10. Warhammer 40,000’s timeline takes place 40,000 years after fantasy’s timeline.
9.   Stegadons and salamanders have “to hit” charts for shooting and hand-to-hand but are NOT considered war machines.
8.   Dragon kits now have plastic wings instead of metal AND the price did not lower!
7.   Brettonians are modelled after Empire knights.
6.   New models made of white metal cost the same as the older ones made of pewter.
5.   The translation of Dark Riders in French is Black Knights.
4  . Games Workshop is now selling you new paints, which have less in them, for the same price!
3.   The Brettonians are 700 years younger than the Empire.
2.   The word ‘warhammer’ can be spelt with the letters from ‘Games Workshop’ (besides the correct amount of letters.)

And the number one Warhammer useless fact is…

1 . ‘Skinks’ spelled backwards is’ skniks’.

Written up by Helen Marshall with thanks to all who participated.

> >Are there enough mk7 helmets for all the guys?

Pah!  I have a more important question: are there enough HELMETS for all the guys?

> There are 2 Mk6 helmets, 8 Mk7 helmets, and one bare head on the basic
> marine sprue.
> The sergeant sprue includes an extra bare head, and the land speeder sprue
> includes a Mk7 and a bare head.

Head count: 11 helmet, 3 bare.

> what you intend.  You get 2 Mk6 torsos, 6 Mk7 variant torsos, 2 Mk8 torsos
> on the basic sprue, another Mk7/Mk8 hybrid variant on the sergeant sprue,
> and 2 Mk7 torsos on the speeder sprue.

Body count: 13.  Bloody hell.  What is it about officers that makes them leave a perfectly good piece of armor at home?

Chaplain Drakkar: "Rejoice, Brother Malcor, you have earned this day a great honour!  You shall hence be promoted to Brother-Sergeant!"

Brother Malcor: "Praise be to the Emperor!  His light hath guided me in the darkness of battle, allowing me to bring honour to my chapter and sow the field with the seeds of his enemy's destruction!  His grace hath..."

Drakkar: "Yes, yes.  Praise be.  Now, if you'll just turn your helmet over to the artificiers..."

Malcor: "Beg your pardon?"

Drakkar: "Your helmet.  Turn it in."

Malcor: "But, but... what if a stray shot happens to...?"

Drakkar [grabbing for the helmet]: "Nonsense!  Your faith is your shield! Now fork it over!"

Malcor [dodging around]: "What if I get whacked in the gulliver by a big pointy stick?"

Drakkar: "The Emperor gives you strength to smite his foes!  Give me the bloody thing!"

[much wrestling about ensues]

So am I the only one who thinks marines look better as the faceless warriors of the Empire, rather than as attractive chaps with fearsome grimaces?

More to the point, would anyone be willing to trade helmet head for bare heads when I get them?

> Hello. I have two questions:
> 1. Can anybody give me some advice on how to get rid of those evil Eldar
> warp spiders?

Sure, I think I can help with this one.  I think your entire problem goes back to where you shop for your minis.  It's been reported numerous times on this List that if you purchase them from some of the less reputable gaming stores in Louisianna or parts of the Carribean, you can have all sorts of problems with your figures, what with these stores also dabbling in the art of voodoo in order to stay afoat in the turbulent gaming world. Now, as you may begin to see, some of these store owners posses rather low moral standards, and are not above using their voodoo prowess on the minatures they sell.  This results in some undesireable affects, such as weapons which always break off, paint jobs always coming out horribly wrong, miniatures which tip over if a hummingbird flaps its wings in eastern Zaire, and figures which you can never, ever trade to anyone else. Since you ask how you can get rid of "those evil Eldar warp spiders", it seems that you are afflicted with that last problem.  For the future, one way to get rid of them is not to buy them there in those types of establishments in the first place. But that won't help you with the ones you apparently already have.  Those are a much tougher problem.

You have probably already noted that no-one will ever accept a trade offer for them, it's impossible to give them away, and even if you throw them away, they'll mysteriously appear on your doorstep again within 24 hours.  I have also heard reports that they are indestructible - 12 pound sledge hammers don't scratch them, an oxy-acetylene torch won't phase them, and it's even rumored that the true purpose of original a-bomb test in Nevada was to try to get rid of an evil Inquisitor Tidy-bowl miniature. Appearently, the only change in the figure was a new neo-orange paint scheme. So, you may be thinking, if I can't just give these warp spiders away, and I can't destroy them, what do I do?

Well, your first option is to buck up and just live them.  Sure, have evil minatures in the household may put a strain on your family relationships, but eventually you'll learn to live with the evil.  Having a little bit of evil around the house never hurt anyone too severly. Besides, they should really help out with your Halloween parties.

Your second option is to try and return the evil miniatures, asking the store owner from whom you purchased them to exchange them with some less evil figures, or if you're lucky some normal ones. However, since this usually requires that you have an original reciept for both the purchase and your soul, it may be quite a hassle.  You could try and report the store to the Better Business Bureau, but do you really want to mess with someone who makes evil minatures?  I don't think so.

