KindergartenCop
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for
their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and
said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!" "That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it
up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and
tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
The boy replied, "A puppy!"
The Sperm Bank
A man walks into a sperm bank with a ski mask over his head and a gun in hand.
He walks of to the lady out the counter and orders her to open the safe.
"Ah. But sir this is a sperm bank!"
"I know that. Just open the fucking safe."
"Okay. Okay."
The young lady proceeds to open the safe and asks,
"Now what sir ?"
"Grab three tubes."
"Okay."
"Bring them over here!"
So the lady retrieves three test tubes full of semen and walks back to
the counter.
"Now drink them!"
"What?"
"Drink them!"
"But..."
Waving the gun in the ladies face, he orders her to drink the semen.
So she uncorks the tubes and proceeds to drink the semen.
"Now swallow"
There's a audible gulp.
Then the man removes the ski mask and the lady recognises the man as her
husband.
He looks at her and says, "See, it wasn't that hard was it!"
Prostitutes
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, an we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Joe. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the fucking beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
The Sex Shop
An elderly woman walks into a sex shop and shakes over to the counter. She is quite old and seems afflicted with some sort of palsy.
"Do you sell dildos here?" she asked the storekeeper.
"Yes, we do," he replies.
"Big ones?"
"Yes, we do."
"Big black ones," she asks shakily.
"Yes, we sure do."
"With batteries?"
"Yes. We have a wide selection," the storekeeper replies.
"Then how do I get the damn thing out ???"
The Pakistani Nike Air.
This married couple is on holiday in Pakistan. They're touring around the market place looking at the goods and such, when they pass this small sandal shop.
From inside they hear a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say:
"You, foreigners! come in, come into my humble shop. salaam a leekem!"
So the married couple walks in.
The Pakistani man says to them "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."
Well, the wife after hearing this is really interested in buying the sandals, but her husband feels he really doesn't need them, being the sex god he is.
The husband asks the man, "how could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Pakistani man replies "just try them on."
Well, the husband after much badgering from his wife, finally concedes.
The husband tries them on and gets this wild look in his eyes,
something his wife has not seen in many years, raw sexual power.
In a blink of the eye, the husband rushes the Pakistani man,
throws him on a table and starts tearing at the guys pants.
All the time the Pakistani man is screaming...
" You've got them on the wrong feet!"
Three guys and a girl are marooned on a desert island.
After one week, the girl is so ashamed of what she's doing, she kills herself.
After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing, they bury the girl.
After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing, they dig her up again.
Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.
The doctor walks in and Michael asks:
"Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"
The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker & cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it and it only costs $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample & went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.
He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife & daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
