Matty's Stupid Stories
PAINT FIGHT
I’m talking to a kid who worships Santan, wants to grow up to be a killer, etc., etc. The regular strange semi-friend. When Mistajen comes up behind me, stamps my back with paint (it’s art class). Then the worshipper of Santan, who I shall call Joe (that’s his reall name too), took my big paintbrush. I took it back from the sink, and when I returned to my table Mistajen and Jamie were fighting, so I painted Jamie’s arm. By this point, I made my shirt look better by painting “Sugar Ray” on the front where Joe had attemoted to right Santan or whatever. Furthermore, Jamie painted my arm, where I also wrote Sugar Ray as well. At this point our art teacher declared that the paint was not washable, and I screamed. I was doomed. Also at this point, There was paint everywhere in our corner of the art room, particularly me. And to top it all off, my very nice shirt say Sugar Ray on it forever, but it looks like it was painted there with blood.
THE JEANS AND THE MATH TEACHER
Our math teacher is wearing these jeans. The jeans suck in my opinion, cos they weren’t baggy, and that’s the only good kinda pants. So anywho, he’s wearing semi-tight pants. Our computer teacher somes in the room and Compliments the math teacher on his jeans, “how nice they are.” This is when Tim comments quietly “and tight”.
At the end of the teacher conversation, our math teacher goes “what did you say?” Tim refused to tell. “He said they’re really too tight!” Herb (Spike) declared. “These are not tight at all,” our teacher said, but he mustn’t have realized how baggy the rest of the world’s pants are. “What exactly are you looking at?” “He’s looking at your—never mind,” Spike cut himself off, we knew he was thinking somethin nasty. “You better never mind,” our math teacher said with a smile, knowing Herb was talking about his—you know. A couple minutes later, our teacher goes, “You know Tim, I’m a married man.” We all burst out laughing at this point.
THE PANTSING INCIDENT
It is very common for me to go to school in my boxers and a PJ shirt. I don’t care about what I look like to my “peers”, because if they’re my friends they don’t care, and if they’re not then they’re assholes and I don’t care. Anywho, as I’ve mentioned many times before, I’m extremely immature, I can’t control myself, I’m sick and twisted, and I don’t ever act my age. I’m 14 just for the records, and you’d never guess. I climb in car windows and I’ve done some pretty moronic things.
Back to the story. I like to pants people. If you’ve never pantsed people, you don’t know the feeling. It’s cool, cos as long as the person is wearing something else over their ass besides pants, it’s hilarious.
Well one day, I did something really stupid. FUNNY, but stupid. I pantsed Devon. My little brother. In front of everyone at my baby sitters (this was quite a few years back), and I didn’t realize when I did his undies came down too, and his butt was swiped clean naked. And we all laughed, but I got in tons of trouble, for over exsposing my 6-year old brother. But it was funny. Childish, but as long as it was funny, who cares?
TEAM PANTSING
This is funny. This was in front of a whole audience of raving lunatics (not really). About 15 people. My friend David and I hung Devon upside down and pantsed him and Dave held him high…there was a lot of interesting comments…poor little boy. That’s the one that I was thinking. But I have a cold heart for obnoxious spoiled brats.
GYMANSTICS ON THE ROOF
It was a typical day. Travie and I were on the roof of her house, looking out at the clouds, realizing how incredibly idiotic it was to be on top of a roof that is about 150 feet about the ground. Not that I’ve never jumped out of a window, but the window was 5 feet from the ground. Still yet, we were daring. Let me rephrase that: Travie was daring. I was stupid.
I stood next to the window. I ran (mind you this all happened on a small ridge on the roof). I did a nice cartwheel across the ridge of her roof. I landed smooth, but nearly toppled down the angle. She screamed, I think (I was kinda in never never land, surprised at my insanity and immaturity—what’d I tell you?). Once I was able to grasp reality (actually, it was just the roof, I’ll never be able to grasp reality), I climbed back in the window into her brother’s room.
