Serving greater Schmoeville since 1862
Vol 1......Editor in Chief: Wally
Abercrombie...... Janurary 20, 1999
Scandal in
Schmoeville?
O'Leary's Cow Starts
Fire
An
elderly woman, identified as Mrs
Mary Margaret O'Leary, formally of
Chicago Illinois, reported there was a
fire on her property late Monday Night.
Apparently O'Learys cow, "Bessy",
knocked over a latern in the barn. The
fire spread quickly. Flames engulfed the
structure within minutes. The elderly
woman barely escaped with her life.
O'Leary said "I knew I had to git outta
thar, but Poor ol' Bessy needed
rescu'in'. I tried to git her out, but
that dern cow was so scared she almost
trampled me ta death!" The fire was
contained to the barn, thanks to a quick
response by the Schmoeville volunteer
Fire Department. O'Leary is planning a
free BBQ Beef dinner this Sunday at the
Congressional Church.
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Rumors rock
Schmoeville
Rumors
have once again filled the air in
Schmoeville. Not since the "Wanted
Chicken" caper, has there been such
a flood of rumors. According to an
anonymous inside source, the Coop
& Fowl Detective Agency is investigating
a major scandal. The agency has refused
a request for an interview, and would
not comment on the rumors. Fred
Willamucker, a local barber, said he
heard it was something to do with "them
peaches." The local barber would not
comment on anything more that he heard.
However it was learned that Fred is hard
of hearing. Therefore it is difficult
to determine exactly, what it was that
he heard.
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Woman Sues Beauty
Parlor
Sarah Jean
Grimsley and Boujangles Beauty
Salon & Feed Store will settle their
differences in court. Ms Grimsley claims
her hairdresser, Ruby McClyde, willfully
dyed her hair the wrong color. Sarah
Jean stated Ruby's actions were
motivated by jealousy. Apparently Ms
Grimsley, dated Bernie Zoowhacker, a
former lover of McClydes'. When asked
to comment, the hairdresser said "This
is the most ridiculous thing I ever
heard. She (Sarah Jean) came in and
asked for a fancy original hairdo for
the Square Dance on Saturday night. As
for that worthless two-timing good fer
nuttin' bum Bernie, she can have him!" |
Buy a piece of the
moon
Local resident BuBBa
Balfordeese announced today, that he was selling lots on the moon. BuBBa claims
he has obtained exclusive rights and
ownership of the entire moon surface.
He is still trying to obtain mineral
rights as well. The lots, which are
divided into 10 acre parcels, sell for
$1,500 each. Mr Balfordeese stated,
"This here is a great opp'tunity fer
folks ta stake a claim on land which
hardly been used!" The newly crowned
"Man on the Moon" went on to say, "If'in the world keeps gittin' more pop-lated,
thar aint gonna be e'nuff room to plants ya one stalk of corn."
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