• If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.
• If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.
• I think a pillow should be the peace symbol, not the dove. The pillow has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have a beak to peck you with.
• When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car.
• I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using blanks.
• It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons.
• Of all the imaginary friends I've had, I don't think there was one that I didn't end up having to kill.
• If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, forget em', cause, man, they're gone.
• Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.
• If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is God is crying. If he asks why God is crying, I think an even cuter thing to tell him is that it's probably for something he did.
• One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. When we got there I said
• Laurie got offended when I used the word puke, but to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
• We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
• Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
• Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
• If you ever get lost and need to ask directions, you should try to find someone with one leg because I bet they know the fastest way there.
• Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
• I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
• The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
• I'd rather be rich than stupid.
• He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said,
• When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
• To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
• I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming.
• You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
• Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says
• I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
• It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.
• If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

This isn't anything yet.... but you wait until you see what it is going to be.