Shoot: (n) 1. In wrestling terms, a storyline or event occurring in a wrestling show which has real-world relevance, whether in satire or expose fashion. 2. Something completely unscripted and not planned beforehand (i.e. Russo/Hogan “shoot promo” *snicker, snicker*) 3. An attempt by either a wrestling writer(s) or the federation’s promoter to appease to the fandom in the know by showing material that only they would see relevance in.

WWE RAW. For years the staple program of Vincent Kennedy McMahon’s brain child. It’s gone from campy comedy to self-mockery to attitude to pathetic to…still pathetic. Now, however, Vince, in his ever-present genius (just ask him), has either purposely or unwittingly turned his trump card into nothing more but an underwhelming shoot. For the random, Joe American out there, this isn’t a problem. It goes over their head. Just look at the crowd signs last week. People upon people with “Bischoff, You’re Fired!” and signs to that effect or in a display on how a great number of WWE fans are idiots and failed 3rd grade, “Bischoff, YOUR FIRED!” signs. Granted, by looking at the ratings, this isn’t overly popular. Then there is the small (?) number of people out there who either laugh at the feeble attempts at shooting…or shake their heads in resignation. I’m one of those people. So kick up your feet, grab your beverage of choice and put the kids to bed because Vinnie Mac’s program is being shown, with footnotes…RAW is SHOOT! (Each member of the roster could be analyzed, however, for your own attention spans, that won’t be done. Maybe a series of columns? Hah, I should be so lucky.)

The headliners. The main eventers:

--To start we have Eric Bischoff. Bischoff is probably the biggest example of a shoot in the whole company. You’ve got RAW bearing a striking resemblance to WCW Nitro, in more ways than one. The set. The feel. The disappointing nature of the program. The Pseudo-Horsemen. The list could go on and on. Eric caters to the upper class and pisses on the peons. In WCW, Eric was focused on the main eventers and gave little thought to the mid and low cards (watch WCW Nitro’s first hour for your viewing pleasure). He wanted to be buddy-buddy with the high rollers; turning that fixation into script when he joined the n.W.o. Eric has a thing for HLA. If anyone is familiar with Bischoff’s connection to the Atlanta Gold club (professional athletes supposedly were offered sexual favors as a gift from the club owner), this comes as an embarrassing hoot. To make this angle even more realistic, Eric should have brought his wife in to help with the selection…after all, Eric has trouble with bisexual lesbians. Eric has a love for Grecian Formula. How does Eric get that jet black hair that caused an anonymous Bolt member to call him cute? (Eyesight not withstanding). The dye job. Vince McMahon isn’t just a client anymore. Eric has a lot of enemies. Eric, indeed, did fire “Stunning” Steve Austin. Don’t believe for a second that Austin wouldn’t want to get his hands on Ol’ Bisch. Flair hates Bischoff’s guts as well, although Ric’s role these days is nothing more than being a father figure in the Pseudo-Horsemen. Eric’s personality makes you want to punch his lights out. Any heel should go for this, but he goes further. This is WCW Bischoff, behind the scenes. The smug expression. The condescending tone. It’s all there. Eric ultimately becomes small in comparison to Vince McMahon. This isn’t just a statement about their physical stature. Bischoff lost the Monday Night Wars to Vince, albeit giving it a good fight for years. Bischoff is reduced to working for Vince, something that you can take to the bank gets Vince off. McMahon’s statement that he’s wanted to knock off Bischoff’s head for years...pure shoot. Bischoff challenged McMahon to a match years ago which didn’t take place only because of Vince’s staff whispering in his ear not to do so.

--Triple H, inbred, World Champion and husband-to-be of Stephanie McMahon

Mention the name HHH and there would be a debate that would result in nothing short of a nuclear holocaust. Sure, he’s the champion. He’s also rumored to be influential when it comes to the state of RAW. His relationship to Stephanie gives him a source of power and he’d be foolish not to try to use it. In the ring, he’s “the Game”. He lives, breathes, eats, sleeps...yada, yada, yada...the business. On screen, his character has a lot of influence, not only because he’s champion, but also because of his new stable, “Evolution”. He’s been accused off camera of burying talent, namely RVD and Booker T. While to suggest that he is the sole reason for this is ludicrous, it does have some merit. Batista and Orton, the two young talents in “Evolution”, were on their respective ways to established characters. Enter...HHH. Now the two get to play whipping boys in HHH’s way of burying two potential future opponents. Of course, they’ll end up turning on him down the line, but the fact that he “chose” now to recruit the two is sketchy. Hunter is everywhere, both on RAW and backstage.

--Booker T, token black guy, makes the suckas dig

In WCW, Booker T was a tag team wrestler with little personality who was stuck in a tag team with his brother, Stevie Ray. Once given a singles push, Book was a successful draw. Booker was perhaps the biggest loser in the fall of WCW as he hasn’t been given anywhere near the opportunity he had in WCW. Now that Goldust is out of the way, look for Booker T to get a run at the HHH title at Wrestlemania. Booker shoots his own persona in WCW, not his own personality.

--Scott Steiner, body by chemistry, mind by Cream of Wheat

The Big Bad Booty Daddy, or so he claims, is a volatile character who can snap at any moment. While in WCW, Steiner was known for his conduct backstage. Probably the biggest incident was a backstage fight with Diamond Dallas Page. DDP was not his only enemy. Goldberg as well isn’t expecting Christmas cards from Freakzilla this year. So far in WWE, Steiner has kept his cool, but the persona has stayed. If Vince ever hires Goldberg, lay your bets down on fireworks in the RAW locker room if Goldberg appears on Monday nights.

