"Tell me a story," Link said to Navi one evening. "You always tell me a story before you tuck me in, and don't forget to make pictures, too!"

"Listen!" Navi commanded. "First off, I'm too small to tuck your hair into that hat-thing of yours, not to mention tucking you into bed. Second, we're in the middle of a field with..." She paused as Link destroyed a mini-skeleton that had just popped out of the ground like a daisy. "With skeletons popping out of the ground like daisies!"

Link stuck out his bottom lip and pouted.

"Hey. I'm sorry, Link. I haven't slept for a few centuries, so I'm a little grouchy right now. Just tell me what story you would like to hear tonight."

"Tell me a story about a beautiful princess in distress and a daring young hero who rescues her!"

Navi eyed Link skeptically. "This is story time, not a reality show, kid. But okaaay...," she smiled sweetly. "Once upon a time," Navi began.

"Aw, c'mon! They all start that way! Make up a new start!"

Navi glared at Link as only kind, gentle, innocent faeries can glare. She gave in to Link's request though. "It was a dark and stormy night..."

"Heard it." Link interrupted.

Navi glanced at the overcast sky and muttered, "Hey, I thought you wanted reality..." But she smiled again (though this time her smile was more like saccharine than sugar) and tried a third time. "Okay, so, there was this princess, see? And she, like, had this perfect life. Her name was Lelda. Her life could have been totally rockin', but this dude named Ganondorf showed up."

"Show me pictures, Navi! You promised!"

Navi slapped her near-microscopic hand to her near-microscopic forehead. She sang a happy little ditty and a girl who looked amazingly like princess Zelda appeared in the sky just above their heads. The girl was then hauled up by a huge ugly guy who looked like he had visited too many Bozo sales lately.

Link frowned. "Wow, for a dorf, he sure is big, isn't he?" He commented as he smashed another skeleton.

"That's dwarf, not dorf! Gee, Link who educated you anyway?"

"The great Deku Tree, duh. And since when is there a bad guy named Ganondwarf?"

"There isn't!"

"But you said..."

"Let's just get back to the story, okay?" Navi cleared her throat. "It was a bright and sunny morning. The kind of morning when little red-heads wearing Bowser pendants get stuck milking cows because their lazy fathers who look amazingly like Italian plumbers sleep the day away. The princess was kidnapped and no one knew about it except one person."

"Who, Navi? Whooooo?"

"Whooooo is right. A big owl with too much to say was the only one who survived to tell the story. He flew off to a wood full of elf kids who never grow up and waited for one of them to venture out of the woods which they never left."

"But Navi, that's dumb! I don't like dumb stuff!"

"Then don't look in the mirror," Navi muttered.

"Huh?" Link stared blankly at her.

"Oh, nothing. Well, anyway, this poor, innocent, tired faery got drafted to lead one of the elf boys away from his sheltered life."

"That's just mean...!"

"I know, child. The faery was very tired too... But where was I? Ahh yes, after crawling around a dark, spider infested Uked tree, the little boy became miraculously stronger by bumping a floating heart, and he set off to rescue the princess Lelda and save the world of Logovern. This boy with a will of iron was named... Zink!"

Link pondered this for a moment. "Do I know these people Navi? Their names sound familiar to me."

Navi chuckled. "No, my dear Link. There's NO way you could possibly know them. Don't worry about this being some boring old real-life story."

"Oh, goody!" Link said, reassured by Navi's statement. He clapped his hands and realized almost too late that he had set his sword down. He grabbed his over-sized nail file and hacked the oncoming skeleton to tiny bits. Link sighed. "Shadows and dust, Navi. That's all they are, aren't they?"

She raised a tiny eyebrow. "Aren't you being a wee bit too philosophical for this time of night? I thought it upset your stomach."

"True. Okay Navi, get back to the story. By the way, does it end soon? Does the hero save the princess? Are we there yet? Where is this 'there' anyway?"

"Hey! Link! Hello! Listen! Do you want me to finish this story or not?"

Not being accustomed to having Navi's full shouting vocabulary yelled at him in one breath, Link shut up immediately.

"Much better. Now, Zink went on many adventures. He met the guys who played pavement in the Flintstones movies, he met not-so-big not-so-bad wolves, he shot poor innocent spiders, blew up one of the world's last remaining dinosaurs and because of that, he has been haunted by dead environmentalists to this day. Zink met some freaky fish-men and an ugly, bossy, manipulative fish princess."

"OOOH! She sounds like more fun than boring, nice, pretty Lelda."

"Yeah, well... let's see how you feel after you've spent some time with her. She likes to give...kisses!"

"Ewwwww! Kisses are full of cooties!"

"I figured you'd see it that way. After a few more adventures, Zink is locked away for the remainder of his childhood. When he wakes up, he discovers two things. First, he has grown up quite a bit. Second, he has a pierced ear."

