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Hello Sportsentertainmentmeansvinceandhhhsuckletsbreakkayfabe fans!! THE END IS NEAR!! Al, Scott Keith already did this joke. Quick, everyone, let's all finally admit we marked out for Disqo because Disqo RULES!! Who's gonna know? THE END IS NEAR!!
Armageddon is upon us, and us good ol' boys...and the girl...are all back with our top-notch predictions. Last month, out of a possible 21 correct predictions (7 matches, 3 smarks), we had a total of TEN!! I contributed one, and to those who snicker, fuck you too bitch call the cops. Vegas loves us. This time around, it's even better. Why, you may ask? Because we have a FOUR CORNERS tag champ match, a THREE WAY women's title match, and people like A-Train receiving PPV pushes. Who is A-Train?
Oh, you didn't know?! THE END IS NEAR!! ALBERT'S GOT A NEW GIMMICK!! Not only that, he has new music, a new name, and a new push...not to mention a few new piercings. Of course, I'd be hard pressed to figure out which ones are new or old, but with all those holes, something's gotta be new. Or improved...unlike Albert's in-ring ability. With a name like that, he should be with Cena's posse. Let me quote myself from the Wienerville (traffic courtesy Hyatte!) boards, on how to complete that group:"What about Old Dirty Conway, Nick Streetcore Dinsmore, and Shizzannon Moore filling out the rest of the spots? They can't be THAT busy on Velocity. Oddly, this may be my new dream faction." Also making waves in the world of Vinnie Mac's arena...Al Wilson, Torrie's decrepit old cradle-robber. One question...why steal something that you could get for a few bucks on any street corner? HHH is donating some Flair to a new guy to help push him up...up...up to the lower mid-card by burying other huge guys with no build-up. A Mexican fights a Canadian, but not for US Citizenship, or a title, or even because of a feud. They'll fight just...because. Because they're Canadian and Mexican. The women's champ likes to lick people, including Psycho Big Stevie Cool Richards . The Undisputed Title is being worn around the champ's left ankle because they couldn't track down enough simulated leather to make it fit his waist. The tag titles match consists of virtually the entire division, and it's a clusterf*ck. So, that leaves the main event for ARMAGEDDON 1992!!! Ummm...2002. Yeah, best of three falls, three specialty matches, Shawn Michaels, Triple H. The world rejoices at the prospect of the Roid Monkey getting back what is "rightfully his" from that terrible punk that looks like he's 14 but wrestles like he's 45, HBK. What, you thought the Kid would drop the title to someone NOT named Triple H? What were you thinking? Oh, X-Pac isn't around, so it won't go down like that.
Now that I've clarified exactly WHAT is so special about each of these extraordinary matches, your predictions will be coming from myself, the smarkette Tabie, and possibly the Angry One Himself, Johnny...are you in Johnny? Yes, unlike the paragraphing in the draft of this article you sent me.
Kane vs Bautista
AKA Kane VS Not BROCK
Alan: Do I smell the reformation of a famous faction of four with Flair? Triple H and Bautista make three, and there are more heels on the Raw roster. There are no factions right now, and if you recall the days of High Ratings, factions were the reason for drama, ratings, matches, title changes, ticket sales, merchandise, and the Second Coming. Of the Ultimate Warrior, that is. You sound like Zak's reasons to bring russo back. Factions were good, but if the nWo taught us anything it's that WWF should NOT try to add to WCW's legacy. Anyways, they are pushing Bautista's alliance with Flair, and they seem to just be beginning a huge push for this young superstar. I see him winning decisively, with Flair's obvious help. Winner: Bautista
Tabie: Kane hasn't exactly been on a winning streak lately. The Katie Vick thing fizzled out leading into the elimination chamber, then he was eliminated fourth leaving this PPV's main eventers. Since then, not much has really happened. There was a segment on this week's Raw, but nothing prompting a PPV match. Bautista has been kicking serious ass lately, and he's a monster...so I see him continuing the streak against Kane in this match. Winner: Bautista
The Deacon.
