-A chat with my teenage self

Part 4 The Wake Up

So sit here kid,

and let it all out.

I’ll get the details down.

Then I’ll pull you along,

till you can stand on your own,

as you fight to heal and go on.

You were not a ‘different sort’ of mother,

a type who’d "give her baby up".

And wander off,

back to her life

as happy as a lark.

Adoption propaganda was creating these lies,

when you were too shocked to speak.

To keep you safely non-existent,

oppressed,

desolate

and weak.

I want you to know - I forgive you!

You were led like a lamb to the slaughter.

Christ! The abusers didn’t even let you know

if you’d had a son or a daughter!

Kas, you didn’t owe your baby

to anyone or anything,

Your trauma was inhuman

you had to split off,

you didn’t commit any crime!!!

Please, tell me how you’re feeling,

now your son is back in your life.

I’m here and I am listening

and I’ll hold you when times are tough.

You see, it’s YOU who holds the key to the memories,

that must be unlocked to heal.

My amnesic effects are losing their hold,

I can’t keep numbing out what you feel.

Your memories are so crucial,

and painful feelings tag along.

But that’s OK,

it just works that way.

Your wounds

-DENIED far too long.

He is your missing piece,

a precious part of you that’s been lost.

So try to get up and help me, kid,

without you

I’m still so lost.

You never got to grow up, you see

before your trauma started.

I’ve come back here to pick you up

the mum of a son, just parted.

It was clearly so illegal!

He was stolen from you,

but a long time before his birth,

I can’t continue to blame you,

and denigrate OUR self-worth.

You’re a loving, sensitive mother,

who was kicked when she was down.

So you don't have to buy the lies anymore,

I'll help you get up off the ground.

I have a life now,

where you must fit,

your children and lover hang on.

Hoping their "real mum’ can connect with their lives,

until she’s back where she belongs.

At least I have you to go back to,

to sort out who I am.

Your son is now a baby again,

his conscious existence confirmed as a lie.

It’s time for the real Beats to move back in,

and take control at last.

You are just so strong!

I know that you’ll make it!

and we can join ranks again.

I won’t be controlled without a fight,

I’ll tease you with behaviours and triggers.

That I’ve needed to shield you from pain and more loss,

that I’ve used for more than 20 years!

I’ll say it again – I FORGIVE YOU.

I know you are not to blame.

I hope you can dare to start trusting

and living with "ME" again.