What happened to the content? Long story short, Perfect died, I din't feel like putting wrestling content up. Then I got swamped with homework. Then ANGELFIRE lost my fucking business as of April or sooner by pissing me off. Moki and Standly both have articles I haven't got up as of 02/22/03. And thanks for posting your predictions on Bolt... a simple "Hurry the fuck up" e-mail would've done fine. And we've had 2 new strips despite article death.
Well, it seems we all took a simultaneous, unplanned break from the site. But, it’s not permanent. We’re back, and we’re ready for Sunday night’s No Mercy Pay Per View. With this month’s round of predictions, we have Tabie and myself, and perhaps Johnny will continue his Shannon Moore-like winning streak on predictions this month! (Johnny, you may have been right on that Reality Check, but your predictions could use a few more Mattributes, and just a little more Mattitude.)Well maybe I could HAVE Mattitude if I had a fucking UPN and hadn't stopped watching mostly after losing SmackDown.
As for me, I should be barred from using box cutters for awhile. The results of my use of a utility knife yesterday were four Novocain shots, six stitches in my pinky finger, and a tetanus shot. Oh, don’t forget the extreme pain I’m in, plus the fact that I can’t type worth a damn right now. Yes, yes, I am my own worst enemy.
Anyway, it’s time to get on with THE PREDICTIONS:
Undertaker vs The Big Show
Alan says: Last month, we had Torrie vs Dawn Marie as the match of the night, this month we have this. I consider this match, wherever it comes in the card, to be a good time for a bathroom break. All things considered, though, Undertaker’s been using the tombstone again. If ever there was an opportunity to make himself look like a champ again, a tombstone on Big Show would be it. Big Show needs to get his fat, lazy ass out of the spotlight, so I’ll pick the lesser of two evils, if you will. Winner: Undertaker
Tabie says: What the hell is up with Big Slow’s games? Taker won’t put up with head games like this for very long. I’m personally not digging either one of these guys, unless Taker goes back to the Deadman gimmick for a last run…but the only way Show’s gonna take him down is to attack him from behind, and I don’t think that will be the case in this matchup. No more packages, no more games, Taker’s about to show Big Show who’s yard he’s in. Winner: Undertaker
Taker needs someone to job for him at WM. Taker jobs here screwy, and gets the clean pin at WM to continue the streak that Arn Anderson's spinebuster should've ended.
Jeff Hardy vs Chris Jericho
Alan says: Poor Test, poor Stacy. Ignoring the requests of WWE management and chilling in Baltimore, instead of getting to Columbus early for Raw. Then they no-show the event because of a simple 1 ½ feet of snow? Terrible, I tell you…just terrible. Appalling behavior. So, the match between Test and Jericho disappears. Who will the replace Test for Jericho’s PPV match? The icon of attendance, Jeff “White Rabbit” Hardy, who is usually too lit up to find the arena on time. However, I’ve been noticing a resurgence in Hardy’s style lately. Awhile ago, I noted that Jeff seemed to have “lost his smile” a la Shawn Michaels’ retirement. He seems to have found it again, and I can stand before you as a smark and tell you that I do like his entrance and his wrestling style. However, I don’t see him prevailing in this “alternate” form of getting into a PPV match. Jericho’s lost most of his heat already, jobbing him to Jeff would kill anything he has left. Winner: Chris Jericho
Tabie says: I believe that if plans had went forth with the Test/Jericho matchup, Test would have found the payoff for the chairshot to Stacy. However, plans have changed, and I think Jericho should be happy with the results. I see Jericho delivering a Reality Check (note to Johnny: she doesn’t know you’ve trademarked that phrase-Alan) to Jeff Hardy, who is running around like a madman, beating on whoever he wants to right now. Winner: Chris Jericho
Jericho. I'd make a joke about Jeff but I can pretty much say "Trainspotting" and leave it at that.
Kidman © vs Mattitude Cruiserweight Title Match
Alan says: While I could see Matt win the title, then gain 5 pounds so he can’t defend it, I hope that WWE will go with a more logical conclusion and continue this feud, using it to establish some sort of babyface character for Kidman. The crowds are starting to pop bigger for him with virtually no established gimmick, and Matt could be the one to put Kidman over for another month or two, before finally prevailing and beginning a title reign using his weight as the angle to keep him over. Hopefully, WWE sees the legitimacy Kidman gave the WCW cruiser title during his long reigns and keeps the Shooting Star Press as the golden move in the cruiser division. Winner: Billy Kidman
Tabie says: Kidman is awesome, very talented…and he deserves to hold onto the belt, BUT Matt’s new weight-loss angle makes the future look grim for Kidman. This push may be enough to go right over Kidman, and maybe Shannon will get another naked hug from Matt after the match. Let’s hope the censors are working properly for this one. Winner: Matt Hardy, version 1.0
No one cares because they'd both job to Albert because he's tall, therefore he draws. And people want split PPVs! JESUS SHIT is Vince in touch with his audience. And Kidman's fucking cardboard. Give me Mysterio and give Kidman a ticket to the X Division and off my radar. Kidman wins or something.