DANGLING FROM A SILL
This is short but true. I’m looking out Travie’s wondow…when she yells “I GOT IT!” or something to that. Now, I WAS just sitting on the windown sill. But her voice made me jump. And after banging my head on the window, I lost my grip and started to fall, but she helped me back in her room. Though I nearly killed myself sitting in that window, yet I persist.
LOCKED IN TRAV’S ROOM
This is how it goes. Trav’s door to her room is messed up. There is no door knob, so when you lock yourself inside, you have to use this one door knob on the inside to get out. The only thing is, when we went in, we left the doorknob on the other side. And it would be just like her brother to refuse to help us. So we tried all sorts of weird objects trying to unlock it. But we got nothing. We called her brother from her phone to the downstairs, but her brother refused to look for the doorknob. So then I knew that if I climbed out the window I could jump on the roof and go in the bathroom window, find the doorknob and unlock trav’s door. So I hung out the window (again), but I couldn’t reach the window. A fter nearly falling out, I came back in. Finally her brother decided to let us out. The same thing happened where we got locked OUT of her room, where I climbed in the bathroom window onto the room, trying to kick her bedroom window in. Again after falling, I gave up. I can’t even remember how we figured that one out.
CLUMZY
I’m very clumsy. Of all the stupid things I’ve ever done, running into poles and doors is the dumbest. I don’t think there’s a pole or door I’ve never hit. I’ve banged into everything. I get pushed into poles, or I just don’t see them until it’s too late. Or never do see them, even after I hit them, but just the same, I hit them all. Even looking for them doesn’t help. SO there was this one time, I’m walking in the corridor with Mistajen in school. She yappin’, I’m “listening”, when I whack into a doorway and fall. You thought it’s just a cartoon thing? You haven’t met me. Jen all the sudden noticed she lost me. Well, there’s onle less pole I’ll have to worry about. Sort of.
BEHOLD THE POWER OF CHEESE
When I was really little, there was this one thing I did that was incredibly stupid. I wrote on the microwave with mozzerella cheese. Don’t ask me what possessed me to do it, I don’t know. Did I run out of crayons (I still would have been in trouble if I use crayons)? I always liked to eat my crayons (and lipstick, and chapstick). I may never know. I was trying to expose my innerself?
BUBBLE MOUTH
You saw it comin’. I cursed and got my mouth washed out with soap. WRONG! I’ve never been caught swearing (don’t plan to either), so that’s not it. But I have done some pretty dumb-ass things.
So Stevie and I are playin’ truth or dare. Not the diry version, the “Let’s see who’s a bigger idiot” version. He dared me to eat a spoonful of ground coffee. No prob. Pepper? No problem. Cool aid? No problema`. Soap? Uhh…
I reached over the sink. Sure I could give up, let my brother that is three years older than myself win, but I had my pride, and a reputation of craziness and daring to keep. So I mixed some soap ion water. And swallowed it. I tried not to taste it. But I could feel it scorch my mouth and throat. And Steve laughed. Hysterically. But it wasn’t funny. Well it was, but not at the time. Not for me.
It took several days to clear that taste away. A long several days. It was disgusting, don’t ever try it at home. IT IS PURE IDIOCY.
STUCK IN A BOOKBAG
Okay, so I have a bookbag that rolls on wheels. Everyone picks on me, who the hell cares? The point being, You pull up the bar so you can roll it. It’s a long handle, but it’s made of two bars.
The bus was late, I was freezing, and probably going mad from the cold. I pulled up my bookbag handle up and stuck my head through. My head went through with not a problem. But when I heard the bus come, I strugged to release my head, but I was very stuck (Matty: they just don’t make bookbags big enough anymore—Travie: They just don’t make heads small enough anymore—Matty: HEY!). It was apparently one of those things where you can get in but you can’t get out. So I pulled. And I pulled. I thought for sure my ears would break off.
The bus go closer and I knew everyone could see me with my head stuck in my bokbag. Finally I yanked really hard, n time to get on the bus with pain shocking through my ears. One thing’s for sure—I might do that again!
