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"As an adult people are always telling me to watch my mouth because I’m going to get my ass kicked but I got through all that as a kid. I was real loudmouth and on a couple of occasions I learned the error of my ways. So I might do a strip called 'How to get your ass kicked in three easy lessons'"
I AM HIDING UNDER YOUR BED WITH ATOASTEREvan Dorkin, creator of Eltingville. And if you missed that show even after I DEMANDED you watch it you should know you missed the first cartoon to ever incorporate an 'ECW' chant into the show. To read the whole interview click HERE Hey, I'm back. As if you care. And I brought friends again. This time we got some new faces stepping up as some of the old crew didn't have time to write this week. I also added Johnny's Notes which are in red and the Overall take which is kinda like the Final take of the Final takes. We are... Steve S. FirePro: friend who started watching b/c we used to play SmackDown all the time. The Green Smark. {The Franchise 2.5} Cliff Young: a fan that will enjoy a good product. The Silver Smarker. Zak Blak: watches wrestling for the technical mastery of the Dean Malenkos, and the storytelling of the Ric Flairs. The Black Smark. Skittles Slayer:Um.. Skittles gave more than a sentence so here is her biography in her words (in pink) only slightly edited. My first favourite was Bret "The Hitman" Hart. The guy was un-fucking-believable. Other favourites of an 8 year old girl with an obsession were Shawn Michaels, HHH, and Owen Hart. When Shannon Moore debuted in WCW I immediately became a huge fan. Shane Helms is the next Shawn Michaels. I'm a mark for Jeff Hardy. I'll admit it. Long live EC f'n W. Steve Corino forever. That being said she's also a female. A rather comely lass at that but I didn't say that. She's the Orange Smark. Monty Roberts:THE old school smark of the world and #1 Jake the Snake fan. No rehab jokes please. The Gold Smark. And me. Angry Johnny:Chronic wrestling fan condition with no cure in sight (not even 6 months of Invasion). The Red Smark. Together we are a ragtag collection of super powered opinions and odd senses of humor. We are the Mighty Mutant Power Smarks. Don't think these are just an exercise in agreeing, that we just all wanna bitch about the same things because we (again) ended with some surprising answers to my questions. READY? IT'S SMARKIN TIME! Let's start out off with my personal definition of what we are often called. smark: noun, the halfway point between A. smart (one who believes they alone are right) and B. mark (1.one who buys everything Vince sells literally and figuratively; 2.a loyalist to a something. Examples: Lodi mark, hardcore match mark, powerbomb mark) In other words, jaded but not too bitter to stick with it. Today class, we'll be discussing second chances. Certain performers disappeared for a certain amount of time and are now back. We're certain of that. What I want to know is, what do you think about these guys and if you were the booker what would you do with them? --------------------- First up:Goldust -------------- Cliff's take Get rid of Perfect and Goldust. Yes, it brought back memories, but their time is LONG gone. Perfect can still work a good match when motivated, as can Dustin at times, but neither are motivated at all. Plus, there are better, younger, and more marketable workers already under WWF contracts (developmental included) that would make more sense to push. OVW and HWA workers such as EZ Money, The Machine, Queen Victoria, Jamie Knoble, and Shannon Moore could make the shows a lot more interesting, especially in tag matches. Smark Ass Comment about pushing younger talent #2 --------------- Johnny's take You'll never forget the promos of.... Goldust. Ringwork, eh. At least he can talk. With the flux of newcomers who can't wrestle OR talk (Test, Albert, I'm looking in your direction...) you have to appreciate his mic work. If motivated he can bust out a two and a half star match. Which is by my count two full stars above Jacobs and Wight and they've both held the world title. -------------- Monty's take Goldust can still be used, believe it or not. The hardcore division doesn't suit him though. Hell, does it suit anyone. I think a continuity feud with RVD would be good, for one he's very over, and despite some reports, their match at No Way Out was solid. Other than that, I'd put him back in the IC title hunt. He'd work well with guys like Storm, Venis, Edge, and such. Push comment #2 -------------------- Skittle's take Fuck him. He hasn't been the same since he returned, it's like his heart isn't in it anymore. Throw him in an angle with Val Venis. --------------------- Zak's take Gooooldussst! Man, was it smart to bring this guy back or what?! His match w/ RVD at NWO was definitely the