Edge vs Albert
AKA... oh fuck it.
Alan: A-Train. New music, new name, new gimmick, straight into a main-event push with the Undisputed Champ on SmackDown. There's really not much else I can say about this one. Winner: Albert
Tabie: Edge has had a winning edge recently (no pun intended), but all streaks eventually end. I think Albert will be the one to end it. Edge's victories and popularity of late will make Albert's victory mean even more, and build up some decent heat for his new push. Winner: Albert
Edge. Should be Christian getting a push though. A Train... no wonder I don't watch this shit any more.
Chris Benoit vs Eddie Guerrero
Alan: Benoit and Angle received a big push in their tag-team forced chemistry segments, and then they kind of fizzled. Angle has moved on to Undisputed Title matchups, while Benoit has fallen to facing another underrated wrestler in Eddie. However, of the two, Eddie's push has been much more evident in recent weeks. His segments with Chavo are slightly pointless, slightly humorous, and a whole lot more plentiful than Benoit's airtime. Looks like Latino Heat will burn the Crippler down. Winner: Eddie Guerrero
Tabie: Eddie seems to be on his way up the ranks, and Angle has moved on, leaving Benoit without any sort of direction or feud. Eddie will use Benoit as a stepping stone on his way up the midcard. Winner: Eddie Guerrero
Benoit. Jesus, the guy can't lose anymore heat. Eddie NEVER loses heat no matter how he looks.
Torrie Wilson vs Dawn Marie
Alan: Dawn tells Al she won't be cancelling the wedding after all, and promises to expose Torrie's true personality to the world. She accuses Torrie of being a sexual predator and tells us that we'll see what happened in the hotel room at Armageddon. Torrie comes down to whup on Dawn Marie, but Al gets involved. That works out fine, because Torrie wanted to whup on him, too. This feud is obviously not over yet, and Torrie finally gets physical against her father on SmackDown. This smells of an old-man heel turn. Watch for Al to interfere and Dawn Marie to win it, and let's hope for some HLA! Winner: Dawn Marie
Tabie: Torrie's been stubborn about this wedding for obvious reasons. She will not change her mind, and neither will Al and Dawn Marie. The way things have escalated, I think Dawn Marie will beat Torrie with some help from Al. Winner: Dawn Marie
Dawn. And she's hot, you damn overpicky fan boys.
WWE Women's Championship Triple Threat Match -- Victoria (c) vs Trish Stratus vs Jacqueline
Alan: Victoria, the psycho bitch has a new gimmick, a new running mate (Steven Richards), and a new fetish in licking people. These are all signs of an obvious push to me, and as tough as the faces are together, my money would be on the crazy lady, with the help of a Stevie-T (DDT) or two. Winner: Victoria
Tabie: Jackie's out of the question, because she's really never on television unless there is a specific need for a female babyface ass-kicker. I'd like to see Trish holding the title, but she just dropped it to Victoria, so I don't think it's in the stars for Trish this time around. Victoria will win with Steven's help. Winner: Victoria
This title has and never will matter. Currently Victoria and Trish are doing the dance that Trish/Molly, Ivory/Jackie, Sable/Jackie have done. Trade it back and forth because there's only like 3 people in the division. Victoria wins. Whatever.
