's right. It's so very obvios. But I'm trying to make this work and it's obvious that it never will. Knowing me I will keep pushing until I totally exhaust myself. But I've made up my mind. I have all those drawing projects and two final projects for other classes. I need to concentrate on my classes because I promised myself I'd get good grades. I've been really bad the last month about paying attention and doing work.
And yes, Jeff is right. He's afraid. He's afraid of commitment, afraid of giving away his cozy comfortable life of one big schedule. It's not really his fault. I don't blame him for acting the way he does. I can see now exactly why he's been acting that way. I feel sorry for pushing him so hard. I thought he was being stubborn. I thought he was unfeeling or didn't care. Now I realize... and I've come to a conclusion. I can be his friend. I can be everything to him but what he wants me to be, unless he decides to be courageous and grow up, accept responsibility for his feelings. I can only be his friend and never ever give of myself, not even the slightest bit, unless he decides that his happiness is more than security and wants to be serious.
Until I hear those words, the ones I don't think he'll ever say, I can only be his friend. Nothing less, but nothing more.

See, now I can be free. I've made a decision that puts me at a point. Before I was wavering back and forth and didn't have a place. I kept going back, kept trying so hard, because I had no standpoint. It's like the shirt sleeve and the elbow. No farther than that. So I cannot pass the marker I set for myself. I am stable. And so must he be.

I have to stop writing
I wrote
why do paradoxes always occur
at the weirdest times
maybe that's why they are
maybe that's what they are
paradox with great timing
I don't think that exists
you have awful timing
you are my personal paradox

If I promised you the world, would you hand it back to me? If I said
you were my everything and I would die for you, would you talk about the
news? If I held out my arms and laid my soul, my whole being, and my
body down for you, would you walk away? Is there anything I would not do
for you that you would appreciate and not take for granted? Can I make
you stay? Can I kiss away your tears? Can I touch not your body but
that spot under the shell, through the wall, in the depths of your
shadowed heart? What can I do to finally say... I think I love you.

*endnote* life is weird, life is difficult, life is confusing. but all in all you lose your way and then you return. i had lost my way but i am slowly finding it. love and like and life and everything is ever changing and always always an experience you never forget. it's something you have to cherish and protect and learn from but move on. never give up hope in life and in others, never give up hope in yourself, but move on. "significant others" may come and go but family and friends are forever...