highlight of the show. He's shown he can use some real psychology in a match usually dominated by high spots. To me, that feud w/ RVD should have lasted a lot longer than it did. It had the great beginnings classic feuds have. The "star" is trying to bring down the "rising star." It made so much damn sense that the WWF just had to trash it.Cause anything that has made sense as of late has been trashed. Go figure. One other guy I'm dying to see back is Kanyon. Man, nobody is better than Kanyon, and this guy more than deserves a good run soon. He honestly has some great face appeal, a great catch phrase, and he can go in the ring. He just needs a strong heel to get him going...and who better than Angle to work with Kanyon?? Just a thought. Younger guy push comment #3 and we're still on the first topic. ---------------------- Steve's take Entrance is cool (just because it does that letter box thing). Don't really like him. A bit disturbing and gay. Goldust vs Kane (or Michael Cole) have Goldust do his groin shot like 100 times in the match. ------------------- Final take Some of us missed him, some didn't. Zak seems to be the sole guy thinking he's a solid wrestler while Monty and I like him to an extent. And the rest say... fuck him. ____________________ Second up:Val Venis -------------- Cliff's take I like the approach of the lady's man for him, and his finisher, that modified NagataLock/Sharpshooter thingy, is badass. With a quality opponent, Val could deliver a ****, maybe *****, encounter. Venis will probably never make it to the main-event, with more energetic and more over wrestlers around him all the time, but he will be a solid mid-carder as long as he wrestles. ------------------- Johnny's take HWA meet Val. We'll bring him in Jakked or Heat every now and then to job and do his shtick and sell some T Shirts or draw crowds when the WWF's on the west coast. -------------- Monty's take Solid worker, but how much longer is being a poor man's Rick Rude going to be over? He needs to be repackaged, like he was supposed to be, and be placed in the IC title hunt as well. ---------------- Skittle's take Angle with Goldust. She's either referring to her above remarks or add a goat and she's describing one of Eric S's masturbation fantasies. ---------------- Zak's take Val looks like he's doing the Ravishing Rick Rude gimmick with some success. This gimmick was great when it first went over, and maybe if they gave Val some actual TV time that we watched (don't you dare say Jakked) it'd fly. But to pull this gimmick off right he needs his Jake the Snake. His psychological face (or even heel) to work with him. So therefore when he gets the plant out of the crowd and she refuses to kiss him cause she's taken, I'd have Raven come out. She'd be his wife/girlfriend and we could have an interesting rehash of an old feud. And I'm talking about evil Raven. Tommy vs. Raven Raven. Not the kilt wearing one. "REAL MEN WEAR KILTS" Scrooge McDuck --------------------- Steve's take "I have a Heart-on". Classic dick joke. House shows. ------------------ Final take Half don't like him. Half think he's a ring general. And Zak wants WWF to dig up ANOTHER ECW angle. Christ they already botched the Beulah pregnancy. A whole topic without references to pushing anybody? WOWZA! ____________________ Third up:The Hardyz (not Team Xtreme because I hate Lita's ring presence and will not acknowledge her) -------------- Cliff's take They need a heel turn, or at least a new form of development with their characters. Wait...do they even HAVE characters? They seem to be solidifying themselves as wrestlers recently, hitting the high spots when necessary, and maybe they'll blend the spot and mat-style that both work well, Jeff with the spots and Matt with the mat (no pun intended), so that they can one day have a good match against each other again (like on SmackDown in 2000, not at Vengeance). --------------- Johnny's take Can't cut promos. Spots are old. Send em down to HWA to straighten out then bring em back to feud as heels with the Island Boyz or Lodi & Lenny who will have been brought in by the time they get back. And yeah, that's Smark Ass push comment #4. -------------- Monty's take They need to be kept in the tag division. As stale as the mighty finger gun toting, uruuuughhh saying twist of fate givin' trio are, they're actually a legit team and not a poorly construed team, ala Billy and Chuck. Not much more that can be done, seeing how their split was as efficient as a Billy Gunn gimmick. Who else misses O'Haire? Hello? Shut up. ----------------- Skittle's take Make one of them a heel dammit! I hate tweeners and the last time they tried to separate them Matt came out as the tweener. Make it a really bitter feud with ladder matches, not regular matches, because, face it, the match they had at the PPV was horrible. ---------------- Zak's take *cricket sounds* This means he didn't send anything in --------------- Steve's take They're back together for no reason, other then all the marks were mad. Tag Team Jobbers, that's right. Just a Tag Team to get their asses kicked, and no Lita at ring side. ---------------- Final take Welcome to Johnny's what'll it be? 2 heel turns, a split, and a losing streak. Gotcha. _______________________ Fourth up:The Godfather -------------- Cliff's take Can his ass. 