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Mothers

I found this information to be precise & profound for me. On the anniversary of my son's 1st birthday I tried suicide. Every birthday after that I would go into a deep depression at the beginning of May. His birthday was the 27th. I would make him a cake. Buy a toy & a card.

My x-husband asked me not to tell our children till they were older, and I didn't till they were in their 20's.I would write his name on the cake , then swirl it out so my children did not ask who's name it was. Note here, my x-husband & father of my 1st born were & are arch enemies, plus I am married now to my 1st born's Dad.

I would give the toy to Goodwill, eat the cake, & burn the card. I really do not know to this day why I felt like I had to burn the card. How I wished I kept them. On the 28th of the month I became normal again. I felt like a person who is so sick to their stomach & can't throw up , then finally does. You feel so much better.

Every Christmas I would cry. I would go to my bedroom, lock the door, get down on my knees and say a prayer for my son. Then come out like nothing ever happened. There was so many people there I don't think I was even missed for those few mins.

I always felt like I had a hole in my heart. I prayed to God that I would not die till I seen my son. He was good to me. I noticed that the very day after I found him that the hole in my heart closed.

Adoption for me was the worst thing that ever happened to ME. I am not speaking here for YOU. I am speaking for me.

I have been raped , beaten , tortured, attempted to be murdered, had a mentally ill husband, been raised by a father who drank, a mother who told me often "I wish I would have had a abortion instead of you", molested, had my x husband steal money from the same company where I worked, took care of my
Mom for almost 5 years after her stroke, believe me there is more, but nothing ever hurt me as bad as losing my child.