You might be a hockey addict if...
Your biscuit pan make biscuits in dimensions of 3" by 1".
You play a game with one of the biscuits.
You deck the guy who says "Check, Please".
You think your city's "red light district" is the section around the opposing team goal.
You own a Zamboni.
You register your Zamboni.
You wash and wax your Zamboni regularly.
You keep your Zamboni in the garage while your main car stays in the driveway.
You use your Zamboni to resurface the street after it ices over.
Your biggest goal in life is to "drive the Zamboni".
Your calendar only runs from October to June.
You wonder how you will get through July, August, and September.
Your idea of serving breakfast is Giving each of your kids a fork and dropping an Eggo in the middle of the table.
You punish your kids with "minors," "majors," and "misconducts."
When you come to a traffic signal and the light turns green, you stop.
When you come to a traffic signal and the light turns red, you get really excited and start cheering.
You consider the Forum in Montreal a place of worship.
You keep a picture of the Stanley Cup in your wallet in front of the picture of your family.
Instead of duct tape, you use hockey tape to fix everything.
You know the difference between "The Garden," "The Gahden," and "The Gardens."
You call a trip to the Hockey Hall of Fame a "pilgrimage."
You think the Canadian National Anthem is the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada."
You send Gordie Howe a birthday card, yet you can't even remember your own family members' birthdays.
All your kids are either named Gordie, Bobby or Wayne.
You went to see "West Side Story" because you thought it was about a game between Winnipeg and San Jose.
You went into a bank because it advertised "Free Checking"....and walked out disappointed.
When someone refers to "The Classics," you think they're talking about the Original Six. (AMEN)
Your cure for everything is a couple extra-strength aspirin and a shot of novocain.
You can pronounce anything in French, yet you have no idea what it means.
Every time you hear a siren you wonder who scored.
You can say "Khabibulin," "Tkachuk," (BLESS YOU) "Jagr," "Leschyshyn" and "Tverdovsky" without getting tongue-tied.
Every time you see the name "Roy" you automatically pronounce it "Wah."
You're not allowed to play chess simply because the first time you played, you misunderstood the meaning of the word "Check."
You think the Four Food Groups are Nachos, Beer, Pretzels and Rubber.
Everything in your wardrobe is your team's colors.
You still remember which teams were in the Patrick, Smythe, Norris and Adams divisions and which divisions were in the Campbell and Prince of Wales conferences.
You know the difference between "The Edmonton Express" and "The Human Express."
You refer to your team's enforcers as "chippy players" and you refer to other teams' enforcers as "f---ing little pieces of monkey s---."
When you're at a game, you're not bothered when your kid says "F---!" but when he says "shutout" before the game is over, you threaten to wash his mouth out with soap.
You wonder what Miroslav Satan did to become the Prince of Darkness and Ruler of Hell.
You think the proper way to spell the plural of "leaf" is "leafs."
You can name all the Sutter brothers in order.
When you go to the arena for other events, the first thought out of your mind is "Where's the Zamboni, darn it!?!"

Late Show Top Ten Ways Rangers Spent their Summer Vacation

1. Doing Stanley Cup-sized Jello shots (Mark Messier)
2. Keeping my stick waxed, if you know what I mean (Brian Leetch)
3. Eating!
4. Playing golf with the Yankees (Adam Graves)
5. Trying to make time with Susan Powter (Jeff Beukeboom)
6. Watched tape of 1994 Stanley Cup Game 7 -- 300 times! (Eddie Olczyk)
7. You know that adorable skating bunny in the Ice Capades? That was me! (Nicky Kypreos)
8. Watching Oprah! (Joey Kocur)
9. Skeet shooting on the White House lawn (Mike Richter)
10. Joy riding on the Zamboni (Glenn Healy)