WWE World Tag Team Championship Fatal Four-Way Elimination Match
Chris Jericho and Christian (c) vs Dudley Boyz vs Lance Storm and William Regal vs Booker T and Goldust
Alan: The heels are out. They've retained long enough. We have two great face teams that could easily get over as champs. I was going to predict that the titles were going to Dudleyville, but Monday night's segment with Goldust and Booker T sticking together changed my mind instantly. If they still lose, and nothing comes of the segment, then we can officially change the name from Raw to Nitro. These segments were setting something up, and in my opinion that is a tag team title reign with Spineroonies and Golden Globes all around! Winners: Booker T and Goldust
Tabie: Y2J and Christan have held the titles way too long. Storm, Regal, and the Power of the Punch are all three getting very old. The Dudley Boyz are back together, and logic would say they will win the titles, but WWE doesn't use alot of logic when booking, especially in title matches. Goldust was going to give up because he thought he was holding Booker back. Booker told him they were going into the Four-Way together. I see them winning the titles, finally. Winners: Booker T and Goldust
3 Minute Warining. What's that you say? They've buried them after pushging them to the moon so they ain't in this match? Speaking of burial after major pushes, there's no WAY Jericho wins another PPV match. One year ago he UNITED the WWF/WCW titles, something NO ONE thought would ever happen. Now look at him. Booker and Goldust? I think SS establthe bookers as morons who don't know what they're doing, so I doubt it. Lance Storm getting a PPV win is less likely than a Jericho win. Dudleyz win, and no one acknowledges the church of D Von. And I see Dudleyz turning on Spike, and Spike + random partner VS Dudleyz again being the tag title match for half the year. Isn't Heyman booking SMACKDOWN?
WWE Undisputed Championship Match -- Big Show (c) vs Kurt Angle
Alan: Wouldn't that blow the roof off this sucker? Angle vs Lesnar at Wrestlemania X9 for the Undisputed Title? That could be the best single-fall main-event ever. Lesnar's suspension is lifted, Heyman has been neutralized and should no longer be so much of a factor. It's all over for the man who never should have held the title, and it's time for Your Olympic Hero to hold gold again. Winner: Kurt Angle
Tabie: Big Show shouldn't have gotten his hands on the title. Big Show and Big Mouth are a sneaky combination, but I think it's the end of the golden road for Big Show, and another beginning for Kurt Angle. I don't like Kurt, but he is a really good talent, and I think he'd be great against Brock Lesnar. Winner: Kurt Angle
Big Show, after BROCK and Angle argue. You people put too much faith in these writers.
WWE World Heavyweight Championship 2 Out Of 3 Falls Match -- Shawn Michaels (c) vs Triple H
First Fall - Street Fight, Second Fall - Steel Cage, Third Fall - Ladder Match
Alan: STEINER'S YOUR HOOKUP -- ON RAW!!! Why is that so great? Because...HBK is back. What does that mean? HBK won't just lose his title to anyone. Babyface Michaels might be getting monstrous pops right now, but truth be told...he's not planning on giving that belt to anyone but his best bud. You know, that guy that just dropped it to him last month in the Chamber. Yep, time for Triple H's title reign. Again. *Yawn* but wait, what's that sound? It sounds like freaks...Triple H's first feud has just arrived. With all the Steiner buildup, where else could he go but straight to the main event? So, it's a bad news/good news situation...bad news is HHH wins, good news is we get to see Steiner beat the hell out of him! Winner: Triple H
Tabie: HBK said it himself, he's getting up there. He's not a young guy anymore. He came back, he had his title reign, he had all that spirit and charisma that only the Showstopper could provide. Now, it's time for reality. It's time for Shawn Michaels to move on out of the main event picture, and he won't drop the title to some young, future-of-wrestling type of guy. He'll lose it to his buddy, Triple H. I really like Michaels, but I really can't stand Triple H. Unfortunately, I don't think this main event is going to leave me, or any of the fans, jumping for joy when it's over. Winner: Triple H
HHH. I bet I get like 3 this month.
Wow, looks like Tabie and I predicted ALL EIGHT matches exactly the same. That increases my chances of being right, being that Tabie went 6 for 7 last month. Next week, we'll go over the Pay Per View's high and low points, and the accuracy of our predictions. Also, within the next few weeks, we'll have a guest column from a friend of mine, another smark from the evil Bolt. Be looking for that...and e-mail me at alanpugh43130@hotmail.com with any comments. As always, keep your shoulders off the mat and keep reaching for the ropes.