Kane and Rob Van Dam vs William Regal and Lance Storm © Tag Team Title Match
Alan says: They lost to Booker and Goldust, and they won them back in a week. They lost to the Dudley Boyz, and they had them back the next night. There’s a right way and a wrong way to get heel heat for your tag champs, and this is the wrong way. As a smark, I say it cheapens the titles. As a mark, it freakin’ annoys me. If Regal’s workrate would find it’s way back to him, perhaps they could put on a decent match to help the gold on the titles shine a little brighter. Simply put, I’m bored with these two, and to me, they are the Triple H of the tag division. Kane and RVD are way over, and it’s time for them to take the UnAmericans apart. It would be nice to have at least one major title on a babyface for a change. Winners: Kane and Rob Van Dam
Tabie says: How long have these two had the titles now? How many title reigns have they had due to the occasional momentary losses they’ve had, only to recover within a week? The titles are overdue for a change, and not another temporary one. Kane’s riding out the wave of popularity he started years ago, and RVD is just beginning to catch one of his own. They are the perfect combination of serious and funny, intense and loose, strong and fast…and they should easily surf their way to the tag titles. Winners: Kane and Rob Van Dam
Fuck this too. The HHH Kiss My Ass Club and Storm go over because RVD and Kane will probably fight each other at Wrestlemania. It's a PRIDE issue after losing tag title matches they didn't want in a team neither is sure their reasons for being in.
Triple H © vs Scott Steiner World Title Match
Alan says: For the sake of Allah, lose the damn title already, you political, talentless, son of a bitch! How’s that for objective journalism? I don’t care if it’s Mae Young, Triple H needs to drop the gold to someone QUICK before the U.S. declares a war on steroids and bottled water. Booker T gets involved, setting up himself vs Triple H at WM XIX. Why does Triple H still have the title? Is common sense totally lost? You go ahead and screw Steph, make sure she shows off that engagement ring to everyone. We all know the truth, Mr. Paul Levesque…but sooner or later, money comes before family. Winner: Whoever decides not to watch…and Scott Steiner, too
Tabie says: Again? This is pathetic. As Alan said, why does Triple H still have the title? He’s about to become a member of the McMahon family, so he may get an early wedding present in this match, but I think it’s Steiner’s turn. Triple H can’t get his way all the damn time. I see his gang interfering, but Booker T making the save and giving Steiner the win…thus keeping Triple H’s image untainted. Winner: Scott Steiner
Not D'Lo! OR RAVEN! BOOYAH HHH wins because he is the HHH of Raw. Oh the wit.
Shelton Benjamin, Charlie Haas, and Kurt Angle vs Brock Lesnar, Chris Benoit and Edge (or Rhyno, depending upon Edge’s scheduled neck surgery)
Alan says: The three members of Team Angle will carry the three pieces of SmackDown gold to the ring. The opponents? They’ll carry the mental scars and emotional wounds that Team Angle has inflicted upon them with the constant mind games and dirty tactics of recent weeks. With THE MATCH TO END ALL MATCHES scheduled for WrestleMania XIX, this is the opportunity for everyone to shine, and a time for Angle to come out on top of Lesnar one last time. Look for this match to be absolutely amazing from every angle (no pun intended), and look for at least four finishing moves toward the end of the match. Angle wins to build heat for THE MATCH TO END ALL MATCHES next month. Winners: Team Angle
Tabie says: Team Angle…hahaha…technically, they are an amazing group of athletes—but they’re taking on BROCK LESNAR, CHRIS BENOIT and EDGE…or, as Alan tells me, it could even be RHYNO in that last slot. Cheating is the only way to beat this virtually invincible group, and as skilled as Team Angle is at cheating, I don’t see them ever having a chance against the BIG boys. Winners: Team Babyface
Oh man, did Kanyon make the buried list Alan? Cause GOD DAMMMA MAMMA JAMMA he took it up the ass in his return from what I've heard. And did you even remember Jindrak on that list? Of course not, no one remembers Jindrak. Team Angle wins. BROCK beats Angle at Wrestlemania. If you don't believe about Wrestlemania look at BROCK's size.
Hulk Hogan vs The Rock
Alan says: Give Hogan a break. All you smarks are on the warpath again, just like last time. Hulkamania still lives, and the icon that brought me to the sport will always elicit cheers from me. Rock and Hogan are, admittedly, about equal in the wrestling abilities. The leg drop of doom and the People’s Elbow aren’t too devastating, and these men are made for the mic. However, twenty years ago, the leg drop WAS devastating, and it’s too well-known to change now. The Rock doesn’t have such a great excuse for his move, except to add that he also uses the Rock Bottom. Booker does it better, but I’m rambling now. It’s time for Hogan’s BIG LAST RUN, uninterrupted by squashes from Lesnar or jobbing to the Rock. The marks want to see it, and this smark is begging for it. “When it comes crashing down and it hurts inside…” Winner: Hulk Hogan, and his millions of Hulkamaniacs
Tabie says: What can I say? Icon vs icon, legend vs master of the mic. The legend lives on, but I don’t see him pulling out the leg drop this time. Why? Because the Rock just made his return and his heel turn, and WWE loves the mic men. Plus, the man would probably cry like a baby backstage if he had to lose to Hogan…and WWE seems convinced that it’s good business to push him as soon as he’s back, even though he’ll probably be gone again in a month. Hey, Vince, it’s your company…you can destroy it however you’d like. Winner: The Rock, and his millions of clueless marks
Wow this'd be AWESOME if anyone cared this time. Austin, Taker, Rock, Hogan, all 4 return and ratings sure changed didn't they? Oh wait, no they didn't. And the fact that I can't SEE Rock's heel turn and you two CAN and DO NOT ENJOY it is just.. blah. Rock.
That’s about all, tune in next week for a dynamite guest article from Derek…and >if you have anything to say, click here to e-mail me. As always, keep your shoulders off the mat and keep reaching for the ropes…
Transmission complete…
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