Uriel is young, perhaps too young to be reading his own lists. His writing shows promise. His stories are always very sensitive, with people so in love that they break down in tears from it. Rejection, insecurity, need. When you consider these elements in his stories and also the fact that he's young, it's very interesting. If he keeps working at what he's doing, perhaps one day he'll be writing some of the sharpest angst fic out there.
This, however, does not hit the mark yet. There's nothing wrong with that, mind you. In all of his stories there are gaps where more detail is needed, more indepth emotion, more showing instead of telling. But nothing but experience can cure that. I am not going to sit here and slam a young writer for not being perfect, especially since I am older and far from perfect. Uriel needs a mentor, perhaps. He needs someone to correspond with who had mastered all the elements he needs to improve who will point out to him where he needs to flesh out the story. Because right now, the whole thing needs to be fleshed out.
I have a critique of an old Uriel story on my hard drive that I never mailed or posted. I left the majority of the header off it and couldn't find the author's e-mail address. I went looking for it and landed on his homepage, where I did not find the aforementioned fic. But the more I read his writing, the more I'm certain it was him who wrote the story I have here. I surmise that he read it again, realized he didn't like it and took it down. That's a complete and total assumption, but if it's true, it shows that he's working away at it.
This story is about Graham and Forrest, who seem to be Uriel's two favorite Buffy characters and, indeed, are the most buff and ignored people on the show. (Well, Forrest is a zombie now, but pre-zombie he was pretty slashable.) There is not a lot here, plot wise. It's a short fic, but even in his other fics, nothing really happens. He needs to find a really good plot on which to hinge a story. (And don't go looking for plot bunny suggestions, sweetheart. Most of them suck.) He needs to look at the fiction of a more experienced (and also male, actually) Buffy writer, Matthew Haldeman-Time. In Matthew's stories, something is always happening, and the stories have a clear beginning, middle and end, both in action and in exposition. He has a point to make, he finds a good plot to act as a vehicle to make it and he goes for it, unflinching. I've discovered that it takes a long time, in writing fiction, to discover that even in the shortest story, things need a clear conflict and resolution. While it might be argued that this story has a conflict and resolution - Forrest calls out Riley's name, Graham ponders leaving and then doesn't - it's not enough of a conflict and resolution to really make the story interesting.
Uriel takes a stab at being profound. The story is first person. The sentences are short and crisp. I suspect it's intended to be a bare essentials story, a snapshot of the character's lives and not an epic of any kind. But with all of the really anxious and profound fic out there competing for attention, it just doesn't float yet. Also, despite lines like "I started to cry," he seems to be playing it very safe, as if he's afraid to hit any nerves, either his own or anyone else's. I would love to see a story where he goes all the way into the mood, digging deep into his own psyche, not being afraid of sounding stupid or overwrought. This writing stuff is supposed to be an emotional outlet. Unfortunately, he doesn't hit on very many of them. But like I said, I think this is an experience thing.
An excerpt:
"Graham, baby," he muttered blearily, barely coherent, "where'd you go?"
"Nowhere," I replied softly. "I didn't go anywhere. I'm not going anywhere."
Those are the last lines. You can tell he's got a point to make, and where he's trying to go with it. But instead of using some good, concrete detail to show how Graham is connected to Forrest, or having Graham fully examine the sleeping body and perhaps Forrest's possessions around him, he relies on "I'm not going anywhere," saying it not one, not two, but three times in the same line. He knows what he wants to do. He just lacks the tools to properly do it yet.
My advice to Uriel goes something like this:
First of all, do not be afraid of sounding stupid. When you're afraid of sounding stupid, writing is no fun. Try writing a story where you go overboard with the emotion and detail. Try writing a story where Graham looks at Forrest and uses enough similes and metaphors to be a Harlequin novel. Trust your instincts.
Try using emotions from your own life, where you recall a time when you felt a certain way, and using the memories to describe the feeling and mood. You need to know everything about the room they're in - the color of the curtains, the feeling of the carpet on bare feet, everything. Don't be afraid to get in the zone where the phone could ring and it wouldn't even occur to you to answer it because you're so into writing your story. Turn off ICQ. Close your Internet browser. Everything else can fuck off because you're writing, by God, and it's important.
I guess I'm getting into this because a story like "Promises" is a story that could easily get glossed over on the slash lists in favor of stories from people using so many schmoopy tactics that they get all the attention. But when I read "Promises," for whatever reason, I saw some real untapped potential there. I saw an author who I want to kick ass some day.
CABS grade: C