Born into violence and turmoil, I struggled to survive my childhood years. Regular beatings, emotional silence, and verbal put downs seemed to be on the daily menu planner. At times living seemed unbearable, but survival was a must. I guess I should explain. My mother, being 17 and 1/2 and pregnant, was "forced, coersed, or convinced" to marry the father of her baby. An older man, who turned to alcohol and became an impossible and violent drunk, my father proved to be a life threatening agent. After two years of brutal beatings and two suicide attempts, my mother divorced him and took custody of me and my little brother. In a drunken rage, my father threatened to kill my mother and us (me and my brother) if he found us walking the streets of Detroit, Michigan. So, she "hid" us at her sisters house.... Later, being somehow unable to care for two small, demanding children, my mother was forced to let us go into foster care. There we stayed (in separate homes) for about a year. Eventually she was able to convince the court that she was able to take care of us and she got custody of us again. Sounds like that should be a happy ending, right? Not exactly... My mother, so young, so inexperienced, so hurt by life, was unable to cope with some of her own painful abuse experiences. Her hurt was very great and it manifested itself in unsuppressed anger which she let loose on us. You never knew what she was going to get angry about...one minute she'd be calm and the next minute she'd explode in a fit of rage..tearing and beating whoever happened to be in her pathway. My brother and I tended to stay away from home alot! The beatings were bad sometimes, but that didn't bother me so much..I got used to it and figured it was 'normal'. What hurt me or crushed my little childhood heart was the lack of attention. The seeming indifference...When I wasn't being hit...I was being ignored. I guess my mother had the idea that if she stepped back and withheld from me emotionally, then I would grow strong and independent. A five year old doesn't really understand concepts like that. All I knew is that for some reason mom didn't love me anymore...gee..I must be so bad...so terrible...so undeserving of love...what was wrong with me anyway?....why was I so worthless?..such a mistake?...These thoughts haunted me and I was tormented into believing that I really was worthless, unlovable, etc. (a belief system I carried with me for over half of my life)... Could things get worse?? Well....yeah..and they did.. My childhood is filled with many hurtful and painful memories...but none so difficult and horrifying as when I was raped by an older cousin. I was either 7 or 8 years old at the time....he violated me at least two more times before and after that. He even woke me up in the middle of the night (my brother and I were staying with his family because mother had gotten remarried and was on her honeymoon)..while staying at some other family's house and forced me to let the young boy of the house (about my age) to...do things to me...I was tired and angry and finally was able to get the naked boy off of me...What humiliation! I felt like I was nothing but trash..someone else's "property"..dehumanizing and degrading...It has taken me over 20 years to overcome the stigma of that pain and humiliation..which fed into my already feelings of worthlessness, and unlovableness...What a messed up childhood!! Not long afterwards, I found myself being uprooted and moving away from everything and everyone I ever knew. It was a hard transition. The school and new kids were unkind and relentless. No one liked me or wanted to be my friend. Instead I was teased, taunted, called names, etc. I really didn't think I was that different, but apparently I was. There was no way to really fit in. I just took it all in silence. Never spoke a word. Only came home and cryed myself to sleep every night. Tell my family?? Are you kidding? Mother was too preoccupied with her new life as 'wife'. Neither one seemed to have much time for me and my brother-except to dish out punishments for 'bad behavior or bad grades' So, I dealt with it alone as best as I could. Another experience that plummeted my self esteem to even lower depths of darkness. I grew up feeling useless, worthless, unlovable, etc for at least half of my life. It took me along time to work through all of these hurtful experiences and learn that what happened to me was not a reflection on who I was or what I was worth. After almost twenty years, I have finally learned to love and accept myself. I have learned to be proud of who I am, my own uniqueness, my own abilities. My capacity to love and be loved grows on as well. You may wonder at how I have managed or learned to turn my feelings and thoughts about myself around. Quite simply really. I stopped listening to everyone else and began to listen to the voice within. I stopped trying to search for answers or validation from outside..be it other people, or institutions such as religion. I began to realize that all my answers were within myself. I learned to trust and follow my heart. People can think and live and act in whatever manner they choose. I finally realized that same freedom is mine as well. I am free. I am beautiful. I am me.