'Nuff said~! -------------------------- Johnny's take See my comments on Val. But 1st job him cleanly to Storm. Five or six times. Escort train my ass. -------------- Monty's take Godfather. Now his 'business' is now escorts. Wow, what a stretch. Wishful thinking for the Papa Shango gimmick to be rehashed... -------------- Skittle's take Get rid of him. ------------------ Zak's take Val Venis, Godfather, Mr...Perfect and Goldust. Not a bad choice in the running there, but Godfather?? I mean really. This sucks. I've been hearing about his "playa" gimmick for years coming now and I don't care. Wouldn't this tired gimmick be better off dead? Then we could have some time for a guy like Hugh Morrus. Maybe then they could reignite the old Morrus/Storm feud from WCW that was actually pretty good to watch for awhile there. Smark ass push comment #5. ----------------- Steve's take Who?... Um, prostitution, I mean escort services are OK, but Satanism isn't? If I were booker I would have him come out(once in a blue moon), with his hos, and have him get his ass kicked like in 30 seconds. Although I don't really want to hear the king yell stuff like "puppies" and that other crap he yells. ------------------- Final take Once again Steve demands a jobber. I demand a demotion. And everybody else votes to let him wrestle in the Wilmington Elementary gym with Road Dogg. ____________________ Fifth up:Mr... Perfect -------------- Cliff's take His opinion on Perfect is already up there with his opinion on Goldust. Or should I say down there? ---------------- Johnny's take THE MAN. Screw crowd reaction from the back rows. The close up guys were whistling and cheering during his match with Austin. And how much did those guys pay? That's right, more than people who showed up to scream "WHAT". Master of technical wrestling. MASTER. This is the one guy (besides DiBiase-FUCK YOU HONKY TONK MAN) who was robbed of being top guy more than anyone else. nWo shirt:$17 chess set:$5 at Dollar General Cheap cocktail at WWF NY:approximately $40 and your first born. Gum slap WHILE being eliminated from Royal Rumble:Priceless. Push comment #6. -------------- Monty's take Belongs in the main event scene. I am a huge Perfect mark and seeing him working with the top stars would be fitting, he is more than deserving, and of course is after all, Perfect. The gum slap owns you. Push comment #7. ---------------- Skittle's take Heh, no idea. ------------------- Zak's take And then there was Perfect. I'm jazzed every time I see him in the ring. His match with Austin last week was fun to watch, and he's proved he can still go. If it were up to me, I'd keep this underlying feud with Austin going and have it explode after Wrestlemania. In the meanwhile he'd be great working a program with a few of the younger faces like the Hurricane. "Its Mr...Perfect vs. The Hurricane in a battle of the super powers!!" I think that'd be a more than fun feud.Push comment #7. ---------------- Steve's take He may not look "Perfect" but he is as close as they come. More camera time, he's funny, and have him win matches. Smark ass push comment #8. Only 8, not bad for a column this size. ----------------- Final take Cliff is most jaded, the female has no decision (big surprise? heh I can SMELL the hate mail if any females besides Skittle's read this), and the rest of the smarks are cheering so loud we should call him Jericho circa 1998. ____________________ OVERALL TAKE Maybe not everyone deserves a second chance. The Hardyz have earned their place. Goldust is still working for his. Venis and Wright are struggling to stay afloat. Hennig won't make it to the top of the card but these guys pay more than the WWA which is PERFECT for him. Some people might deserve a second chance. But Greenberg DEFINITELY doesn't. ---------------------------- Fizzarewell from Johnny Thanks for reading. Next week we take on... Austin. And Rock. Watch the blood flow. Plus who knows who'll have to step in because someone didn't reply. All I can say is listen to the Radio... Special thanks to dfallan from Wienerville and Gyruff Smith for the feedback on previous columns. Special thanks to Biggoatee for getting me the lost ep of The Rick. Many thanks go out to my comrades but they better stick to the damn number format when replying in the future. Peace. | ||
