My Story
I listed above several of the reasons why I wanted to create this page. However, my main reason for creating it, is far more personal. I suffer from anorexia nervosa... even now it still horrifys me to type it, or say it for that matter. Still one thing I've learned is that denying my problem won't make it go away.
I've been suffering with eating disorders for years, I couldn't tell you when it all began, because honestly I don't even know. I've been overweight my entire life, its always the way I was and I just accepted it. In grade school I was chubby, by highshool I was obese and by college morbidly obese. Still I never realized there was a problem. I know now that I was a compulsive overeater, and without even being aware of it I went to great lengths to hide my problem. When I ate with others, I would never overeat. I ate the same amount of food as the people I was with, never more. However, when I was alone I would binge whenever I could. I bought food and hid it, and when I got the chance I would sit and gorge myself, I'd eat and eat...until I was so stuffed I couldn't possibly eat another bite. I binged that way for years, and ended up so overweight that I couldn't bear to look at myself in a mirror, it made me cringe. One day all that changed.....
I woke up one morning last november, and it was like something had snapped inside me. I had this incredible feeling of being smothered, and it was hard to breathe. I began what I referred to as a *diet* that day...and I haven't looked back since. My diet spiraled out of control faster than I could have possibly anticipated, and within a month I had begun starving myself. Friends noticed immediately and warned me of the dangers of what I was doing. Their caring advice fell on deaf ears though, I was already entrapped in the ED...and quite frankly I didn't want out. I was losing weight for the first time in my life, shedding pounds faster than I thought possible...killing myself. Yes, killing myself...I read once that an eating disorder is a slow form of suicide, I denied it when I first read it, but I know now that it's true. My friends watched me as I became thinner, and grew more and more concerned. Some cried and pleaded with me to get help, others became angry and frustrated...but all of them worried and were unsure about how to help me.
What I hope they realize now is that they help me by just being here. Whenever I need to talk, one of them is there to listen. When I cry, one of them is there to hold me, and when I lose hope they're here to remind me of how much I have to fight for. I'm trying to beat this, I want to be able to look in the mirror and like what I see, and more importantly, I want to learn how love myself. I'm not there yet, everyday is struggle I won't lie to you or myself about that. I've spent too much of my time lying since I became anorectic and I'm sick of it. I have days when I don't eat, or when I restrict severely. I have days when I abuse pills, and workout till I'm ready to drop. My health has suffered greatly because of the disorder, and some of the damage is irreversible. But, I also have days when I feel wonderful, energetic, and happy. Days when eat with some semblance of normalcy and actually enjoy the food. There are days when I actually feel good about myself, and I fight for more those of days and for a time when those days will be in the majority rather than the minority.
I am creating this page with the sincere hope of helping others overcome this disease. If even one person visits this page, and from it finds the strength to stand up to the monster inside them....then I have succeeded. I can vividly remember the fear that surrounded me when I realised that something was wrong with me, I was desperate to know I was not alone. I wanted to know everything there was to know about eating disorders, and find a way to help myself work through this. In my search I found many wonderful sites that help to educate me about these diseases, and I made lots of friends that help support me when I am in need. You can find alot of information online about eating disorders and I know you will find it to be invaluable. However, what you find on here should not be taken as medical advice, and it should not replace the care of a doctor. If you think that either you or a loved one may have an eating disorder then I urge you to seek help from a qualified professional, you don't have to go through this alone.
Some information for those who suffer from eating disorders
How to help your friend or loved one
Poetry, the language of eating disorders
Let's talk...how to contact me