Late Show Top Nine Signs You'll Never Be a First Round Draft Pick

1. The Central Scouting Bureau has your "Mini-Me" ranked higher than you are.
2. You weren't allowed to watch the US Olympic Women's Team play because you have a restraining order on half the team.
3. You were once beaten like a rented mule... after trying to use Tae Bo in a fight.
4. Most players' idea of a dream powerplay unit: The '80s Oilers. Your idea of a dream powerplay unit: The Backstreet Boys.
5. You've been a two-dimensional player ever since that Zamboni incident.
6. You have Claude Lemieux's personality, Mario Lemieux's age, and Jocelyn Lemieux's talent.
7. To you, getting scratched on Saturday means you won't miss Felicity.
8. You could easily be spotted during the playoffs because of your Darth Maul makeup and double-sided hockey stick.
9. While some players cherish their collection of signed jerseys, you cherish your collection of rare Beanie Babies.

Top Five Signs You're Dating A Hockey Player

1. He refuses to valet park the Zamboni.
2. He talks funny and likes to beat up people, but he doesn't come from Alabama.
3. During arguments, he sends you to the penalty box for "two minutes for pissing me off."
4. After going out, he makes you line up and shake hands with all his ex-girlfriends
5. Eating the last fig Newton gets you bodychecked into the refrigerator.

License Plates and Tee Shirts

• Ice Hockey Players Can Walk On Water
• Hockey Referee: It's Nothing 'Til I Call It
• My Girlfriend Said That If I Go To One More Hockey Game, She'd Leave Me. I'm Sure Gonna Miss Her.
• Tossed And Turned All Night. Slept Through The Alarm. Was Late For School. Completely Spaced The Test. Broke Up With My Girlfriend. Played Hockey. Not A Bad Day.
• If God Made Anything Better Than Women And Hockey, He's Keeping It To Himself.
• Hockey Is Life.
• Life Is Simple: Eat, Sleep, Play Hockey.
• Life Is Hockey.
• Hockey USA: Hard. Fast. Always On The Edge.
• Hockey. The Game Makes Me.
• If You Don't Practice, You Don't Deserve The Dream.
• Will Play Hockey For Food.
• Hockey: If Only It Came In A Bottle.
• Give Blood. Play Hockey.
• Hockey Players Wear Numbers Because You Can't Always Identify The Bodies With Dental Records.
• Hockey. Kinda Like Figure Skating In A War Zone.
• Play Hockey.
• Don't Do The Crime If You Can't Do The Time.
• I'd Rather Play Hockey And Lose Than Figure Skate And Win A Gold Medal. Hockey.
• Coolest Game On Earth.
• Hockey Player.
• My Other Car Is A Zamboni.
• Have You Hugged Your Goalie Today?
• Football Players Have Cheerleaders, But Hockey Players Take Them Home.

1. "Um, that's not a body under the ice, is it? And didn't you say that one of your coaches was missing?"
2. A local film company used closeups of the ice surface for fake shots of the lunar landscape.
3. "Figure skating? Wow, is that like where you do math or something?"
4. You open the door to the dimly lit restroom, and are reminded of the line from that movie, "Indy, why does the floor move?"
5. When you call for information, the receptionist answers the phone with, "Please tell me you're not with the EPA."
6. The Zamboni is powered by a team of horses.
7. The Zamboni driver was arrested for drunk driving -while resurfacing the ice.
8. There are chalk outlines on the floor of the warming room.
9. They combined the dance sessions with the speedskating practice times and the freestyle sessions with hockey practice.
10. The sign over the snack bar is "Ptomaine Palace".

Late Show Top Ten Overheard at the Nancy Kerrigan/Tonya Harding Interview

1. Let's get ready to rumble.
2. Why don't you do a sit-spin on this?
3. Let's put this behind us and go beat the crap out of Oksana Baiul.
4. Next on Fox-World's Scariest Zamboni Chase.
5. On second thought, I should have used a crescent wrench.
6. Tonya, do you find your skating skills useful in your current career at Burger King?
7. You slept with the President? Me too?
8. Yeah, like Tara Lipinski never hit anyone with a metal pipe.
9. Please welcome tonight's moderator, Jerry Springer.
10. For old time's sake, how about I wack the other knee?

