For my birthday this year my wife purchased a week of personal training sessions for me at
the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess
team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and
made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics
instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how
enthusiastic I was to get started. They suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my
progress.
Day 1: Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the
health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond
hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after
five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I
think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed
watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though
my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her.
This is going to be GREAT.
Day 2: Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on
my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for
heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile.
Her smile made it all worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.
Day 3: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and
moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia
in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a
Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was
bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster.
Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete
by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me
live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.
Day 4: Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I
was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift
dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I
hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me
try the rowing machine. It sank.
Day 5: I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in
the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would
hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have
news for you Tanya - I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor
don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU
went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science
teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music
teacher, or social studies?
Day 6: Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the
strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.
Day 7: Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give
me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.
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