By A'Lehsen Paris
Summary: B'Elanna survived the Barge of the Dead....but what will it mean to her life, especially her relationship with Tom?
Disclaimers: Yes, Paramount owns the characters, the ship and all that. I'm just borrowing them. I'll put them back after I'm done, and they'll be a whole lot happier.
Rating: PG
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B'Elanna sat alone in her quarters, reviewing the events of, remarkably, the past few hours. It had all seemed so real; the Barge of the Dead, her mother. Had it only been a dream?
The only thing that B'Elanna was sure of was that she didn't know who she was anymore. She had despised the Klingon side of herself for so long.....but if it meant that her mother would get to Sto'vo'kor, then she would learn to live with being Klingon....maybe even start to enjoy it. After all, there were some good points to Klingon culture. She had just burried the good things underneath all of the bad so that her hatred would be able to burn inside uncontested.
Now, she needed to reevaluate her stand on that issue. She wasn't sure if her experiences on the Barge of the Dead had been real, but if they had been, then there were some things in her life that needed a closer look.
Her dislike of Klingon rituals, for instance. It had been remarkably easy to perform the ritual required to go back to the Barge of the Dead. It had even seemed natural to B'Elanna. That scared her a little. After all of her insistance about rejecting all things Klingon, could she have been denying a part of herself that would lend strength and stability?
It was a fact that, although Klingons were brutal at times, especially when their pride was an issue, they had less history of insanity than Humans or Vulcans....not to mention Cardassians. They were actually very controlled and cheerful when they let themselves relax.
Maybe that was her problem. She rarely let down her guard. If she relaxed, went with her emotions, then perhaps she'd learn to deal with things as they happened, instead of dwelling on her problems until she was ready to hit something--hard.
B'Elanna curled up under her favorite blanket and prepared for a long time of thinking about this. However, when she laid her head against the arm of the couch, her eyes drifted closed almost before she realized that sleep was overcoming her.
She was surrounded by a warm red glow, the scene before her hazy from the heat. It was as if the world had become swallowed by the sun, and all that was left was her. Even the air she breathed seemed heavy from the heat.
B'Elanna looked over her shoulder, aware that someone--or something--stood there, just behind her. A quick glance, and then another, to make sure her eyes weren't deceiving her.
They were not.
B'Elanna's mother, Marial, stood gazing at her daughter with a love B'Elanna didn't recognize. Could that really be her mother, eyes soft with emotion, mouth twitching at the corners from a repressed smile? No, certainly not.
"B'Elanna." Even the voice was her mother's. Why would she be here, wherever this was?
"I'm glad you came," Marial said. She held out a hand to her daughter.
B'Elanna took the hand naturally, as if there was not ten years of bitterness between them.
"Where are we, Mother?" she asked as they began to stroll to an unknown destiny.
Marial gazed into the distance. "We are in the land of dreams, daughter. It is a time when we may talk together freely," she replied.
"But, we did talk, earlier," B'Elanna said in confusion.
Marial nodded. "Yes, we did. However, we only talked of honor and dishonor. I wish to speak of you. How has your life been? What is it like to live in the Delta Quadrant?"
B'Elanna considered these questions for a few moments. "My life is good, Mother. I have a very challenging job--I'm Voyager's Chief Engineer. I'm--involved with someone right now.....someone I hope will be my true mate one day," she said softly.
"A human male?" Marial asked with a concerned frown.
"Yes, but one unlike any others. He is kind, and sweet, and yet he has this side to him that I would almost describe as Klingon."
Marial's frown left, to be replaced by a relieved smile. "I'm glad, 'Lanna. You deserve to know love, since I was never able to show you how I felt..." she trailed off. Her eyes moved restlessly over the austere space surrounding them.
B'Elanna gazed with no little surprise at her mother. What did she mean? Had her mother loved her after all?
After a few minutes of unbearable silence, B'Elanna finally asked, "What do you mean, Mother?"
Marial looked into her daughter's chocolate brown eyes. "B'Elanna, it has never been easy for me to express my emotions, but I will try to now, for you deserve to know how I feel for you," she began. Her hand tightened around B'Elanna's. "When your father left all those years ago, and you decided to abandon your Klingon heritage, I didn't know what to do. I tried to force you to acknowledge the side of yourself that came from me, in an attempt to win back the love I had lost when your father left. I realized as you got older that I was only pushing you away, but I just couldn't stop. I wanted you to respect the Klingon ways because they were so important to me. As you kept drawing further away from me emotionally, I suppose that I decided that the only way to armor myself against the hurt you caused me was to retaliate in kind. Finally, it was too late. You had left for Starfleet Academy, and then given up and run off to join the Maquis. The last I heard, you were among those listed as missing in the Badlands, and I believed I would never see you again, never be able to tell you that I love you," she finished quietly.
