(REUTER)- Sean B. Pasternak, Humber College’s very own ’Borderline Journalist’, got a haircut about a week back.
All right, I hear you. Perhaps this isn’t the type of thing you’d see cross the news wires everyday, butÏit still comes as big, astounding, CNN-type news to me.
You see, to know me is to know my swarms of large, curly hair that flow (or flowed, rather) from the top of my head in an afro-like formation to the bottom of my shoulder blades. I no longer carry that characteristic atop my head.
As of about a week back (as the press release at the starting of this column would indicate), my long, disgusting locks were chopped off to pave the way for a professional, more businesslike hairdo.
What’s my reaction to this change? Why, after over 5 years of wearing hippie-style hair, did I go for such achange? Oh, wait, I think something’s coming over the news wires again. It goes something like this:
(UPI) -Sean B. Pasternak, student at Humber College and former mop-top, was coerced by some of his friends into getting his hair cut.
What you just read is pretty much the truth. After one friend implied that my former hairstyle closely resembled that of boxing promoter Don King, others friends began to follow, suggesting that a new hairstyle could lead to a job, power, women and certain wealth.
Before I could say ’Bad hair day’, an appointment was made for me with a hairstylist who came ’highly recommended’ from a friend. The next question I asked these friends was "What kind of hairstyle should I get if indeed I intend to go through with this?".
These evil, conniving, so-called friends of mine told me that depended on the ’shape’ of my face. Up until that point, I had never even considered that faces are available in different shapes. The only people whose faces are shaped oddly, I figured, are those of ficticous characters.
Think about it: the only person you’ve ever seen with a round face is comic strip character Charlie Brown, and he’s been pretty much bald since birth. The only person with a triangular face is Sesame Street’s Bert, and I’m pretty damn sure spiked hair is out these days
Upon careful consideration, I determined that my face is almost the exact shape of a P.E.I. potato.
(CP) Sean B. Pasternak, student at Humber College and documented schizophrenic, remembered his fear of barbers at the exact moment the length of his hear was chopped off.
That’s true as well. Just as the hairstylist was sharpening her blades and preparing to make the incision into my 14" hair, I flashed back to one of the first times I got my hair cut. The barber,(some sweaty old-timer who was probably too busy watching Sanford & Son on TV to pay attention) started nicking my ear until it was eventually severed from my head. It took 103 stitches to put it back in place. Except for the ear-falling-off part, that story’s completely true. To this day, that nasty barbershop incident has given me reason to avoid haircuts at all costs. Thus, I kept it at the length it was and thus, it made me look like a common vagrant.
(AP) - Sean B. Pasternak, current Humber College pain-in-the-butt and skinhead, was told by a hairstylist that the ends of hair had died and apparently gone to hell.
It brings me great torment to announce that, yes, the ends of my hair were pronouced dead on arrival. Mr. Pasternak’s hair ends were born in the late ’80s and are survived by his newer, lighter hair.
I was told by the hairstylist that because my curls had grown to unmanageable lengths, the ends were beyond repair. That was the exact moment I realized that this haircut was for the better. Although I requested a cremation for my dead hair ends, I left the hairstylist with a better apprecation for my haircut, my personal appearance, and for pizza (I had pizza later that night).
Who says that a haircut has to be a near-traumatic experience? Oh, it looks like one other press release is coming off the wire:
(REUTER) - Sean B. Pasternak, Borderline Journalist and pizza lover, went out last week and bought a wig.
