Have you listened to THE FAN 1430 lately? What about TSN? If you’re anything like me (well, first of all, seek psychiactric help immediately!), chances are you probably haven’t tuned in for your usual sports fix lately. Maybe it’s just me, but the sudden omission of little things like baseball and hockey (and possibly ever basketball now) seem to leave these all-sport networks, well, flat.
Give them credit for trying, though. I mean, CFL football is a novel little concept. They cut out the excitement and pass the savings onto you. And whose blood doesn’t start to rush at the mere suggestion of darts, curling, and the World Championships of Snooker?
I, for one, have grown tired of going day to day waiting for the latest labour dispute to be settled. The atheletes and owners are nothing but a bunch of crybabies. I’ve given up and have decided to actively follow the one sport that doesn’t mess with all this garbage: professional wrestling.
Stop laughing! I mean it! You’d never see Hulkster or Macho Man go on strike! And where else can you see ’sport’ and entertainment combined into one package? Sure, it’s as fake as Bob Rae’s sincerity, but imagine how much more exciting it would be if all sports were like wrestling?
For beginners, we all know that all sports have good guys (Joe Carter, Wayne Gretzky) and bad guys (Bob Probert, Charles Barkley). Why not exploit it?
Couldn’t you just see Albert Belle smashing a catcher over the head with his corked bat? How about a football coach distracting the referee so his men could acquire a very personal foul? what about interviews? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve changed the channel during the white-bread responses of a Paul Molitor. "I think we have a really good club this year......". Bo-ring!
If the atheletes gave an interview a la the WWF, you could bet that fans would be on the edge of their seats when they heard "Whatcha gonna do - when Andre Agassi runs wild over youuuuuuu!" prior to a tennis game. The violence level in sports would skyrocket if they decided to copy the metality of the ’squared circle’. Don King would be positively drooling if he could figure out a way to promote Australian rules tag team boxing. How about if hockey goons Tie Domi and Louie DeBrusk opted not to brawl on the ice, but instead took their battle to the confines of a 15-foot steel cage!
Of course, if all sports took after pro wrestling, the illegalities would start to follow. Golfers would constantly be disqualified for hair-pulling. One could only imagine Joe Bowen uttering a comment like this on THE FAN:
"Well, it looks like the Maple Leafs are about to defeat the Whalers and....wait! What’s this? The Detroit Red Wings have stormed the ice! They’re looking to settle a score from last week! They’ve sneak-attacked the Leafs! Where is the referee in all this...wait...IT’S ALL OVER!"
"It’s only against the rules if you get caught, Bowen!" guest commentator Jesse ’The Body’ Ventura would likely comment.
Okay, perhaps a pearl-harbour attack from a rival team is a little farfetched, but sports would be much more entertaining to watch.
Most importantly, there would be no strikes. No lockouts. No labour disputes.
After all, someone from the players association could always bodyslam the commissioner if negotiations weren’t going well.