Finally, you can try and break the evil spell which was put on your miniatures.  I have never persoanlly heard of a sucessful attempt at doing this - since some of the ingredients for the counter spell include rubber chickens, Bloodthisters base-coated in your own blood, 40k license plates, drinking some of the more noxious Citadel paints such as Smelly Primer, and getting busy in a parking lot, its no wonder all previous attempts have failed.  Personally, I'd suggest going back to option one. But if you try this one out, let me know how it goes.

Well, I hope that I've taken care of your dilemma.  If you have any more questions, feel free to ask - that's what we're here for.

...and they shall pave the road to Glory with thy skulls.

                                                     Graham Sheckels

"Oi, it woz brillig, and da slythee tovz
Did Gyre un Gimbal in da wabe
All Mimzy were da burogoves,
And da momrathz otgabe

Beware da JabbaOrk, ladz
Da jawz dat bite, Da Klawz dat katch
Beware da JubJub Mek
And shun the Frumuous Bandersnatch

With his chainsword in hand
Long time the maxim foe he looked
He came at last to a TumTum tree
And stood a while pickin' 'is noze.

And ans in uffish pick he stood,
The JabbaOrk with eyez of flame
Came whifling through the turgly wood,
And Waaaaaaghed! as it came!

Wun Too! Wun Too, And through and though!
His chainsword went Buzzzzzzzz!
He left it dead, and wit' itz 'ead,
He went galumphing back!

And didst you kill da JabbaOrk?
Come to my armz, my Orkish boy!
Oh Frabous day! Ka-hoo Ka-hay
He chortled in his joy.

"Oi, it woz brillig, and da slythee tovz
Did Gyre un Gimbal in da wabe
All Mimzy were da burogoves,
And da momrathz otgabe

*** With abject apologies to Lewis Carroll....

jmt

J. Michael Tisdel

To the tune of the Oscar Mayer commercial

My chaos god has a first name, it's K-H-O-R-N-E
My chaos god has a second name, it's B-L-O-O-D-G-O-D
I revel in slaughter for him every day
And if you ask me why I'll say
'Cause psychosurgery has a way
Of making me want to kill and slay.

To the tune of Camptown Ladies

The World Eaters sing this song, do-dah, do-dah
We kill in Khorne's name all day long, oh do-dah day.
Sacrifice all night
Hack 'n slash all day
Threw our support with Horus, soon the Imperium will pay.

...and they shall resume the paving of the road to Glory after a brief stint on Broadway.

                                                        Graham Sheckels

Well, we all know about psychology ie. fear, terror in the warhammer world. But how many of you have considered using psychology as a ( non-magical, sorry ) weapon? In this spirit, I present, < drum roll > 50 ways to confuse your opponent ( works best if you will never see them again! )

