"So, WhiteRaven, you've chosen to continue and eliminate your past
existence on earth?" The Raven asked me.
"I'm having second thoughts now." I said uncertainly.
"Well, it's a lot that I don't understand. I mean, the entire aspect of
me being here and everything that's happened to me. Where's the
fairness? The justice? I'm here, dead to the world and Antonio's still
alive. What did I do to deserve this?!" I said, thinking as I talked
trying to make sense to myself of what I wanted to say.
"It is fair. You killed Antonio's brother." Raven reasoned.
"Yeah, out of self-defense."
"Was it out of self-defense? You said it yourself, the first shot was
the one that disabled him. That was defending yourself, the second shot
was the one that ended his physical life. That was out of your pure
anger. Karma works in many ways. Not only in Wicca, but in life."
"Proved me wrong. Ok. But now, if I go and erase everyone's memory of
me, how would that serve justice? Antonio would have no reason to be
kept in custody, what would be the cause of Jason's death, everything
that happened as a result of me, what would the world make of that now?"
I asked.
"The Higher Forces works in many mysterious ways, but it always comes
out on the brighter side. It will find a way. You must learn to accept
and trust the fact that yes it will work out. Any more questions?" Raven
asked. I pondered for a while.
"Yeah. The fact that I'm going to go around erasing people's memory. I
never considered that being the right thing to do. I mean, has anyone
else ever gone around erasing their existence? I understand it's a major
sacrifice and there's a reason but am I the only one that has this
option?" I asked.
"Some have been given this choice, but only a chosen few. You are one of
them. Given the circumstances and your particular future, it is the
right thing to do." Answered the Raven.
"You keep saying that I have this magnificent future and everything. Why
don't you just tell me what it is?" I asked eagerly.
"In time, Child. You are not prepared if I told you now." Said Raven.
"How would you know?"
"I know. Anything else?"
"No." I answered.
"Good. Now, what is your decision, or do you want more time?" It asked
patiently.
"No, I'm ready. I'll do it." I replied.
"Great."
"What time is it now for mortals?" I asked.
"Night. Everyone's asleep. The perfect time for you to do what you have
decided to do."
"Ok, so how am I supposed to do this?" I asked uncertainly looking at my
transparent hands.
"You'll figure it out when you get there." It answered and started to
fly around me in big arches.
"Then let's talk about it."
I continued to do what was right. The Raven implanted within my mind, the knowledge of knowing exactly what to do. I would place my hands above the person's forehead while they slept. The forehead was where the front of the brain was, the part that held memory. As I held my hands at their forehead, a white glow would emit from my palms, radiating in the space between my hands and their head. That glow was altering that part of their mind, erasing what they remembered of me. Every time I did this, I left with the unsinkable feeling of isolation, loneliness and regret. But, I knew that was the part of the sacrifice I had made and I would learn to accept this. I continued this with everyone I knew. My parents, my friends, relatives, acquaintances, enemies, everyone that would know me. With their belongings that had anything to do with me, pictures, cards, letters, e-mails, presents, clothing, et cetera. I erased the part that had to do with me. Letters and cards sent from me disappeared, pictures of me grew empty, e-mails signed by me were mysteriously erased, presents were given the sense of a different origin. Someone else had sent them, not me. This task was a long and extremely exhausting one. I felt like it would take hours to accomplish and eventually it would be dawn and I hadn't finished yet. That concept worried me, yet every time I looked to a clock, it would have only been seconds since I had finished with the last person.
I finally made my way to AJ's bedroom. Instead of doing what I had to do and leave, I took my time here. I sat at the foot of his bed watching him sleep. He was restless, tossing and turning. I closed my eyes and let my mind meld with his to see what he was dreaming. What I saw disturbed me. He still had the intentions of killing himself to be with me and that sense made my immortal heart seem to be crushed. I shuddered at the images flowing through his mind. Nothing but hate and anger. He wanted to seek revenge, kill Antonio then kill himself. He saw me, my smile. Then he saw me lying in his arms that fatal night, limp and lifeless. I knew that I had to do this now before it was too late. But, I couldn't help but want to talk with him one last time. Something told me I needed this, he needed me to.