"Ewwwww! That's for girls!"

"Look, I don't have time for this. Do you want the story to end or not?!"

"You know what? I don't like being yelled at by a bossy, annoying faery. You know what else? You get in my way, Navi! I hate you! You're a big dum-dum doodie head!"

"Oh, like I have to stick around and help you. Just let me finish the story."

"Fine, but if you're not careful, I might say something about not believing in faeries and then poof! No more Navi!" Link turned away and smoldered in silence.

Navi sighed as loudly as her tiny faery lungs would allow, which was quite a huff, actually, and decided to try something else. "Link, do you still have some of your Lon Lon milk left?

"Sure, why?"

"A little milk before bed always helps me sleep."

Link rolled his eyes at her. "Um, I don't know if you realized, but I am a child of very limited funds. And since you don't give me an allowance," Link paused to glare, "I have to pick up every dinky green rupee that pops out of these *whack, hack, chop* skeletons! I don't have much left over for milk. Is there some ocarina song you haven't taught me that generates milk? Huh? Is there?"

"Well, actually...," Navi began.

"Besides, I don't wanna go to sleep yet. I wanna hear the rest of the story. Just skip to the end!"

"Umm..."Navi stared blankly ahead. "I... haven't gotten that far yet but here goes: As in all faery tales just like this, the dashing young hero saves the princess, she thanks him, and that's all that ever happens between them."

"Good ending! As long as that dwarf-guy got booted out, that is. I never liked those mushy endings anyway." Link settled down into a relatively soft patch of dirt.

Navi perched on his head and glowed softly. "I'm glad you liked my story."

"Wait a sec, I just liked the ending. Only a gumdrop... ummm, goof like you would tell such a dumb story. But you make me feel smart so I like you a lot, Navi. Now, sing me a song as I drink my Lon Lon milk."

Navi's miniscule jaw dropped wide open. "But you just said..."

Link gave her a look and fingered his slingshot.

"Riiiight... A song. Zelda's Lullaby?"

Link shook his head. "Silly, that's for Zelda. I want Link's Lullaby!"

"But there isn't one!" Navi informed him.

"What, so some weakling princess girl who's always getting kidnapped by giant dwarves is important enough for a lullaby, but the brave boy who always saves her doesn't have any song of his own, much less a lullaby? It's not fair!" With that realization of one of life's more dreadful facts, the exhausted young hero burst into tears.

Navi decided to take action and she began to sing a limerick lullaby.

Link was settling down and beginning to drift off by the end of the anything-but-soothing limerick, when a guy in a blue and red spandex suit jumped out of the sky. Link shrieked in horror and Navi darted under his hat. "Who a-are y-y-you?" Link stammered.

"I am called Spiderman and let me tell you, punk, I'm starting to resent this all-out slaughter of semi-innocent spiders. What did they ever do to you except take some of the red out of those little hearts floating above your head? Gosh, here I am trying to defend the world from cruelty and injustice, and here you are, a 'good guy' popping every spider you see with your slingshot! What. I oughta... hurt you, you little, uh..."

"Little snot-nosed, dum-dum doodie head?" Link ventured meekly.

"Sure, that works. Look, because I'm a good guy, I can't hurt another good guy unless one of us gets brainwashed or something, so promise me you won't kill any more spiders, okay?"

"But I have to!"

"Why?" Spiderman scratched his head and accidentally squirted out some webbing.

"Well, because I can't get big bomb bags or bigger rupee wallets if I don't. Do you know how much I need those kinda of things?"

"At least promise me you'll apologize before you kill them..."

"But what difference will that make?"

"Just humor me, kid. It's been a long day and my webbing's given out on me twice on top of everything else."

Link nodded in understanding. "Gee, and I just had to dodge boulders, avoid giant hopping bugs, bash a constant supply of zombie skeletons, put up with dense town people, AND put up with my annoying faery!"

"Hey!" Navi shouted from underneath Link's hat.

"Ignore her. I always do. Anyway, thanks for scaring the heebie-jeebies out of me Spidey. I guess I'll see ya later!"

"I can't escape that idiotic nickname. Well, see you later, spider-killer. Go to sleep and leave the faery alone." With that, Spiderman crawled up the cliff wall that bordered the edge of Hyrule and Link never saw him again.

"Wow, I guess I don't need bedtime stories after all, Navi. I have enough adventures as it is. I'm going to sleep now," Link said as he smashed one last skeleton.

"What?! Then why the heck did you put me through the torture of telling you a story and make me sing you a lullaby and..."

"Shut up, Navi. You really get on my nerves sometimes."

Navi tried to protest but as always, she was rudely stuffed into Link's hat and the night became mercifully silent.