Animal Jokes
How Do You Know If You Pass An Elephant?
You Can't Get The Toilet Seat Down.
"Wanna play horse?"
"Sure!"
"Okay, I'll be the front end, and you just sorta be yourself."
Two mice were sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub. The first mouse looks over to
his friend and, referring to the toilet, asks, "Wanna go for a swim?"
The second mouse quickly replies, "Oh, no! I'm never going in there again!"
"Well, why not?" inquires the first mouse.
"Well," reponds his friend, "I was in there about a week ago swimming around and minding
my own business and all of a sudden it got real dark, it started raining, it started thundering, and
if somebody hadn't thrown me a log, I would have drowned!"
Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet screams past them.
One eagle says to the other, "Wow, did you see how fast that thing was moving?"
The other replies, "Yeah. You'd move fast too if you had three assholes
and they were all on fire!"
This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What'll ya have?"
The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club."
There's two fish in a tank, one says to the other,
"Do you know how to drive this?"
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful
young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next term in her biology class."
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle?
A dead poodle with an 18 inch asshole.
What do elephants use for tampons?
Sheep.
What's the brown stuff between an elephants toes?
Slow natives
What has 4 legs and one arm?
A happy pit bull
How do you make a cat drink?
Put it in a blender and strain out the fur.
How heavy are 4 elephant testicles?
Very! It takes 2 elephants to carry them.
Did you hear Lassie had a son with a Rottweiler?
It rips off your arm, then runs for help.
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and
parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon
all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where
he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they
persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats
behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a
forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly
milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I didn't!"
Why is a sheep better than a woman?
A sheep doesn't care if you fuck her sister
The little bunny is sitting in the forest and typing the computer.
The fox walks by: "What are you doing little bunny?"
"I am working on my thesis."
"What is your thesis about?"
"It is about how the little animals in the forest can protect
themselves from the big predators of the forest."
"Come on, little bunny, you don't know anything about that"
"Come, on, I will show you."
So they go to the back of the bush, the fox flies out, dead.
The next day the little bunny is again sitting in the forest, typing at
the computer and the wolf walks by.
"What are you doing little bunny?"
"I am working on my thesis."
"What is your thesis about?"
"It is about how the little animals in the forest can protect
themselves from the big predators of the forest."
"Come on, little bunny, you don't know anything about that"
"Come, on, I will show you."
So they go to the back of the bush, the wolf flies out, dead.
The next day the little bunny is again sitting in the forest, typing at
the computer and the bear walks by.
"What are you doing little bunny?"
"I am working on my thesis."
"What is your thesis about?"
"It is about how the little animals in the forest can protect
themselves from the big animals of the forest."
"Come on, little bunny, you don't know anything about that"
"Come, on, I will show you."
So they go to the back of the bush, the bear flies out, dead.
Then the lion comes out of the back of the bush:
"See, little bunny, I told you that it is not important what your thesis
is about, the important thing is who your promoter is!
Why do Scottish shepherds were kilts?
Sheep can hear a zipper
A man boards a plane and is surprised to find himself seated next to a parrot. After take-off he
asks the stewardess for a coffee and the parrot squawks, "Get me a whiskey, you cow!"
The stewardess glares at the parrot, leaves, and comes back with the whiskey but forgets
the coffee. As he reminds the stewardess about the coffee, the parrot drains his
glass and yells, " And get me another whiskey, bitch!"
Quite upset by now the stewardess goes for the whiskey but again forgets the coffee.
The man gets tired of waiting and decides to try the parrots approach, so he says,
"I've asked you twice now for coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your ass."
The next moment both he and the parrot are yanked from their seats and tossed out the
emergency exit. Plunging downward the parrot looks at the man and says,
"For someone who can't fly you sure are mouthy."
One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to
discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. fascinated by what he
saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then
took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by
raping a German Shepherd. The man, very excited by this, was dying to
show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but
before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her
head with the blanket.
"Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this."
"Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"
What do you do with a dog with no legs?
Take it for a drag.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left it.
Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"
"They're mating, Lucy" he replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" Lucy asked.
"Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs."
Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?"
Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat.
"Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!"
An ant and an elephant got married, despite the best advice of their friends.
During their first intercourse the elephant suffered a heart attack and died.
"Crap," said the ant, "five minutes of passion, and now the rest of my life digging a grave."
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