1. Bring a hand puppet. Question it constantly as to what is the best
course of action.
2. Bring a small model coffin with undertakers. Everytime a model dies,
escort it off the battlefield and give it model funeral. Remember to hum
the funeral theme tune.
3. Bring a falsified rulebook ( hours of fun ).
4. Shave your head. Paint your skin green. Wear a nose ring. Grunt a lot.
5. Flip a coin at the start of the game. After observing the outcome, claim
that you have won the game. Look upset if your opponent denies this. Sulk.
6. Bring 20 printed pages of notes and intellectual-looking glasses. Refuse
to let your opponent look at them. Refer to them throughout the game. Speak
aloud as you read- "he's gone there, so contigency plan 8a means that I
should..."
7. Insist opponent rolls all your dice for you. Complain and insult your
opponent if you get any bad rolls.
8. Before the game, do a little dance and motion to the gods. Curse your
opponent dramatically.
9. Arrive before your opponent. Set up your army and then take the other
side of the table. Act as if you are expecting to play with your opponent's
army.
10. Add a spring loading system to your cannon. Bring lots of ball
bearings.
11. Bring a plastic kid's sword and 'challenge' your opponent. If he
refuses, claim you have won the game through his forfeit.
12. Play dead if your general dies.
13. Bring a Land-raider model from 40K. Leave it sitting conspicuously on
your side of the table. Make cryptic references to the power of lascannon
in WHFB.
14. Complain that you don't think you can trust your hero.
15. Act as if you are a sports commentator. Commentate on the game.
Incessantly.
16. Ask politely if your opponent wouldn't kill your general. Explain that
its his birthday.
17. Bring a smoke machine. Insist on recreating the "fog of war".
18. Sacrifice a goblin to Mork before the game. Saw off its head with a
craft knife.
19. Arrange models in a diorama in the middle of the battle. Take photos
for a "battle report."
20. Sharpen your goblins' spears before the game with a craft knife. Grin
widely.
21. Cackle diabolically. "The World is mine! Nothing can stop me now!"
22. State before the game that you are playing for the title of the
champion of the universe.
23. Feel the personal loss of every soldier. "Alas, poor Yorrick, I knew
him well."
24. Lament the woes of war loudly. Faint when a model dies.
25. Add sound FX. Kaboom!
26. Ask if you can have TV rights to the game.
27. Just to surprise your opponent, agree amicably with and compliment your
opponent!
28. Declare that you are opposed to the senseless destruction of our
forests. Refuse to let him kill your treeman. Refuse to let him move
through woods.
29. Insist on a lunch break for your troops. Bring a model Mr. Whippy van.
30. Explain that you are a pacifist. Call off the game immediately.
31. Order your miniatures in your best Sergeant-Major voice. "Quick march,
on the double- hut!"
32. Ask if your opponent is opposed to nuclear warfare. Carry a small
spherical device. Give no other reasons.
33. Wear a crown. Say that you are the "Lord of the Galaxy". Get a horde of
admirers to cheer you on.
34. Bring a stuffed, shaved poodle. Say it is your mascot.
35. Grow a Hitler moustache and wear a swastika. 'Discipline' your troops
if they fail to salute you.
36. Cheer on your miniatures.
37. Hide under the table at the start of the game. Make your opponent drag
you out. Speak in a nervous whisper. Confide in him that you are scared of
his troops.
38. Leave a false army list lying around. Snatch it back angrily if your
opponent starts to read it, but leave it visible.
39. Pull out an ace surreptiously ( but obviously ) from your sleeve during
the magic phase. Look pleased. Try to play it.
40. Keep a deck of M:tG cards handy. When you are told it is "the magic
phase" bring out the cards and start to shuffle them. Ask if he wants to
cut your deck.
41. Speak in skaven. Neek- Neek!
42. Tell him you've brought weighted dice. Complain about the uselessness
of modern technology when you start to roll ones.
43. Bring a lamp. Rub it and make three wishes before the game. Look at
your opponent accusingly if they don't immediately come true. Ask him if
he's used it.
44. Ask what year it is. Ask where you are. Ask what game you are going to
play. If he says warhammer, bring out an antique mallet and hit him with
it. Smile a corny grin.
45. Make references to a spy/traitor in his army.
46. Don't place your wizard on the board at the start of the game. At the
end of your deployment, use a small explosive device to create a smoke
screen and place down the wizard behind it while you yell, "poof!". When
the smoke dissipates, say, "Tadaa!"
47. Have a history written for every trooper. Start a family feud.
48. Poor cheese sauce all over your opponent's army. Complain that it is
cheesy.
49. Come with an army painted completely fluoro purple. Wear dark glasses.
50. Attempt to bribe your opponent's characters. Turn away quickly if your
opponent looks at you questioningly. Deny everything.

'Twas the night before Christmas;

throughout the Old World,

The armies were camped and their banners were furled.

The clamor of battle had finally ceased,

All races observing a Christmastime peace.

Each force in its barracks, each fleet in its haven,

No creature was stirring, not even a Skaven.

The dreams of the elf-lords were distant and deep;

The Orcs lay in rows, snoring "waagghhh" in their sleep.

Your humble narrator had blown out the light,

Set the brushes to rinse and turned in for the night,

And, stealing back blankets usurped by my love,

I was just dozing off...when I heard from above

Such a clatter of hooves! Were we under attack?

Our rooftop assaulted by Arkhan the Black?

I dashed to the parlour in nightshirt and cap

And loaded my crossbow in case of a scrap.

But who should pop out of the fireplace flue

Than old Santa himself! With a bulging sack too!

He shook himself off and went under the tree,

To set out some gifts for my lady and me.

He spun round to face me (which gave me a fright)

And said "You two were last on my list for tonight,

"In your world, that is. But I've work yet to do...

"There are other realms out there that need Christmas, too!"

And he pulled out more gifts, moving faster than light:

"I must get these sent out through the kingdoms tonight!

"A hatchet for Morglum that sings as it hews;

"A reinforced hatrack for Teclis to use;

"A cape for Karl Franz with a griffon-fur trim,

"A mustachio wax kit for Volkmar the Grim,

"A new cloak for Mannfred, all lined in red satin,

"A scabbard for Heinrich with etched words in Latin,

"A chew-toy for Scyla; for Arbaal a book

"(To write down the names of the heroes he's cooked),

"A tankard for Thorgrim, brim-full of good beer....

"And the Witch-King gets coal. For the six thousandth year."

And then, to my shock, he knelt down on the floor

Near a mousehole I just hadn't noticed before

And he squeezed in some boxes, all wrapped with great care;

Then Saint Nick hollered out, "Merry Christmas down there!"

"I'm sending down presents for all of your folk-

"A new knife for Sniktch and some mouthwash for Skrolk,

"A wrench set for Ikit, a mirror for Queek

"And a snuffbox for Thanquol...you're welcome! Neek Neek!"

His labours now done, Santa went on his way.

He rose up the chimney and boarded his sleigh.

He snatched up the reins, oh so jolly and spry,

Then he called to his team, and the reindeer Flew High.

But I heard him exclaim as he clove through the blue

"Merry Christmas To All! (hope games workshop won't sue!)"

By Tox

If you have any gaming humour then feel free to submit it.