The Wild, Wild West
Pouncival sat alone and dreamt.
Jellylorum told him that sometimes dreams really do come true. He wanted a sexy wife, a perfect life, with mating and spice. In the west, he remember the second Asparagus saying, where he used to live when he was young, always had gunman heroes.
And they always got the girls. They all had famous titles, and were heroes in every town. Everyone loved them.
I wonder what it’s like to be a superhero, Poucival thought. Or, I wonder what it's like to be a head honcho. I tell people what to do and they follow my orders. What ridiculous ideas. Him - a head honcho or superhero. Ridiculous. Absolutely risiculous. A hero. A ridiculous idea.
A ridiculous... hmm.
A western hero. A Guy can dream, right? He thought. "Mice?" he called. They ran out with Matty and Trav tagging along. "I got a story for you."
"Does it have sexy women in it?" Jason asked.
"You betcha. Listen to this very old western story... "
In the old Western days,, up in the desert of Texas, I was the fastest guncat in the west. I could flick a gun trigger faster than anyone. Me and my partners, the outcasts, Matropolis and Travisina, two females in which I found as good law partners, were out making trouble in the west. They called me Outlaw. Pouncival the Outlaw. Pouncival the Outlaw, fastest Guncat in the west.
The women fell all over me. They thought it was sexy for me to quick with a gun.
When one day, my powers were stretched.
"What'll be today, Pounce?" the cute barmaid asked.
"What do you think, sweetheart?" I asked. "Piano'er? Play something loud!"
"But sir, I don't..." he began. I snapped the trigger. The gray tabby fell to the floor. I smiled and put away my gun. A sweet lady in a long red dress sat next to me.
"Hey baby, you free tonight?" I asked. She just giggled. I turned to the barmaid. "Find something that goes good with her looks," I said, pointing to the lady. Just then, my partners walked in.
"Outta the way, buster," Travie said, barging through. "I'll have my friend here bop ya one in the nose."
"No ma'ams. You're not dressed properly," the man, being the owner of the bar, Master Skimbleshanks said, referring to the fact my accomplices were dressed in pants instead of a dress.
"Let us in, Skimb. We're here for Pouncival," Travie replied.
"No ma'am."
"NOW!" Matty said, pointing her gun at his nose.
"HA HA!" he laughed.
BANG! He fell to the floor. As my partners walked over to me, I put away my gun.
"There's a man outside for ya...says you_re not the fastest guncat in the west anymore," Travie reported.
"Really?" I said, sipping the beer and tickling the cute barmaid. “Hold on. Sweetheart? Remember I love you baby. And until you get you get spayed, I always will." She giggled as I frenched her. "You french like a real girl. Name?"
"Frenchie," she giggled.
"Bye-a Frenchie." I walked out of the bar. "Now, where's this maroon who's lost his mind? I got two babes in there waitin' for me, so this better be important."
"Uh, no you don't," Travie said, pointing to Frenchie, who was hugging the Rum Tum Tugger, and the queen in red, hugging Captain Alonzo of the Devious Desperados.
"Damn it, I told you I should have been a desperado. Oh well, too late now. Where is he?"
"Look up," Matty said.
I looked up to see a tall, muscular, black cat staring back. "You?" I nearly laughed.
"Yeah," he reached for his gun, but I was quicker. I pointed it to him. He put his gun away.
"Name?" I asked, putting mine away slowly.
"Boxer."
"So you think you're a faster guncat than me?" I asked.
"I know I am."
"Prove it." I whipped out my gun right before he reached for his and shot his foot. "Case closed."
One of his girls that were on his horse ran over to help him. "Hey sweety, what's you're name?"
"Mistress Electra. You shot him."
"He tried me."
Electra dragged Boxer back on his horse and they rode off. "Women. Don't ever become one," I said to Matty and Travie. I walked to the bar as they looked at each other, shrugging.
They followed. "Frenchie, I thought we was together?"
"Oh, we are!" she said, ignoring Rum Tum Tugger. She held me tight and licked me all over my neck. She started kissing me, frenching me in that beautiful way.
"Hey babe, whatabout me?" Tugger asked.
"What about you?" I snickered.
"That's my girl you're holdin'!"
"Apparently not." He reached out to grab my neck but I pulled my gun out quicker.
BANG! He fell to the floor. Just then, the swinging doors flew open. Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer walked in. They were called the Desperado Duo. They were robbers. Good friends of mine.
"I'll have Whiskety and she'll have a Double," Mungo said to the barmaid. She nodded and went to the back. "How ya'll been dooblin'?"
"Dooblin'?" his sister looked at his sideways.
"Dooblin'. So?"
"Fine, I guess," Travie shrugged.
"Pouncival shot his hundreth cat today," Matty noted lamely.
"And almost made out with the barmaid,” I noted. He nodded. Mungo wasn't in to that stuff (but I have a sly suspicion he was drunk one day and made out with Victoria - Mistress Tantomile was pissed). Rumpelteazer rolled her eyes. I was sure she made out with someone before. She tricked them into giving her their good Woolworth Pearls.
Back to the point, they were a slick, smart partnership. Rumpelteazer reached for what was called a "Double-house". The double house had two different flavors in it. Everyone knew Teazer liked Strawberry and Kiwi flavors in her Double-house. We thought.
