Going through the motions, pretending I'm alive;
Going through the motions, pretending I'm controlled.
Going through the motions, pretending I don't need.
Going through the motions, pretending I believe.
Going through the motions, pretending I can see,
Going through the motions, pretending I can cope.
Going through the motions, pretending I can feel.
Going through the motions, pretending I can quit,
Going through the motions -- no, this time I'll be real. Diana Glen, (1997) ©
Laughing and performing, lonely in a crowd.
I'm frozen deep within me, heart encased in stone.
Voices scream inside me, unclear but very loud.
Words are very garbled, unclear of what they say.
I'm not connected with me; none of this is real.
Dancing on the knife's edge, sensing the abyss --
Hanging on in desperation -- don't know how to feel.
Always knowing how to act, but never how to be.
Defiant in my isolation, but weak within my need.
The chameleon in any place -- the best actor me.
Depended only on logic -- a sane and ordered life.
Built nonpermeable walls, feet firmly on the ground.
Words hid the real person; control the mask I wore.
Kept the pain outside, or was it the other way around?
Lost deep inside myself, but humour wins applause,
So unshed tears dry within me -- a scampering clown am I.
Pain and sorrow lay buried -- acceptance is the cause.
Distance rules my universe -- dissociation the only game.
Isolation my constant companion -- deadness consumes the day.
Paralysed with fear and loneliness -- safety's what I seek.
Grasping at illusions as my emotions ebb away.
Seeing through their false smiles; noting the games they play.
Always trying to make you different; wanting you to change.
Never accepting who you are or meaning what they say.
Needing to believe their assurances -- hoping this time they're true,
But it's all to familiar -- vultures with wicked grins.
I don't make their rules, but I can beat them at their games --
I've had a lot of practice, but no one ever wins.
But parts of the past flash to me, in splintered, fractured bits
Like pieces of fragmented glass, distorted and unclear.
Nothing is as it was remembered; nothing really fits.
Blinding pushing forwards -- they think I know my way;
Following the dance steps, but slightly out of sync.
Feet and heart are dragging; the terrain is now surreal.
I can't find my direction -- don't know what to think.
Nerves stretched beyond endurance -- feeling bowed and bent.
Still standing tall and lonely, but slipping slowly to my knees.
Body clenched and throbbing -- I'm bone tired and spent.
Now my discarded illusions lay around my feet.
Reality crashing down on me -- too painful to bear.
Blackness all around me; I can't see the light.
I can't find my way out and am too weary to care.
Bereft of hope and happiness -- apathy shrouds my soul,
Yet twisting and turning, trying to avoid the pain.
Desperately seeking comfort -- attempting to make me whole.
I don't know how to help myself -- don't know where to look.
Need to find a way to save me, but don't know what to do.
Frightened of the alternative -- a sweet and permanent sleep.
Got to find a solution before my life is through.
But tortured by glimpses of wondrous things I've seen.
Starved and hungry for missed opportunities and a need to experience life.
Desperately yearning to be the person I know I could have been.
Now everything is changing -- is perception often skewed?
Poeple seem less important -- is the one that's changing me?
Maybe now my eyes are opening and the truth is there to view,
That I'm not really the alien -- I just don't like what I see!
I'm not usually the quitter and I refuse to be one now.
I'll find my inner courage, to do what's right for me;
I'll find the strength to reach out and embrace life somehow.
Step by tiny determined step, I'll shed my negative energy
And strive to become the real me -- not just the one I seem.
And if I fail or falter, I'll find a way to still go on;
And if I'm really brave, I might even dare to dream.
