The Jokes Page
Take Care You Don't
Split A Gut
(taken from "The Wizard of ID") Speaker #1: "Any education?" Speaker #2: "I attended pre-school." Speaker #1: "Why did you quit?" Speaker #2: "I could no longer fit into the little chairs."
How do crazy people go through the forest?.................................. They take the psycho - path.
How do you get holy water?.......................................................... You would boil the hell out of it.
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?................... They get Polaroids
What do prisoners use to call each other?..................................... They would use Cell phones.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?......................... That would be a stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?.................................... Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers?...................................... Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?........................ Quattro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?.................................. Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?......... Frostbite.
What is a zebra?............................................................................... A zebra is 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?........................ That would have to be a nervous wreck.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?................................................................................. The difference would have to be the taste.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?................... Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you find a no legged dog?............................................ Right where you left him.
Where do you get virgin wool?...................................................... That would have to come from Ugly sheep.
Why are there so many Johnson's in the phone book?................... They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?.................................. They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?........................................ Apparently because they have big fingers.
What do you get when an epileptic farmer falls in his lettuce patch?..... You would get Seizure salad.
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?............................................................................................. One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with, and the other is used to carry groceries!
Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?................................ Italians hate ALL witnesses.
Did you hear about the Amish woman who wanted a divorce?............. Her husband was driving her buggy.
A guy is driving down the street. A cop pulls him over and says, "Sir, were you aware that your wife fell out of the car about a mile back?" The guy says, "Oh, thank God! I thought I went deaf."
What do you call a dog with no legs?................................................. It doesn't matter. He won't come anyway.
What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an Atheist?........................................................................................ You would get someone who knocks on your door for no reason.
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