Recently, I heard that film maker George Lucas has made plans to ressurect the Star Wars series with 3 new installments being filmed by 1997. This news pleases me to no end, but raises quite a few questions.
You see, the original Star Wars trilogy has always held a place in my heart as some of my favourite movies. I loved the special effects and all of the creatures that came out of it. My problem, though, is that Star Wars was created in a time where technology was much more primitive. Would a new slew of Star Wars films fall slave to modernization?
Just for fun, I decided to modernize the last of the Star Wars films, Return Of The Jedi, and see if would pass the test of time. If you’re not that familiar with the film, I suggest you go to the video store and rent it (Come on, it probably only costs 99 cents!). Feel free to take notes as I compare their version and my 1995 version.
For beginners, Luke Skywalker and company travel to Jabba the Hutt’s palace to rescue their friend Han Solo. Unknowingly, they insult the mammoth Jabba by calling him fat. "I’m lethargically challenged!" Jabba shouts ever so politically correct-like.
Next, Princess Leia (after all of her problems with Prince Charles) frees Han Solo from the carbonite poisoning.
"I’m blind," Han says, squinting at the light."Do you know what this means? I can get a handicapped bumper sticker for the Millenium Falcon now." Han then asks about the whereabouts of his co-pilot Chewbacca.
"Oh, he’s on strike," Leia says. "Been locked out by the Wookies’ Players Association".
"What about C-3P0 and R2-D2?," Han wonders.
After explaining that they had been turned into laptop computers with CD-ROM drives, Leia and Luke manage to rescue Han from the palace. Luke is then beckoned by the voice of his mentor Obi-Wan Kenobi. Han suggests that he see a psychiatrist about all the voices he’s been hearing.
Just then, Luke’s pager goes off, reminding him that he just missed an 8 A.M. appointment with Darth Vader.
"I’m off to see Vader," Luke says. "Call me on my cellphone if you need me,"
Once they reach the forest moon of Endor, Han and Leia befriend those cute, furry Ewoks. This relationship soon goes awry, though, after the Rebels battle the stormtroopers and are charged with destroying Endor’s rainforests.
Meanwhile, Lando Calarissian and his Rebel forces in space are having their problems battling the Death Star. It seems that many of the X-Wing Fighters are getting trapped by Darth Vader’s photo radar.
Finally, the big battle on the Death Star is set to take place between father Darth Vader and son Luke Skywalker. As in the original film, Vader encourages his son to join the dark side. Luke insists that he can’t.
"Why not?," Vader asks. "They’re having a show on Donahue next week about Jedi Knights and their children."
"It’s not that, father" Luke assures him."Some things that you did to me in the last movie...er, I mean, last time we met, they changed my outlook on life."
"So you have decided to fight me," Vader laughs.
Yes and no. Luke explains that because there’s not enough money in the Jedi business, he has taken his bar exam to become an interplanetary lawyer.
"The last time we fought, you sliced off my hand with your lightsaber," Luke says. "That’s negligence in the workplace if I ever saw it!"
"No! It’s not true!" Vader bellows.
"You also revealed that you’re my father, and Leia’s as well," Luke continues, despite the protests. "Where the hell are mom’s child support payments?"
"I’m launching a class action lawsuit against you and the Emperor. The next time we meet, it will be in front of a jury of your peers. It’ll make O.J.’s trial look like a bail hearing."
"Noooooo!" Vader says as he crumples to the ground.
"Good luck, father. May the courts be with you."
