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Raw: The Triple H shitfest continues! This time in 1997 Polo clothes!
RawZone: More Crap! Triple H MUST be mentioned!!
So onto the show. It begins in a rather exciting fashion as none other than Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman make their way down into the crowd holding FRONT ROW TICKETS! I hope he paid $200 bucks from a scalper like I usually have to when I want front row Raw tickets!! Lesnar is sporting one awesome Hulkamania t-shirt, and the crowd lynches him for being a Smackdown wrestler wearing ANOTHER Smackdown wrestler's shirt on a RAW broadcast. Uncle Eric faints.
Daaaaaaa da daaaaa Da da daaaaaaaaaaaaa TIME TO PLAY THE GAME!! And of course, out comes the oppressor of all midcarders, the GAME in promised 1997 Polo gear. All we need now is him cleanly shaven with a slightly chubby build ala Chris Jericho. He rants about something I don't care about...oh yeah, being a terrible Austin clone. Then Rock comes out and talks to Lesnar and I laugh. Its beautiful cause HE'S IGNORING TRIPLE H!!! About freaking time someone did! Then Hunter gets mad cause the spotlight is OFF of him, and on a guy PEOPLE ENJOY!! Well the stupid people that is. I like Benoit. Anyhoo...Rock then tries to throwdown with Triple H and Brock interferes, but Triple H gets the upperhand (wow, imagine that!) and pedigrees Rocky. Then he walks out and Brock laughs. Pow!
Rock is intimidating Bischoff afterwards cause he wants Triple H in a match. Bischoff hesitates and Rock gets mad. Stuff happens and Rock leaves.
Tits Stratus & Spike vs. Nowinski & Molly
Well yet again ANOTHER intergender tag match with a miscellaneous Dudley. I'm so tired of this. I fucking want Jazz back so I don't have to deal with these ridiculous matches. Anyways...ON TO THE MATCH! heh...they pulled SOME neat stuff with Nowinski constantly trying to impress Molly (who he wants to get balls deep into) by beating up Spike & Tits. They wrestle outside for some odd reason and Molly distracts Tits. In ring Nowinski hits a double underhook inverted DDT or something cool like that for the win. Two stars of course. I can't stand intergender matches, and this one REALLY dragged on for awhile.
Backstage Goldust asks Uncle Eric ,if Booker beats Storm tonight, that they can have a Tag Title shot at Summerslam. Uncle Eric gets all excited...and SO DOES MINI-DUST HUMPING HIS LEG! Yeah! Nothing better than sick comedy!
In ring the Fink tries to apologize, but instead reems out Lilian Garcia for sucking dick to get where she is now. Seriously...FINK CUTS BETTER PROMOS THAN TRIPLE H!!! Gosh, I'll be damned if they let anyone else cut better promos than this! Even the nWo...I swear..but then....BOOOOOOM!! Kane music...and fire....and a lame payoff with something along the lines of "The fire scortches the sky...CRZ's hemmeroids still burn....THE FIRE STILL BURNS!!" No Kane. Just Fink having a heart attack.
In the back Uncle Eric talks about Stacy being Solid Snake and getting RVD a title shot for the IC belt at Summerslam. Jeff & Matt try to get Uncle Eric's attention but he shafts them. Matt then butts in and suggests HE gets to wrestle RVD for the shot. Uncle Eric flips a magic coin, and says Jeff does. Matt cries. Like the inferior Hardy would get a title shot. Psssshhhh..he's SOOOOO Christian level. I mean really.
Booker vs. Lance Storm
Goldust & Mini-Dust accompany Book to the ring. And of course, this is a LANCE STORM match so its GONNA be good. I really have never seen a bad Lance Storm match. I swear. AGAIN! They go back & forth until Christian interferes and Storm roles up Book. Book kicks out when rockets Storm into a Goldust punch and Booker gets the pin. Afterwards Test runs in (hey, no mention of the former tag partners colliding??) for the beat down. Then the Undertaker *gong* runs in and everyone runs out instead of Mini - Dust who can't jump the barricade. Two and 1/2 stars for the same tag team formula WWE always uses. But the 1/2 for it being Storm. YES I'M BIASED! GO UN-AMERICANS!!
