| Paul Bearer voice) WEEEEELLL, WELLLLLLL, WELLLLL.
(regular voice) I'm back! Not that I ever left, but here's another Reality Check for you people! And after this one, all of my points will be off topic! So there! Why? See the big secret. 1.[point irrelevant] 2.The Undertaker needs to go. NOW. No more rollin, rollin, rollin. No more dogs, no more God Damn yards, no more Last Rides. NO MORE. The best thing Mark Calloway could do for wrestling is to job to Page like Nash did. A lot of power moves, dominate the match, but BOOM. Diamond cutter. He never sees it coming. And just like that, WCW is a threat. Not a redneck run company, not broke as a joke, not an inferior. A THREAT. If the American Badass can fall by being careless, EVERY WWF superstar would be on alert. Match quality would go through the roof. And for all you Undertaker marks who've hated every word of this, know this:as the Phenom, he was my second favorite WWF worker. I counted the days till his return. And all he did was disappoint. My favorite WWF guy? Mankind. Mick Foley, who I KNOW did the right thing by jobbing to Triple H on his way out. He elevated Hunter. Just like Undertaker could elevate Page. And since even Page knows he's in his last years, Page would eventually elevate someone else. The Jindraks, Awesomes, and Kanyons of the world need to be elevated. Undertaker isn't going to slip any distance down by bringing these guys up. He doesn't need it. THEY DO. And that's all I've got left to say about Mark Calloway. I'm sure he's a great man, a good worker (he did work the Hell in a Cell with a broken ankle), and a team player. He just needs to show it. 3.Enough serious talk! Back to cheap jokes! Now that they've ruined Taker, let's ruin Kane! I mean, all he was was a 3rd rate Taker so let's make him a 3rd rate NEW Taker. That's right, let's make him a biker and use a Kid Rock song for his theme whose name becomes his moniker even after Limp Bizkit's "My Generation" becomes his theme. Think of the possibilities, JR:It's Kane, the Bullgod! or JR:The Devil without a Cause is clearing house! or JR:What a chokeslam from the Early Morning Stone Pimp! Actually that last one would be funny. But only becuase I'll never get tired of hearing JR say words like pimp in his trademark Oklahoma accent. I swear to God he must be the only worthwhile thing to ever come out of that God forsaken state. What about Goldberg you say? Does it hurt to be that stupid? 4.[point irrelevant] 5.i'll say it again, the WWF is the best it's ever been right now. KOTR didn't disappoint. After last year's KOTR, how could it? But sriously even though it was only a five, last Monday's Raw was a definite ten. Jeff Hardy actually put on a decent singles match! It was better than the one at KOTR that's for sure, WTF is up with that? Jericho vs. Tajiri in the main event? I must have died and gone to a rather pleasurable version of Hell. The green mist makes its WWF debut and I mark out. Jericho takes at least five of Tajiri kicks. Take that internet "Y2J isn't working as hard" smarks. Take that and shove it. Test and Rhyno put on an awesome match. And Rhyno took some of the sickest bumps EVER on a Raw. Being elbowed through two table that slid instead of giving, being launched out of that cart JACKASS style, and that PAINFUL looking powerbom onto the ladder. If you don't see Rhyno and Tajiri headlining down the road, you need your eyes checked. Hell, even Raven got to be on Raw. Sure he didn't get to speak or fight, but it's a start. This was a DAMN good Raw. And Smackdown better not disappoint. But let me get to the most important part. MIKE FREAKING AWESOME WON THE HARDCORE TITLE!! HE TOOK ONE OF THE WWF'S TITLES! I'm as big a Lance Storm, Hugh Morrus, and Booker T fan as anyone, but in my mind MIKE AWESOME STARTED THE TRUE INVASION. He didn't fire the first shot, but he sure as hell fired a big one. I'm gonna make a confession. I jumped up and down and screamed my head off at the first sight of Mike Awesome. Not as bad as you think. Worse. I looked like a 12 year old girl standing in Times Square when N'Sync is on TRL. And it wasn't once or twice. It was THE WHOLE TIME HE WAS ON SCREEN. I feel better for venting. *the Dungeon* |
