Vol 1......Editor in Chief: Wally Abercrombie...... March 3, 1999

Council Raises the Mayor's Value

New Currency Unveiled The City Council voted unanimously to issue new currency, featuring the mayors' picture. This despite growing unrest over the current investigation. According to City Councilman Bert Havershaw, "Mr Torpedo Joe has contributed quite a lot to our community. I think its a great privalage for us to honor him in this way". Cheers and jeers were heard at the council meeting as the announcement was made. One unidentified spectator could hardly control their rage. "This here's an outrage! The man is bein 'vestigated for criminal activities, and they wants ta put his picture on our money!" Another spectator countered the previous statement by saying, "Torpedo Joe has not been convicted of any wrong doing. I think once the smokes clears, all the allegations will be dropped". The woman refused to be identified. Councilwoman Helen Waite, who was expected to be the lone holdout for a unanimous vote, changed her mind at the last moment. "I did a lot of soul searching" she said, "The mayor has done a lot of good for our community and for the people He should always be remembered for being a leader of the community as well as a kind and gentle human being".

Unknown Photographer Mayor Celebrates Mayor Torpedo Joe celebrated his 42nd birthday yesterday. Some inside sources say the mayor spent a quiet evening with friends. However there were unconfirmed reports that he was seen at the local tavern, Smitty's Smut House. Several people claim the mayor was being very loud and obnoxious. One patron of the bar, who wishes to remain anonymous, said he saw the mayor stuffing five-dollar bills down the undergarments of one of the performers. An anonymous photographer provided the gazette with a photo, they claim, is of the mayor at that very same establishment. The mayor would not comment on the rumors. Stating only, that he had come come with the flu, and would make no public appearances for a couple of days. He is not expected to return to work until next Monday.

Detective Agency Attacked Coop & Fowl Detective Agency was the target of a ruthless attack over the weekend. A woman identified as Swampwoman stormed the office carrying a sawed off shotgun. Once inside, she started threatening the detectives. "I'll blow ever dagnabbed one of ya'll egg suckin dawgs ta kingdom come afore I'll let ya'll hound my pore lil baby son th' way yore a doing" The woman then pointed the shotgun at the ceiling and discharged it several times. Police were dispatched to the scene immediately. Hearing the police sirens nearing the woman yelled, "So I'm hyar ta tell you bunch o' so called deefective detectives that they aint nary one o' ya'll got sense e'nuff to pour pee out o' a boot wit da directions on da heel" With that she stormed out of the Detectives office, after shattering the front door with double ought buckshot. No one was injured in the mishap. Police are still searching for the woman, and stated her arrest is expected soon. Anyone with information as to her whereabouts is urge to contact police.

Missing Resident Alive and Well Missing Schmoeville resident Ilene Dover, returned to Schmoeville over the weekend. It was learned, she had gone to a friends house to gather some possesions, left over from her move to Schmoeville. Apparently she and her friends were having such a good time, Ms Dover decided to stay an extra week. When questioned about her disappearance, Dover stated, "I left a message on the mayors answering machine. I told him we would have to delay the grand opening of the movie store for another week. I guess he didn't get the message". A citywide search for the woman began when she was reported missing over a week ago. A hotline was also set up for information as to her whereabouts. Ms Dover was overcome by the concern of the community. "You set up a hotline and everything, how sweet." In a related story, the Mayor reported Joe Schmoe was responsible for the missing message, and has lost his phone privlages for two weeks.