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TOUR JOURNAL by Beethoven 
It all began with a kidnapping of an innocent
young man...24 wild women were ready to go, to cross
the sea in a fearful epic journey which would take
them to the far off land known as Ireland. All given
codenames to hide their true identities, they took
notes from Austin Powers for the takeover of Dublin
city. They soon discovered ,however, that fun was not
to be permitted by their coachman-with-attitude,
but it did not stop them.
Some members of these thirsty travellers were a little distorted in their logic and were given a bright yellow inflatable baby-chair to wear on their heads as a symbol of their stupidity, the first being E.T. who lost her wallet.
She was later asked for a report on the world news and sought the information in her pick'n'mix bag whilst the daily rag was in her other hand !? The very wise Daniel-Son was also spotted walking into a lamp-post whilst staring at men, and an impatient Evil Kenevil was also heard to remark 'Do we get a boarding pass or what?' as she stared at it in her hand.
Finding sanctuary once on board the great ship was
not hard as there was constructed there a familiar
establishment - a pub. There they made acquaintances
with a Barbarian tribe that had to be dealt with for
thieving later on. To raise spirits, both dead and wet,
they began singing loudly. A live band began to play
their chirpy tunes and Crystal Carrington gave a great
performance jiving. Widespread panic suddenly occurred
when it was realised that the kidnappee - Terry Waite 2 -
had been missing for some time, he was soon found
however in his usual spot - with his arm round some
fine filly. Then a Barbarian walked past The Sculptress
with his meat and two veg hanging out of his trousers
and she informed everyone that she couldn't 'handle
bollocks'. To be sure! Captain Birdseye (who wasn't
sailing the ship) had an 'explosive' interaction with
a Barbarian too! When the O.A.P misplaced her coat it was
cleverly concluded that no, it's not really going to be
in the fridge now is it?!
The weary travellers found themselves some squeaky
beds for the night in Abraham House in the city centre.
As they were energetic still they discovered the
Allsport's Bar where drink and food was plentiful -
if they'd previously robbed their local bank! The
drinking efforts of Crystal were regarded enviously
here as she completed her first mission of ingesting
5 traditional Irish beveridges; Guinness, Caffreys,
Murphys, Kilkenny and Jameson's Whisky.
That night
Daniel-Son found a crusty green deposit on her bunk-bed
and Terry Waite 2 admitted his childhood fear for the
Gremlins, but I can assure you they wouldn't touch
him if they ever smelt his feet. Meanwhile Sprout & Co.
had the delights of listening to their neighbours
have a soap-style squabble with sex for dessert.
The following morning was a sunny but chilly one
but the travellers were once again ready for the battle
of the oval ball. Their challengers ,Old Belvedere,
were tipped to kick some bishop's arses but could not
force more than one un-converted try over Staffordshire's
mighty team. (Well done Babs for M.O.M).
A great atmosphere led to even greater socialising during an
important rugby day, with both England and Ireland
winning (sorry Trish/Babs/Ang!). Later at Eddie
Rocket's Cafe, Evil Kenevil revealed that she was pissed
and not afraid to admit it and that she had her eye on
me - her good eye that is!
For once, Terry Waite 2 was
turned down when he made advances towards the waitress.
This was not for long though, as Hagar found
his Helga (an O.B. player) in Kiely's Pub. Now here
begins a tale more complicated than the theory of
relativity...amongst the copious amounts of drinking
and singing, there was another activity frequently
exhibited - snogging !
Waiting for taxis later, Ben (Nevis) wondered why all the taxis were lined up and no-one was getting in them, but these weren't taxis, it was a car yard! Terry and Claire Raynor did a runner from paying their taxi, whilst Bratwurst was confused by the electric windows and whether she had moved them with her elbow or whether the driver had.
Once back to the hotel, Vaseline did a daring feat that even crazy inflatable-wearing people would not do; she jumped a 10ft gap between one top bunk to another! Not at all drunk, Twiggy said "What's my name?" just to be sure. Another innocent traveller who was declined a room in the hotel was informed by Screech that if they could not find a stable then there was a suitable bus station just down the road. Claire Raynor was horrified to discover that someone had infested her bed with mutated-crushed-up-gingernut-biscuits.
The following day consisted of an amazing hunt
for the lost treasures of Dublin. The right combination
of materials beginning with G,U,I,N,N,E,S,S would mean
a prize for that group. People returned with balloon
umbrellas, nuuuuuts, serviettes, and other useless
items, but it didn't matter as it was Guinness Tour
time! Dublin had never seen so many 'cockroaches'
before now.
Mad Dog
and Vaseline discussed the effects of
Guinness on their excretement which was nicely summed
up by Beethoven who said to Evil Kenevil - 'Look at
them two talking shite!'.
Next the beer-filled travellers set forth upon
Dublin Castle for a tour of ghostly fun, in the dark!
Amidst all the screaming they absorbed some culture and
architecture - honestly - and Guvnor (Stoneypockets)
got to be an actress too. To calm their shredded nerves
they went to a little tavern for more spirits, or beer
rather. More hearty singing went down, but 'Wild Rover'
scared off one of the ghosts!
Later at the burger bar Twiggy inquired if Sprout had ordered her food just yet, as she replied no, she helpfully informed her that she might like to...?! Back at Abraham House some people played Twister, some cheated a lot and some were too drunk to play it! Beethoven and Twiggy offered hoovering room service to Sprout's room but they declined, so they got a blasting with the fire extinguisher.
The last day was begun on a poor note with the coachman forgetting the ferry tickets, he was instantly given the yellow inflatable hat of course, but the ferry was delayed anyway. Finally boarded, the weary travellers ate breakfast while the sea got a bit rough on their delicate stomachs. But it was all entertaining as Terry gave great impressions of a 'Taff Orgasm', and Evil Kenevil wondered where England was considering we were docking soon - but she was looking out of the back window!
Back to The Terrace in Stoke and the end of this tale draws
near...certificates of great tour achievements were
given out, drinking was highly excessive and even
Champagne was necked. Then the drunken travellers kicked some
disco ass up at Valentino's, feeling brilliant even
though they could hardly stand...
These fun-loving ladies,
All dressed in green,
With their shamrocks and spirits
Could not go unseen,
But as for the tour
Like the flute in my hand,
There's no place as magic
As my Ireland.
