I sat in my room thinking about what I was going to do. I had no idea what I was going to do about school. I was worried about my money, and all the bills. I started to think about my personal relationships: my family, my friends, my boyfriend. I didn't know where they were heading, and I didn't think I cared very much. I also was worried about all the things I always forgot about, and what would ever happen if I actually remembered.

The past few weeks had begun to catch up on me. I never really worried or cared too much about things that happened, but right now the cold I had, the lack of sleep and food because of finals, and the snow sledding/ fight was really beginning to catch up on me. I thought of how I had been growing a lot closer to people, for the first time in my life, and how it had been me that was doing it.

I realized that I had always been the last to make a move, always the one to wait for the other to befriend me. And it was actually working! I had friends, people that were so like me, yet so individual at the same time. It half scared me, but at the same time I was content. I found I could get along with others who would accept me, and that it was because of the fact that I, me, had done it. And it made me proud of myself.

But there was the fact that others who knew me, including my boyfriend, wouldn't understand. They wanted me to stay away from people like that. Especially people like that. I wanted so badly to have friends, but I was getting very close to these people, too close for some. It didn't bother me at all. I was totally comfortable with it, but when I thought of how I was supposed to explain my newfound friendship to the others, I cringed.

There was no possible way. I had to hide it. I didn't want to lie, but I couldn't spend the rest of my life locked away in my room, totally insensitive to my feelings.

And, when I thought about it, it made sense. Why should I have to do what everyone else wants. So I want to be able to talk to people, meet others who can share feelings, stories, and everything else. I am NOT a robot or doll to drag around and be told what I should do because everyone else is like that. I should do what I feel is right for me, and that is okay. It's not a sin.

I really feel a lot better when I talk about things. I could never imagine hiding my feelings totally. Yes, I have thought that it isn't right to talk about others badly, but then again, I am allowed to be mad, or sad or anything else. And not talking about it would be wrong in a way. It's how I cope. If they don't like it, then I don't care. They'll have to deal with it. Maybe I seem like I've changed in the past few years, but I haven't. How much of myself I've revealed to people has certainly changed. And my self-confidence has majorly improved. I am no longer scared to talk to people. And I am going to do what is me, not what I want people to see anymore. Because if someday I slip up, or change, I don't want people to look at it badly. I want people to know the true me. If they don't like the way I am, it's too hard to pretend I'm someone else. And I don't want to know people who like someone that I'm not, because then they're not really a friend.

I'm happy. Not totally happy with all the situations, but happy about the ones that count. The ones that will make a difference in the rest of my life.