"You can talk to him." A voice came from behind me. I turned around and saw the Raven flying close to my head. It had been reading my thoughts all along.
"How?" I asked.
"Close your eyes and I'll show you the way....."
"Ok, where the hell am I?" He asked out loud. "Hello? Can anybody hear me? Where am I?" He called out. I believed now it was time to reveal myself.
"Hello, Alex." I said soothingly.
"Who said that, where are you?" He replied, startled. He searched around trying to find me. I let myself appear in the distance behind him.
"I'm right here." He turned around and saw me. To him, I wore the same white dress that I had wore the entire time. My long hair flowed and blew around my head from an invisible wind. All around me, I was glowing.
"Samantha?" He gasped out.
"That's right, Alex. It's me." I said with a serene smile. He made a run for me and tried to hug me but ended falling through and hitting the ground. He stood up startled. He turned to me again.
"I thought you were dead."
"I am."
"Are you......an angel?" He asked.
"If you would consider it that, yes. I've come back to talk to you." I said, he started to cry lightly.
"I can't believe that you're gone! It's not fair." He mumbled.
"Life was never fair. But it happens. To be born is to risk dying. And we've all taken that risk. The turning point for all of us comes differently. At different times with different causes. Either way, it will always meant to be. It's up to everyone to accept. I have accepted this. It's your turn. I was there at my funeral. I saw, and heard everyone. I heard your thoughts. I was with you, trying to talk sense into you. But I was never able to get through. Maybe now." I said, looking deep into his eyes.
"You heard everything. You know what I was thinking. I want to be with you. I won't take no for an answer. Tell me how I can cross over to your side." He demanded.
"You will have to take no. I'm not going to give you the freedom of ending your life. It's not going to happen for you. Not at the moment, not for a very long time. The Three Fates decided to cut the woven thread of my life at that moment before. But yours still has a lot of time to be spun. I know this."
"But I WANT to be with you."
"I never left you! Just because I'm gone physically, doesn't mean I'm gone mentally or spiritually. I'll always be there to look after you. No matter what. I've taken my choice. Alex, I'm your Guardian Angel." I said. Whoops. Was I supposed to say that?
"My Guardian Angel?"
"Yes. And I will be watching you always." I better not have to kick myself later for saying all this.
"You're just saying that."
"Hey. I would never lie to you like this. Trust me." I said, meeting his eyes head on.
"Fine. But I'll always remember you. Everything. That's a promise. Every time I hear the song I'm Your Angel, I'll think of you. It's our song and will always be."
"That song, will have as much meaning to you as any other song. You will not remember me, at all."
"You can't be serious!"
"When you wake up, you will have no memories of me whatsoever. We never met, I was never here. After I finish talking to you here. I will erase your memory of me. This is the way it has to be. You're the last person I'm visiting tonight. There's no point in arguing with me. You can't change it." I said, nodding certainly.
"But, why?"
"When I was at my own funeral. I saw the pain that was in there. It was thick, suffocating. I knew it was too much for everyone to handle. I saw my dad and my mom in the same room for the first time in ten years then. I witnessed everything that went through your mind and I can't continue to hold this burden. This is the way it was meant to be and it will happen. You can't stop me. But let me tell you now. Your subconscious will always remember. I'll talk to you the way I'm talking to you now. In your dreams. Although, the memories of these dreams will never surface to your conscious mind. Once you wake up, you won't remember. When it is your time to join me, you will remember me then, and only then. And you will know that I'll be right here waiting. Wherever you are, whatever you do. I'll be right here waiting for you."
"You sure about that?"
"I give you my solemn promise. As your Guardian Angel, I'll be watching everything you do. I'll make sure you choose the right choices but I won't interfere. Angels never interfere, they guide."
"You're watching everything?"
