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| Fake News ______________________________ 08/10/02 ------------------- Stone Cold to return to wrestling? When asked for comment Austin simply replied that he'll stick to shoot fighting. Debra added, "Hopefully the big tough rattlesnake can stay sober long enough to find a tougher opponent than me." ______________________________ 05/17/02 ------------------- Storm coming... WWE has recently signed Crowbar AKA Devon Storm. He will tag with Lance Storm as "The Storms" and they may be accompanied by Halle Berry at PPVs. Eddie Guerrero in street fight? A drunken Eddie was recently proved as a positive backstage influence when he got into a shoot with several six year old girls who had stolen Jeff Hardy's Raggedy Anne. Jeff was so grateful he wouldn't let Eddie drive home in his condition and insisted he spend the night. The Rock to leave wrestling? When asked for comment Don Murraco said "I ain't goin anywhere baby!" Jake Roberts backstage at Raw Jake the Snake himself was backstage at last week's Raw. Apparently he had held his road map upside down and ended up there instead of the YMCA he was scheduled to work at. Security failed to throw him out as they thought he was really (a scheduled to make a surprise return) Scott Hall with a bad wig and a few beachballs under his shirt. Triple H to let Jericho go over cleanly in Hell in a Cell match. In other news Hell has frozen over. ____________________________________________ 04/26/02 ------------------- WWF Stars starring in movies Based on the success of the 'Scorpion King', Jeff Hardy is already been slated to star in the Movie adaptation of 'Will and Grace' as, you guessed it, Grace. The never seen husband of Grace's bets friend will be played by the Rock, who said quote 'I'm making TEN MILLION for a movie called Hellorado. TEN MILLION. This cameo role will prep me for my role of never being seen in the WWF again because I am doing coke with Charlie Sheen and fucking J Lo on the set of the latest Scorpion King sequel. God Bless America and fuck trying to pull a good match out of Hogan, HHH, Undertaker, or Randy Savage when they sign him just cause the tubby kid from 'The Cider House Rules' kicked his ass in the new Spider-Man movie." Bruce Hart is a no go. The WWF has recently stopped talks with Bruce Hart after discovering his name ended with U-C-E and not E-T. When asked for comment Bret said "Damn you Vince!", Vince said "Bret screwed Bret", Shawn Michaels said "Bret screwed Sunny", and the Gobbledy Gooker said he "Just wants to be loved." Jerry Flynn to join WWF. When asked if they had mistekenly hired Flynn instead of Jerry Lynn JR said, reportedly:"No Flynn can kick a lot as his only mean of offense which means he knows only a few less moves than HHH. A big push could be in store for Flynn if he can manage to wrestle as boringly as fellow main eventers Hogan, Austin, HHH, and Undertaker. If we wanted 'wrestlers' we'd hire them by Gawd. Look for Albert and Test to get big pushes in the future while Lance Storm shall hold down the fort on Jakked." HHH suffers slight injury at house show. HHH has suffered a slight injury at a WWF House Show. The injury didn't occur in the ring however, it happened when HHH paused backstage in a media room and tried to watch his match with Hogan from Backlash. Hunter fell asleep and flopped forward stiff as a board. Fortunately his nose broke his fall and he suffered only a minor concussion. "I tried to warn him brother, that crap is brutal to sit through. Whatcha gonna do when I do that with Undertaker? Watch WWA? HA!" said lost geriatric holding the world title. ____________________________________________ 03/24/02 ---------------- Matt Hardy is reportedly in talks with Vince about getting a release.....says the XWF is where the big guns are. "Hell if Lawler's little shit made main event maybe me too!" quoted Matt before telling Jeff whether his eye shadow was him or not. Lodi/La Parka/Hayabusa to Main Event summerslam.... bitter virgin smarts are reportedly REALLY looking forward to creaming their pants over the match. "I'm already precumming over this," says jackass in 'Flying Space Tiger Drop' shirt. According to Rico Constantino's sister's ex dog walker's alleged son, Hogan will wrestle until he dies of age at 112, then he'll continue doing it in ghost form (and people will still sell his backrake). This will continue until the day Jesus returns to earth.' "I'm really psyched about working with Jesus Brutha," Hogan said, failing to remind us that the son of God will job to Roman Soldiers but Steve Austin can't lose to Scott Hall AND Kevin Nash. Tony Schiavone has ripped on the announcing team for not talking about the main event incessantly, and not having his drive. When told he did the exact same stuff, he replied 'we're out of time folks' Several WWF stars to appear on the weakest link.... Funaki, Brooklyn Brawler, Crash Holly, Tazz, Spike Dudley, Al Snow, Maven and Goldust... when told of the guests, Anne Robinson replied 'Oh yeah, that's ratings. We may as well have jim belushi and joan rivers... now that's ratings.... GOODBYE!' Vince McMahon reportedly added that if Anne Robinson was as tall as Regis she'd draw more money. _____________________ 03/17/02 ------------- Anonymous Smarktown recapper says:'I'm as motivated to do an excess report as Nash was to do a match in WCW'. Nash replies, 'Hey! Thunder was sometimes as good as Excess, if not better!' When asked about Oz there was a very long, very awkward silence. Stevie Ray to debut on Raw... Stevie Ray recently told very reliable sources that he will return soon, entering the WWF. Quote "LOOK SUCKA! Arby's is gonna fire my ass and Wendy's just hired Rick Steiner and Brian Lawler so I NEEEDS to find a job." There is reportedly backstage heat between Jeff Hardy and Lita, over a bottle of rainbow dye. Sources say they are not speaking. Asked for comment Jeff reprtedly responded by suggesting we talk to the hand. Natural Disasters to return to fight Rikishi and Albert for 3 cases of Stacker 2. "I think this is'll be more over than the Oddities!" said John Tenta as he ate his last Cartman doll for sustenance. Francine and Beulah to appear at King of the Ring! Reportedly Heyman has decided to relive another ECW angle in WWF with him at the helm. However due to Stephanie's influence Crash Holly will reportedly play the Raven role while Austin take son the part as dreamer. Francine will play her own role and Steph will step into Beluh's role, with Beluh playing Sign Guy. Montreal wasn't a shoot, Bret reveals all in latest Calgary Sun Column! Hints at a WWF return... Has sights set on HHH and Funaki. I think after looking at the way they've treated Hall and Nash I'll finally get some respect. I look forward to wrestling Funaki, because while I've not watched the WWF myself for quite some time, Vince has assured me he's been on the edge of an IC push for months now. And yeah that whole "YOU DISHONORED MY FAMILY THING" was a work, excuse me while I go buy a few small islands. excerpt from column. for your brief inane up to date wrestling news, read Moki Meltzer (source) and Wied Ryder (cub reporter) | ||
