-A chat with my teenage self

"Kas" was the name they called you,

The girl who once was ‘you’,

Just turned 18 - you were still a kid,

You didn’t have a clue.

Although I’ve always known that,

I have never understood,

How you had everything ready to care for your son,

but came home without him –for good.

How could you have lost your son like that?

Why couldn’t you get up and stop it?

Why didn’t you see what your parents were doing?

Or the nurses, the social workers, and doctors?

Why couldn't you DEMAND him?

I just didn't understand,

I now know

-you were powerless,

You trusted,

And were damned.

The years have gone by

And still you float

Not knowing who you are,

Despairing - "Please let this nightmare end,

Please, tell me it’s just ‘pretend!’"

Years of pain and disillusion,

Living ghost-like and alone.

Of observing your life from the edges,

Trying to keep living without your beautiful son.

Your love so immense,

The pain intense,

I know you’ve felt so broken.

But still you hang,

Suspended and scared,

A young mum,

her baby just taken.

And so you nurtured him, softly

In your heart,

In a private, secret place

Where you could feel and sense him

and touch his precious face.

You cuddled and whispered,

And held him close,

And survived on fantasy.

Imagined the life that was always your right-

As his MOTHER,

As nature decreed.

As if all of this was not enough,

YOU CARRIED YOUR GRIEF ALONE,

Your pain was ignored,

Your son didn’t exist.

You tried so hard not to implode.

They all ignored some simple facts

(To stem their guilt a little).

You are his only mother!!

You loved him first-NOT LESS!

You knew his every cell!

I’ve hated you Kas,

You kick up so much pain,

Depression set in long and hard.

I had to step in -keep appearances up,

And maintain the cruel façade.

I’m so angry with you for being unable to fight,

For your naivete and your weakness.

So I’ve beaten you down,

- kept you in your place,

And Kas, I’ve been short on forgiveness.

Your precious baby is gone - for good,

There’s nothing I can do.

You’ll always wake up sobbing for your baby at night,

I just can’t bring him home for you.