"Everything."
"Fine, ok." He said nodding. "Just make sure you don't start peaking in at me in the shower. Not that I'd mind." He said with a wink. It was then that I realized with happy relief that he would accept this and wouldn't mind at all.
"Right, and risk loosing my halo? I don't think so." I said with a laugh, then added slyly "Not that I'd mind."
"You're a bad little angel, aren't you?" He said laughing.
"Yeah, I guess I'm gonna have to pay for that little slip. Oh well. So, you're really ok with this whole concept? You really don't mind?" I asked, wanting to make sure.
"I'm fine. Trust me. Just as long as I know you're doing what you feel best. I'll be fine. I'm just happy that I know you're not completely lost." He said beaming.
"I'm a trooper! A survivor, ok, maybe not. But, hey, you know I'm strong. Or I try to be. Death won't even keep me down. I just need to make sure you're ok."
"Yes, I'm positive that I'm ok with this. Normally, I'd say I'd take time to adjust but that's not what you're going to give me, are you?"
"Nope. Sorry. It'd be out of place if you wake up and start asking about me to the Boys and they look at you weird because they won't recognize the name. This is the way it has to be. It's Destiny and Destiny shall take it's toll." I said. My mind did a quick backtrack and I realized where that phrase had come from. The Ouija board message. The little things were starting to fall into place. Alex and I starred at each other for a moment, not knowing what else to say. He then tried to take my hand but his hand passed through vapor.
"Damn. You know, what I really want most now is one more chance. I just want to be able to hold you, one last time." He said, his eyes starting to glaze over.
"You don't think I want that? I've been wanting that ever since I took my last breath. One more chance with everything. It's the down part of dying. But hey, there are ups and downs to everything." I said, growing teary eyed myself. That's right, an angel could cry. I then heard a voice inside my head.
*Ask him to try again*
"Alex, take my hand again." I said, holding out my palm.
"Why? You know it won't work."
"Just please, try again." He reached for my hand. As his fingers lightly touched mine, a new sensation of rebirth came over me. The sensation swept all the way through me, starting with the tiny place where his flesh met mine.
I became whole again. I had my body back, a newer one. The feeling was wonderful but I almost fell over. I was getting too used to not having matter as a part of me, not having weight and now I had it all back. Alex caught me. He seemed to be forever catching me when I collapsed.
"Sam! You're alive again!" He exclaimed.
"No, I'm not. I'm still dead. This is just a grant. A reward because you deserve this much. It's only for a short moment in time. I don't want to waste it." I explained.
"Just when I thought I had you back again for good, you're again restricted and blocked off. Am I not just one of the luck--"
"Shhh." I cut him off by placing a finger to his lips. I looked at him, he looked at me and we kissed, for one last time in his dream. It was a great one. Long and lingering, one for me to remember and for him to keep within his subconscious forever. We kissed until alex could not feel me with him anymore. A minute or so later, I was air, once again.
"It was great while it lasted." He said smiling.
"It definitely was. I should go now. It's close to dawn." I said.
"You'll be back, right? In my dream. Tomorrow night. Promise?"
"Be expecting me." I said as my image flashed and disappeared.
Everything in this room had been as I last left it. When the first news of my untimely death came about to my mom, she had left the room the way it was. Never touched it since. And now, if she woke up and saw that the room had actually been lived in. She'd panic. The posters, CDs, stereo, bookshelf, desk, bed, accessories, dresser, stuffed animals, altar and the such that made my room uniquely mine were all still there. I got to work.
I mumbled a faint good-bye to everything in my room as I swept my arm over them, making them vanish. Minutes later, the room was empty of everything. There wasn't even any marks on the carpet from the weight of the furniture. The posters left no marks on the wall. There never had been any posters there now. I looked around at my accomplishment. The feeling returned. The nagging feeling of isolation and loneliness that clung to my immortal heart.
Somehow, I would have to learn to get used to this. My new life, my new decisions.
My new beginning.