Late Show Top Ten Ways To Make Hockey More Exciting

1. One word: blindfolds.
2. Only guys named Stanley get to wear a cup.
3. Try hot griddle surface instead of ice.
4. New snack bar item: player's missing teeth dipped in fudge.
5. "Your New Jersey Devils starting goalie--Miss Katharine Hepburn."
6. If your Zamboni drops belows 50 m.p.h., it blows up.
7. Just barely visible under ice: frozen body of Walt Disney.
8. All penalty minutes must be served sitting next to that guy who played "Doc" on "The Love Boat."
9. Canadians must play in bare feet.
10. During playoffs, players dress up as their favorite Ice Capades character.

Late Show Top Ten Pickup Lines of a Hockey Player

1. I've got a curved stick." -Brett Hull, St. Louis Blues
2. In your case, NHL stands for Non-stop Happenin' Lady. -Billy Guerin, New Jersey Devils
3. Hey, you want to be my intern? -Jeremy Roenick, Phoenix Coyotes
4. My wife calls me Gordie Wowe! -Pat LaFontaine, New York Rangers
5. I said, 'Would you like a puck?' -John Vanbiesbrouck, Florida Panthers
6. Ever kiss a guy with no teeth? -Mike Modano, Dallas Stars
7. I'm Stanley. Would you like to see my cup? -Mike Richter, New York Rangers
8. You're my only chance to score more than Gretzky. -Chris Chelios, Chicago Blackhawks
9. Baby, I can make you do the wave -Tony Amonte, Chicago Blackhawks
10. My Zamboni or yours? -Keith Tkachuk, Phoenix Coyotes

Late Show Top Ten Signs The Figure Skating Judges are Not Going To Give You a Perfect 6.0

1. You put the "cow" in "salchow."
2. Every time you skate past the judges, you give them the finger.
3. You cut your routine short because you have to return your rental skates.
4. You perform your long program to the theme from "The Dukes of Hazzard."
5. Your costume looks an awful lot like your Denny's uniform.
6. During a spin, your skate flies off and embeds itself in the Russian judge's head.
7. You lutz yourself over the boards and into a hot dog vendor.
8. The only thing that's 0 is your blood alcohol level.
9. Your coach keeps screaming, "Let go of the railing!"
10. Judges can't tell the difference between you and the Zamboni.

Late Show Top Ten Rejected Olympic Events

1. Michelle Kwan Do
2. The 2-man Monica Lugeinsky
3. The rock salt driveway sprinkle
4. Run over a Spice Girl with a Zamboni
5. The 4-man freestyle whoopdedoo
6. Naked bobsled
7. Men's 5000-meter groin pull
8. Downhill butt-slide
9. Vanilla ice dancing
10. The intern slalom

Late Show Top Ten Rejected Olympic Sports

1. Freestyle Gillooly
2. Bobbitsledding
3. Bear-A-Slalom
4. Lead Pipe Free-For-All
5. Really Drunk Luge
6. Bobsled with Bob Barker, Bob Eubanks and Bob Hope
7. Racketeering
8. Four-Man Zamboni
9. Synchronized Hockey
10. Pantless Ski Jump

Peanuts

• The early appearances
• "Best game we ever had."
• How do they get the Zamboni up there?
• The last Peanuts/Zamboni comic ever!

TOP TEN COOL USES FOR THE ZAMBONI

1. CAN YOU SAY "ZAMBONI GIRL"?!!!!!! :-)
2. Provides a moving target for slap-shot practice.
3. "I just need it to smooth off my lake at home!"...
4. Scaring the heck out of ice-level broadcasters and analysts!
5. "Aw Coach, I was just doing my Jeff Gordon impression!'.
6. "Just wait until the next time Coach makes me mad!"...
7. Doin' donuts at the face-off circles...
8. Get a couple of them and DRAG!...
9. Chasing squirrels around the arena parking lot after practice!
10. Tie rookies up and drag them around the rink.

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Peanuts property of Charles Schulz and United Features Syndicate, Inc.