Enlightenment 99 - Aug/Sept 2000

Conspiracy Theory - Aaron Prokop

     Recently I have noticed a change in the style and content of
Enlightenment.  This, I was informed, is attributable to a change in the
editorship.  This news left me reeling in horror (or just reeling).
Where were Ed Charpentier and Colleen Hillerup, who ran things for the
past 36 years?  I decided to launch an investigation the minute I was
sober.  As I studied the events leading to his alteration, I discovered
the emergence of a sinister pattern, laced with question marks.
     It all started with what at the time seemed like a third-rate
burglary at DWIN headquarters, when several intruders were caught in the
middle of the night raiding the place.  I should know as I was one of
them.  Sure, it seemed insignificant enough, and it still does.
However, many unanswered questions are springing up lately that too many
people are happy to sweep under the rug.
     Why have Mr. Charpentier and Ms. Hillerup not been seen since the
day they "stepped down?"  What was on the unexplained 18-minute gap on
the lates Audio Adventure?  Who have the order to `86' all records
pertaining to the secret accounts in Switzerland?  Why is the DWIN main
office swarming with guys wearing dark suits, ray-bans and ear pieces?
Who is Graeme Burk and why is he using my name? (Hey! I won than name
fair and square in a ... chess match - eponymous Editor)  Why did Dean
Shewring up and leave for Los Angeles with no warning?  What where the
strange glowing discs reported to be sailing over his house the same
night?  Why, when he just as suddenly reappeared, he was now a seven-
foot, blonde-haired Swedish muscleman, and why does he respond to "Hi
Dean" with a stern, "Who is this Dean Shewring?"
     Why were so many documents found shredded during the FBI sting?  Is
it really likely they were all articles I had submitted, as we are
supposed to believe?  What about ex-Enlightenment cartoonist Cat
Sullivan's mysterious death in a plane crash last year?  Is there
something to the unsettling rumours it was a hit ordered by Prince
Phillip?  Was this a suicide, or was it...murder?  How could John
Nathan-Turner's brain have simply "disappeared" from the National
Archives?  What did Ray Currie mean when he told the sub-committee there
was a cancer growing on the executive?
     Clearly an investigation is called for.  I suddenly remembered the
other day the two years I spent at police college and decided it was
logical to put my powers as a junior G-Man to good use.  I was greatly
encouraged by the cryptic advice being offered by that mysterious guy in
the raincoat who hides in the shadows of the parking lot.  I feel
indestructible following my survival of the anonymous tampering with the
brakes of my car.  I no longer fear those helicopters loaded with hit
men sent out by Hal Holbrook to scour the desert for me.
     This is well and good, you may say, but when will I begin my
investigation?  Soon, I assure you.  Look for the finished results in my
upcoming best-seller, All The Doctor's Men, coming to the bargain bin at
a Wendell Holmes near you.  After this mess has been sorter out, I'm
going after Bigfoot.
     Anyway, as I was saying, the other day I got The Crusade/Space
Museum at Sears and watched it/them.  I was pretty dismayed by The
Crusade.  Horror of horrors, the flipping thing's incomplete?  Part of
the middle is missing and there's no ending.  Also, it's in black and
white.  Is this the ultimate rip-off or what?  As for The Space
Museum...actually I haven't watched that one yet, but I probably will.
If I remember, I'll say something about it next time.
     Finally, I would like to close by offering some commentary on the
breaking news that Bonnie Langford is pregnant.
     Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuugggghhhhh!!!!

If you were to meet Aaron Prokop you would probably find him to be one
of those people you're sure you'll one day comment "He seemed so quiet.
Who knew he would do that in a crowded bus shelter...?"