Vol 1......Editor in Chief: Wally Abercrombie...... February 3, 1999

Famous Lawyer to Defend Mayor

Coop & Fowl Detective Wins Role Photo by:Lady Oh Coop & Fowl Detective Omnipotent1, won the starring role in this years, Schmoeville Players production of, Phantom of the Opera. Producers said it was the detectives stunning resemblence to the character which helped him win the role. "Besides, we saved a hundred bucks on the costume alone. He was already dressed for the part." That according to Biff Macaheny, stage manager. No mention was made as to the detectives' skills as an actor. However according to the stage manager, "He aint no Richard Burton, I can tell ya that!"

D.C Lawyer To Take Case Washington D.C.....Famed Washington D.C Attorney, A. Nash Hole announced today he will take on the case against Mayor Torpedo Joe. The attorney, known for several high profile cases, made several observations about the case. "There have been many accusations made against the Mayor of Schmoeville. But there has never been one shred of evidence to substanciate these accusations. We intend to prove that this entire case is based on libelious, self motivated slander. I have also been in contact with the Oklahoma State Attorney General, and State District Attorney, who are presently investigating The Coop & Fowl Detective Agency. When all is said and done, the Mayors reputation will be intact!"

Grand Jury Ponders Indictment This Friday, the Grand Jury will consider indictment of longtime Schmoeville resident BuBBa Balfordeese. Charges include mail fraud, wiretapping, and perjury. Should the Grand jury hand down an indictment, a lengthy trial is expected. There are reportedly over twenty witnesses which will be called to testify. Including Mr. Balfordeeses' wife, Wannita and revered and well loved Schmoeville resident Joe Schmoe. The Schmoeville District Attorneys office made the announcement Wednesday evening in a special news conference. D.A spokesman Clive Witherow commented on the stunning announcement. "The decision to bring indictment charges was made by Schmoeville District Attorney, Jane Nevada. All information regarding the indictment was held in strict confidence within the D.A's office. No one outside of her office was ever advised, or had prior knowledge, that charges were being considered. A lengthy investigation has just been concluded, and it will now be up to the Grand Jury to decide whether formal charges will be brought against Mr. Balfordeese."

Schmoeville's New Resident Photo by:Lady Oh Schmoeville recently gained it's newest resident. However, the woman affectionately known as Swampwoman is no stranger to Schmoeville. She has made several trips to our fair city from her home in Ocala Florida, to visit her son Torpedo Joe. Although hesitant at first to leave the warmth and sunshine of Florida, she was finally convinced to make the move to Schmoeville. Swampwoman has four other siblings, she refers to as her "Swampkids". Diann, Kitty, Gator (Tony) and JR. Swampwoman says she'll keep her place in Florida as a winter vacation home, and office for her Dancing Chicken Water-Ski Show. The show, which has received rave reviews, was reportedly the brainstorm of Schmoevilles beloved Joe Schmoe. While in Schmoeville, Swampwoman plans on organizing a "If'in the drawers don't fit, ya caint convict" grassroots organization. The focus of the group will be to clear her son of allegations made against him.