"Pffff!" she spit out her drink. "This isn't kiwi and strawberry! Clifford!" Clifford, a little brown dog, nice dude, does a lot of betting though (good at it too), came over to Teazer.
"It's definetly Blueberry and…Brussel sprouts!" Clifford proclaimed. The whole lodge gasped. I looked to Frenchie.
"Give 'er a new one."
"No can do," Frenchie said. "She didn't specify what flavors."
"Then give 'er money back."
"Nope. I can't do that."
"You're my babe, so I'm giving you a chance." I didn't give any sign of using my gun.
"I can't do it, dear. It's against the rules. You understand, don't you?"
"I understand you're a back-stabber. I'd kill you 'cept - aw, what the hell?" I flicked out my gun and shot her down. "Lilly Larose?" I called. She bustled up front.
"Alright. Ya'll know me, and I'll bust ya in if there's any trouble, so watch it. What do you want?"
I turned to her. "Your body," I said walking closer to her. "You remind me of a perfect peach - sweet and tender." She giggled. "Rest your feet girl. You can stop runnin' through my mind now." I kissed her paw. My friends rolled their eyes. "You're beatin' my heart like a drum."
"You're sweet," Lilly said.
"Now if you would, this lady would..."
"I ain't no lady!" Teazer objected.
"What is ya? A man?" the lady in the red dress cracked.
"Hey!" I turned around.
BANG! She fell to the floor like the others.
“That’s hundred-two,” Matty noted.
"Teazer would like a new Strawberry and Kiwi Double House."
"Yeah, I know. Who doesn't know Teaze likes Strawberry and Kiwi Double-Houses?" she said. She walked back in the kitchen.
"What do ya think of that end?" I asked Mungojerrie.
"Pippy."
"What d'ya mean 'pippy'?"
"I like Ms. Victoria's. And Tantomile is fine," Mungo added. I rolled my eyes.
"Is she all you ever think about?"
He nodded.
"Pouncival!"
BANG!
"Whoops. Sorry Tumblebrutus." I had jumped at his voice and shot him. "Oh well."
"Poor Tumble."
"POUNCIVAL!"
BANG! Matty and Travie jumped the bullet.
"There's a guy outside about a gunfight?" Travie asked.
"Huh? I'll be right there. See y'all later!" They all waved good-bye. I walked out with my partners. There in front of me was a tall and skinny female cat. She was dressed in a long pink dressed and looked 30 years older than me.
"It's not for young boys like you to be like this," she said. "And you shouldn't shoot girls."
"Lemme at 'er!" Matty howled.
"Name?" I asked.
"Madam Jellylorum."
"Yeah?"
Just then, she whipped out a hose and sprayed be down. "I'M WEEEEEEEETTTT!" I shreiked. Matty and Travie were in hysterics. "You jerk!"
BANG! Jellylorum fell down.
"Good-night." I smiled and walked off with my buddies.
"Poucival!" someone whispered.
BANG! Whoever it was ducked. I turned around.
"James? Jesse James? James-Buz-James?"
"Yeah. I need help."
"I've known that," Matty mumbled to Travie. I heard and ignored.
"James! I'll always be free to help a friend!"
"I guess that leaves James out," Matty whispered to Travie again.
"Someone wants to kill me!"
"I am not surprised," Matty said. That was enough.
"MATROPOLIS!"
"Sorry."
"Now."
"You see, this man challenged me to a gunfight, and I'm not really a good guncat..."
"I see. You're more of a looker."
"No, he's more of a hooker," Matty grumbled. Travie giggled. I tried to ignore them.
"Could you teach me to use a gun?"
"Well I'm kinda busy... maybe Mat and Trav can help."
"No, I need thee fastest guncat in the west's help."
"No, he just needs help," Matty cracked.
"Alright. Come in to my office." I led him into the bar. "Now watch closely." But before James could look at me, I whipped out my gun and shot Carbucketty, who had been making out. "I hate it when people do that in public," I said. "Okay. I learned this from a friend. Gunman's William Tell. Travie?" Travie put a shot glass on three cat's heads: Plato, a very intelligent man, Admetus, mayor of the town, and Demeter, sobbing because I shot her husband (the piano player). "Watch." It was silent. Suddnely, I licked out my gun and shot the three cats and caught the glasses. "See? I didn't break a single glass." After working for hours, we went outside. His rival was Boxer, returning on a account of revenge.
But Boxer was still quicker than James. He pulled out his gun. I couldn't let him shoot James, so I shot my gun. However, I was behind James, misaimed and shot him. "Oops. Sorry."
"You ruined my fight!" Boxer shouted.
BANG!
He fell down. I grabbed his gun. I got his girls. I got...
"Pouncival!" Matty shouted. He snapped out of his dream.
"Great story, eh?" the mice cheered.
"You know you'd never do that!" Travie said.
"I can dream can't I?" Just then, Tumblebrutus ran down to them.
"Boxer isn't moving!"
"AAAAAAHHHHHH!" Pouncival screamed.
Tumble pulled out a gun. He shot it. Pouncival got wet.
THE END