As we come back Uncle Eric makes Mini - Dust do funny things. Then he gets bored...and oh! ITS THREE MINUTE TIME!! The Wild Samoans run in and KILL THE MIDGET! Oh this is entertaining! But its gonna end soon...poor Wild Samoans. J.R. throws a hissy fit, but they do DWARVE TOSSING in Oklahoma bars J.R.! Boomer sooner that you redneck! Uncle Eric goes up the ramp and announces he's acquired Stacy Kiebler. She comes out. Takes off her skirt. And dances. DANCES A lOT! HUZZAH!
The Giant and The Lionheart vs. The Nature Boy...and uh Bubba Tough
Damn the WWE for breaking my WCW name continuity!! Well this match was kinda cool. Except for the Giant / Bubba parts. I HATE slow bad wrestling. After a few go arounds Flair and Big Show fight outside. Jericho slaps on a BOSTON CRAP, and Bubba taps out. Afterwards Flair pantses Jericho and TRIES to slap the figure four on him but the Giant runs him out. Afterwards Flair does a funny dance and Bubba staggers out. Three Stars for Flair's effort..and Jericho's funny King of the World ring shouts.
Afterwards Jericho bitches at Coach that he's THE KING OF THE WORLD...and that Fozzy will play on Raw next week. We all look forward to some GLAM ROCK!!
We get a nice little snippit of HBCake kicking mostly Bret Hart's ass in montage version. How subliminal of them. Somewhere Bret Hart craps his pants. And its not cause of this montage.
Tommy Dreamer vs. Stevie Richards
Wow...its a CANE vs. CHAIR match!!! Stevie talks to his chair. J.R. makes the comment that 6 months ago Stevie was nowhere near the level of competition that he is now. He's FULL OF SHIT! But anyways...This was like an ECW match without the excitement. They kind of had a Conan fight with their weapons in the beginning then Tommy lashed into Stevie. And in a crushing ironic blow Tommy smacks Stevie upside his bitch ass with his own chair. Two stars for the lack of...coolness I guess. This was just lacking...for no good reason really.
RVD vs. Jeff Hardy (Edge Level Competitor)
Of course, its an RVD match so its good. The match starts out with lots of neat spots that the Cruiserweight division is LACKING. P.O.S. division is more like it. Anyways...one of my favorite parts of this match is that Jeff could barely run around the little barricade so RVD trips him and he falls on the barricade. Guess what time it is?? RVD spinning kick on the barricade time! Anyways they fight back into the ring and Jeff gets the upperhand. He tries to hit the swanton but RVD rolls outta the way and he hits the ref. As both men are out of it, Matt Hardy (Christian Level Competitor) runs in and Twist of Fates Jeff. RVD doesn't see it, goes up for the Five Star and wins the match. Three and 1/2 start match. Good to see ANOTHER freaking Hardy breakup. Shane wonders when they'll start televising the makeup sex.
Terri (who should have been fired cause she's FUGLAAAY!!) asks the Un-Americans how they's gonna survive the BookDust onslaught. They're DISGUSTED and then Test boasts he gets to fight the Undertaker *gong* in a slow and stupid match. BOFFO!
Uncle Eric disses the lispy duck mothafucker (Kevin Dunn) for airing a Smackdown commercial. He then announces that Triple H will face the Rock NEXT MONDAY!! Man I LOVE it when they tell me I can just "call in" the description for the next week's main event! Uncle Eric you're my hero!
The Un-Americans & Triple H aaaah vs. BookDust, Rock & Taker *gong*
Wow, is it main event time already! Well yeah it is! LET THE CLUSTERFUCK BEGIN!! Goldust really shows off some great energy until he's made into a bitch. Lots of stupid fighting goes on, and eventually after A LOT of fucking crowd cheering the Undertaker *gong* is tagged in. Yowzers! He kills EVERYONE! Until Triple H does something stupid. Then he & Rock fight outside. Taker *gong* slams Storm, and goes for the last ride but Test gets the big boot and pins Taker. Two stars. BIG clusterfuck.
WWE announces it will be in DENVER and tickets go on sale SATURDAY! Live Raw Report kids!! Just when they start pulling off 6 star shows after 9 starts. Great. I'm excited. That's it for me!
