Serving greater Schmoeville since 1862
Vol 1......Editor in Chief: Wally
Abercrombie...... Janurary 27, 1999
Mayor releases
statement
Mayor releases statment
Mayor
Torpedo Joe has released the following
statement regarding the ongoing
investigation by Coop & Fowl Detective
Agency. "As you may well know, this
administration has always maintained an
open door policy. We feel it is
important for our citizens to have
complete access to local government. As
Mayor, I am greatly concerned with the
opinions and concerns of my
constituents. To this end, I have
always endevored to meet with our
citizens on a one to one basis, as often
as possible. The Mayors office has
never had any information, or prior
knowledge, of any corrupt or
inappropriate behavior of any
individual. Nor is it the policy of this
office to investigate the backgrounds of
our residents. However, should any
concerns arise regarding one of my staff
members, I would be more than willing to
cooperate in any manner necessary."
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Mayor Torpedo, Bastard
Child
An elderly woman
released shocking evidence that Mayor
Torpedo Joe is actually her illegitiment
son. A woman, known only as Swampwoman,
released the information from her
Florida home. Although she declined to
release the name of the father, it is
believed he is from upstate New York. To
avoid publicity, the woman had
originally stated she found the child
being raised by a family of possums and
took him in as her own child. She
recanted her story late last night,
after, over forty years of silence.
Sparked by controversy ignited by the
ongoing investigation by the Coop & Fowl
Detective Agency, the woman gave the
reason for the revelation. "I jist
wanted to set the record straight, once
and fer all! That thar Coop an' Fowl
was spreadin' vicious rumors bout me an'
my son, and I done had enuff." The
Mayors statement regarding the
investigation had already been released.
When contacted to comment on this new
development, the Mayor simply stated,
"No comment."
Swampwomans Press Release
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Coop Detectives May be
Foul
The Coop and Fowl
Detective Agency relocated to
Schmoeville from Oklahoma City,
Oklahoma. The move reportedly came after
several complaints arose about their
investigation tatics. The State
District Attorney and Attorney General
issued seperate statements regarding the
Agency late last night. Assistant
District Attorney Milly Street stated, "
No formal charges have been brought
against the Coop and Fowl Detective
Agency. However we are working in
cooperation with the State Attorney
Generals Office to verify the complaints
made against the agency." The assistant
D.A went on to say, "If any
inpropriaties are found, our office will
not hesitate to final formal charges."
In a seperate statment, a a spokesman
for the Attorney General issued the
following statement. A complaint has
been made, that the Coop and Fowl
Detective Agency used illegal wiretaps,
as well as ilegal search and seizure of
several businesses and residences. The
great state of Oklahoma has a zero
tolerance regarding this type of
behavior by any Law enforcement
officials or Agencies. It is the policy
of this office to prosecute those
individuals to the fullest extent of the
law." The management of The Coop and
Fowl Detective agency couldn't be
reached for comment.
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Schmoeville set for
Winter Festival
Schmoevilles annual
Winter Festival will be held on February
21st and 22nd, the Mayors office
announced today. Festivities will
include sleigh rides, a snowman building
contest, and the ever popular "Hit the
Mayor with a snowball" charity event.
Food and merchandise booths will also
line Main St, offering a variety of
treats. Anyone interested in renting
booth space should contact Betty
Bohopper, at the Schmoeville Chamber of
Commerece. Or call 555-9091 for more
information.
Feds Lower Intrest
Rate
The Federal Government
announced the are once again lowering
the prime intrest rate. This came as
good news for Schmoeville Residents. Due to the lower intrest rate, the town
Treasurer announced at the City Council
Meeting, that the value of the Schmoe
had increased by 10%. Although property
values remained the same, buying a home
in Schmoeville will be less expensive.
With the new interest rate, experts are
predicting a 5.5% increase in
Schmoevilles population by the year
2001.
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