B'Elanna stared at the woman she had fought with for so long. Had they really been so alike after all, she wondered? She let her own hand return the strong grip. "Mother," she said. "I never really stopped loving you or wanting your approval. I just wanted to be me, not a Klingon, yet not Human either. I was trying to find out who I was, and your constant pushing at me to be Klingon didn't really help me. I just stopped wanting to be around you when all you could talk about was Klingon honor and glory," she admitted.
"I just wanted to give you things to be proud of about being Klingon, 'Lanna, and you are that, no matter how much you deny it," Marial explained.
B'Elanna was quiet for a few moments, thinking about all that her mother had revealed. Finally, she looked at Marial again and said, "Mother, I think I'm going to have to change my stand on that, too. After all I've been through, how can I deny what I am anymore?" Her eyes were full of confusion as she continued, "For years I've tried to keep away from anything that has to do with Klingons, but today I felt....powerful, and comfortable with the Klingon ways as I have never been before. Maybe I'm just growing up." She gave a small smile.
Marial nodded. "It's long past time, daughter.....and it is past time for us to say good-bye, as well," she added regretfully, looking at something in the distance which B'Elanna couldn't see.
"So soon?" B'Elanna asked, realizing that she really didn't want this wonderful time with her mother to end.
Marial smiled. "Yes, 'Lanna. But do not worry. We will see each other again."
As B'Elanna heard the echo of her mother's words to her on the Barge of the Dead, the "world" around her blurred and faded.....
As darkness surrounded her again, B'Elanna heard Marial whisper, "And tell him hello for me."
The first impression B'Elanna had as she woke up was that she was drowning. As her vision focused, she saw that Tom was kneeling beside her. His concerned blue eyes peered at her as he gently shook her awake.
"Are you okay, B'Elanna?" he asked, brushing her cheek with lightly with the tips of his fingers, as if he was afraid she would disappear if he touched her any more.
B'Elanna sat up, feeling a moment of disorientation as she adjusted to the low lighting in her quarters. "I'm fine, Tom," she said with a smile so that he wouldn't worry.
"You look pretty--agitated," Tom told her. He joined her on the couch, putting an arm around her shoulders. She snuggled against him, enjoying this moment of solitude.
"Thanks," was all B'Elanna said, in a tone of voice that left no doubts that she felt the comment hadn't been a compliment.
"No, really, B'Elanna. I--I was pretty worried about you," Tom confided, holding her more tightly.
B'Elanna sensed that he really needed to talk about this, so she asked, "When?"
"During the entire time: while you were in that coma, after you had woken up and seemed so determined to find out if your visions had been real, when you began to perform the Klingon ritual. I kept thinking, 'I can't lose her, not yet.' I think that it those were some of the few times I've ever prayed in my life, B'Elanna, but right then all I wanted was for you to be spared, so that I could hold you just like I am now, and tell you just once more how much I love you," Tom said, lifting her chin to give her an intense kiss that relayed to her more than his words had how much he didn't want her to be gone from his life. The words and kiss combined to make a warm glow in her heart.
After they surfaced for breath, B'Elanna took Tom's face in her hands and said earnestly, "I'll never leave you, Tom, not willingly. You're my life, and I'll be here for as long as possible. I didn't want to leave you any more than you wanted me to leave that second time, but I had to know, without a shadow of a doubt, that my mother wouldn't be forever dishonored because of me."
She looked away from those incredible blue eyes for a moment, trying to gather her scrambled thoughts enough to tell him about the self-revelations she had made. "I've discovered a part of me, Tom, that I have neglected for far too long. It was mostly my anger with my mother which made me despise the Klingon ways, but I know now that, whatever my reasons, it was the wrong thing for me to do. Klingons are no different than any other warrior society that Voyager and the Federation have encountered over the years. In fact, compared to the Kazon, they're positively civilized!" she said in an attempt to lighten the mood.
Tom smiled at her. "I'm glad, 'Lanna. And remember, I'm always here for you. You don't have to do anything alone unless you want to. I'll support you no matter what.....except another journey to the Barge of the Dead. I don't want you to make that risk again, B'Elanna," he said. B'Elanna decided to ignore that stern tone in favor of the love and apprehension in his eyes.
"Don't worry, Tom. I don't plan on doing that again any time soon," she reassured him. To silence him, she laid her head on his shoulder and sighed. "I don't know what I'd do without you, Tom. You have no idea how important you are to me, do you?" she asked, surprising herself as well as him with her candidness.
"Yes, B'Elanna, I do," Tom said quietly. "I feel the same way. You're just as important to me. I guess we're a pretty sorry case, aren't we? Neither of us could get along without the other!" he joke a little.
B'Elanna smiled. "Yeah," she said softly.
They sat like that for some time, basking in the glow of their love. It felt so good to be part of something as special as what they had together.
Finis!
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