--“Stone Cold” Steve Austin, redneck, proudly obeys the law

Austin’s on-air persona is a rebellious one, one that bucks authority. It’s been highly publicized that Austin had legal troubles. Authority bucked him. Now that he is returning, it remains to be seen whether Austin can continue to buck authority backstage, where he has had his disagreements with the writing team. He has to go back to an environment where some of his co-workers still have issues with him as well as obeying a court order. Austin’s character has become a mirror image of what he has to be in order to remain successful in the business.

A brief tour in the midcard shows a similar trend:

--Jeff Hardy, spokesman, Sherwin Williams.

Jeff is “conflicted”. That’s a nice way of saying he has no idea what the hell he’s doing. Jeff’s tweener role lately is a way of showing that he’s “at a crossroads.” In reality, Jeff has constantly shown up late for house shows and even events themselves. Some claim that his passion for the business is waning and anyone who has watched him can tell the difference (albeit some say he’s improved as of late). He’s been characterized as an unorthodox individual, which could be the reason why people don’t understand what’s going on in his head. Any way you look at it, Jeff’s real life mirrors his in-ring character, coincidence or not.

--Teddy Long, manager, Rodney “Back the Mack” Mack

As Mack’s manager, Teddy, or Theodore as he chooses to be called, is an outspoken proponent that “the Man” is holding down men of “color”. All ridiculousness aside, he’s a champion for civil rights. In the late 90s, while Teddy was working in WCW, a lawsuit was filed by a Japanese manager, Sonny Onoo and a jobber, “Hardwork” Bobby Walker, among others. This lawsuit claimed that WCW was racially prejudiced against minorities, in particular African-Americans and Mexican wrestlers. Long was one of the champions for the cause. Today, his character does the same thing, although without the lawsuit.

--Christopher Nowinski, snob, Harvard graduate and captain of the Crimson football team

Nowinski’s character is an aloof, snobbish Harvard grad that gets off on mocking the “lack of education” of everyone around him. During interviews, Nowinski has said again and again that that is the exact type of person he despised at Harvard. He was an outgoing, friendly guy who didn’t use the big “H” to put others down. Nowinski spoofs the kind of person he dislikes, indirectly shooting on his own experiences.

--Chief Morley, Libertarian, redundant sidekick to Eric Bischoff

The former Val Venis has an on-air role that is pretty useless, acting as nothing more than a yes-man to Bischoff and doing duties that Bischoff could just as easily do. Given the state of RAW, mark-wise, you could say that it is nothing short of a clusterf*ck. Off camera, Sean Morley has an avid interest in politics. He supports the Libertarian party, a party whose radical detractors claim that they do not support an organized government. It’s a bit of a stretch, but the connection is there.

--The Hurricane, WWE’s superhero, current RAW nobody

The Hurricane’s character brings us back to the era of goofy gimmicks that no one took seriously. He believes he has hurri-powers. Alright buddy, next time, don’t spike your Kool-Aid. Off screen, Hurricane Helms is a big comic book fan, in particular a giant fan of the Green Lantern. Head RAW writer Brian Gewirtz is also a comic book aficionado. See why Hurricane is on RAW and not where he should be, Smackdown?

There are some members of the RAW roster that are obviously “shooting” on themselves:

--Maven, King of the Funky Eyebrows, Tough Enough I winner Maven is pretty cut-and-dry. He’s portraying himself mainly because everyone saw him on MTV and it wouldn’t exactly be believable to have him portray something else.

--Al Snow, Tough Enough Trainee With the advent of Tough Enough, any prior character of Al Snow was effectively buried. Now, he is a mentor to Maven, which is what he was on Tough Enough. Al is as cut-and-dry as Maven as far as the “shoot” goes.

--Rob Van Dam, 4:20, Record holder for the Van Dam Lift RVD’s personality is very laid back, never concerning himself too much with the upcoming match. The carefree way he interacts with people might give the impression of a stoner. Off screen, RVD has been known to be a marijuana user. At one time, he was to appear on a morning cartoon hour, but the producers had their reservations because of RVD’s blazing. The fans see it too, signs of “RVD 4:20”.

--Stacy Keibler, human pole vault, Test’s valet Other than her obvious purpose as eye candy, Stacy Keibler is used as Test’s valet. She’s often clueless, bumbling her way from one scene to another (for example, her recent “chairshot” from Jericho). It’s safe to say that her persona is that of a dumb blond. When the cameras aren’t rolling, she has been known to show up late or not at all for house shows. Backstage, she is poked fun at for her “airheadedness”. Obviously, the dumb blond shtick works.

This isn’t the whole RAW roster, not by any means. However, there are a large number of wrestlers whose personae fit the definition of a “shoot”, both directly and indirectly. None of the above should be thought of as intentional, but given the nature of WWE, I would not be surprised if it were. One thing is for certain, though, and that is that RAW is in some sad shape and needs a fix, fast.

I’d like to thank Alan and Johnny for giving me the opportunity to write this column, quality not withstanding. I can be found languishing on Bolt’s WWF (E) board, dealing with the marks among us. Any feedback you might have (get a better pen name) would be appreciated and welcomed. I can be reached at fms_derek@hotmail.com or if you prefer AIM, DerekDTR. Once again, thanks to the site’s caretakers and thanks to you, the reader. -Derek Bennett. DTR. bWo’s sexiest member, what have you.