Vol 1......Editor in Chief: Wally Abercrombie...... February 16, 1999

"Slick Willy" Visits Schmoeville

Movie Store Opens With the arrival of Schmoevilles newest resident, Ilene Dover, also comes a Movie Store. The store, unamed as of yet, will be a welcome surprise to the community. Until now, movie watchers had to travel twenty miles to the nearest video store. Leroy Warner, owner of the Schmoeville Theatre was concerned about ticket sales. "With them new fangled video's, people aint gonna want to go to da movies no more. Who knows, if'in it gits bad, might have ta shut 'er down." The Schmoeville Chamber of Commerece called the statement "Sour grapes". Not much is known about Ilene Dover. It is rumored however that she is formally from San Francisco California. When asked about the opening of the new store, the Mayor had this to say. "I'm glad to see that commerce is taking an upswing. Our residents should have the finest stores and services available."

"Slick Willy" makes Quick Appearance Staff Photo "Slick Willy", also known as Mr. President, made an unexpected brief stop in Schmoeville. After his announcement that the million dollar reward was a hoax, "Willy" decide to come find out what all the hoopla was about. "I deeply regret what I have done. I have mislead and lied to the good people of Schmoeville", was the only statement made by the president. Mayor Torpedo Joe met with "Slick" only long enough to enjoy a Cheeseburger lunch from their favorite burger joint. However it was reported that the two hit it off, very well. When it was learned that Queen Monica was also in town, for the screening of her new movie, the President made a hasty exit out of town. Escorted by the Secret Service to an unknown location.

F.B.I Questions Witness Staff Photo The F.B.I has begun questioning a witness, in the investigation of Buford Balfordees, also known as BuBBa. The witness, identified only as J.S. was questioned for five hours. This photo of the witness was taken as he was lead away by F.B.I Agents. Due to sophisticated camera image blockers, known to be used by the F.B.I, the photo was blurry at best. It is also beleived the image blockers can also manipulate images. Therefore it is difficult to tell if this indeed is a true photo of the witness. It is not known what testimony "J.S" gave, or their true identity. It was learned however, the witness is a long time resident of Schmoeville. It is also beleived the secret witness is a long time pal of the Mayor. F.B.I Special Agent in charge of the investigation, Joe Mundane, made a brief statement. "Our witness has provided valueable information, which will help to convict the notorious moonshiner, known as BuBBa."

Mayor Sends B-Day Wishes The Mayor sent birthday wishes to a woman in Santa Cruz California today. Who the woman is and her age, is not known. However sources say she wishes to remain "ageless" The woman known only as "Jzebell" is believed to be Torpedo Joe's real mother. That despite the announcement by Schmoeville resident, Swampwoman, that she was his "Ma" It is known that the woman, also a former resident of New York, moved to California in 1966. About the same time Torpedo Joe moved there as a child. The Mayor would not comment on who the woman is. The only thing he would say was, "I regret I cant be there in person to help her celebrate." Western Union representitives stated the Mayor has kept them busy, sending numerous telegrams to the woman. Unconfirmed reports stated one telegram read, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM! EAT CAKE AND BE HAPPY!". Regardless of who this woman is, we at the Schmoeville Gazette would like to wish her a Happy Birthday. She should also know the Mayor holds her in the highest regards. As he put it, "She is a very special and wonderful Woman!"