Vol 1......Editor in Chief: Wally Abercrombie...... February 24, 1999

ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT

Staff Photo Joe Schmoe Targeted By Assassin In a violent, yet futile attempt, a man tentitively identified as Buford Balfordeese, also known as BuBBa, tried to assassinate Joe Schmoe. After hearing reports last week, of Joe Schmoe being the possible witness against him,the man tentitively identified as BuBBa, took matters into his own hands. Fortunately for Mr. Schmoe, police intervened before Balfordeese could pull the trigger. Staff photographers caught the action, as it happened.When asked about the incident, Joe Schmoe had this to say. "I no know what BuBBa so mad about. I aint no informant, and dun know anybodies from the F.B.I" Mr Balfordeese narrowly escaped capture, by jumping onto a passing garbage truck and hiding under the refuse. An all points bulletin has been issued for information leading to the arrest of the fugitive. Meanwhile, F.B.I. Special Agent in charge, Joe Mundane said,"The identity of our witness has not been comprimised, and they are currently in protective custody". The agent went on to say, "We dont know who this Schmoe character is, but he has nothing to do with our investigation".

Schmoeville Winter Festival a Hit! Schmoevilles annual Winter Festival was a "Smash hit!" That according to Chamber of Commerce spokesperson Betty Bohopper. People from all over attended this years festivities. It is estimated that over 20,000 people attended the two day event. One of the most popular events, was the "Hit the Mayor in the face with a Snowball" Charity Fundraiser. This one event raised over 5,000 dollars. The proceeds will go towards computors for the local schools. The Chamber of Commerece also reported there were more food and merchandise booths this year than in anyother year. In all, nearly 50,000 dollars was raised by the event. Merchants also prospered by this years attendance. Local Pizza Parlor owner Louie Schmoesmelly said "Business, she was'a wonderfull. That's'a fine way for'a Schmoeville to get'ta people into'a town. The'a mayor, he should'a be commended on'a fine job promoting our city." Other merchants, such as gift shop owner Wanda Whickmieser also praised the mayor. " Ya know, that mayor Torpedo guy, he gots some smarts. promoting Schmoeville like he does. Why with just what I made this weekend, I can finally get that boob job I've always wanted. Ya know like Patsy Flatsy got last year. Cept' I got more ta work with. That mayor fella' oughta be proud, if ya get my drift."

Coop & Fowl Trouble Continues It was learned that the investigation into alleged inpropriorties by the Coop & Fowl Detective Agency took a strange twist. Federal and local law enforcement agents including the DEA armed with a search warrant, stormed the Detective Agencies former office, located in Oklahoma City Oklahoma, yesterday. A search of the office, turned up numerous adult videos as well as filming equipment and other devices. One camera was reportedly found hidden in a wall of the agencies bathroom. Further investigation turned up a secret studio in the basement. Among items recovered in the raid, were handcuffs, whips, chains and oddly enough whipped cream. Authorities haven't gathered enough evidence to directly link the detectives to all the material. However while agents were conducting the search, an unidentified woman showed up, looking for "Agent Hooter", as she called him. Police interrogated the woman for several hours. A police spokesman released the following statement. "This is one of the largest pronography operations we've seen. A virtual Porno Hell! At first it appeared the material was planted here after the agency moved out. However, new evidence leads us to believe that the dectective agency did in fact play a role in this operation". The police investigation is continuing. Meanwhile, the Coop & Fowl Detectives could not be reached for comment at their new Schmoeville office located in Torpedo Towers.

New Resident Missing It was only last week when we announced the arrival of Ilene Dover, to Schmoeville. Since that time, no one has seen or heard from her. Authorities have no leads on friends or family members to contact, other than Ilene's Boyfriend Ben Dover. (No relation) However authorites have been unsucessfull in attempts to contact the mysterious Mr. Dover. The local movie store owned by the missing resident, has never opened for business. Leading authorities to suspect foul play. The woman described as young and very attractive was last seen at her residence on, When I Dropped Ave, a week ago last Friday. A local Welcome Wagon contingent showed up at the womans doorstep on Saturday, only to find the woman wasn't home. It wasnt until Thursday when neighbors began to get suspicious. Ms. Dover was a described as having a very bubbly personality, and very outgoing. Always taking time to chat with her neighbors. As one neighbor, known as "Aunt Beebee" put it, "She was so friendly and loved to chat! Why the day she moved in we spent hours talking about putting up preserves and exchanging recipes. It's just like her to disappear all of the sudden!" Police are interviewing neighbors, and asking anyone with information as to the whereabouts of Ms. Dover, to contact the Schmoeville Police Department. Police have also set a hotline for anyone with any information. The number is 4UI-LENE.